All right, let's move on now to less serious news.
-The Supreme Court. -(laughter)
Last night America was finally introduced
to Donald Trump's pick for the highest court in the land,
and he comes from the highest state in the land.
NEWSMAN:
conservative Neil Gorsuch, a federal appeals court judge
from Denver, who he praised for having a brilliant mind
and tremendous discipline.
He is the man of our country,
and a man who our country really needs and needs badly.
(laughter)
I-Is Trump introducing a judge
or reading Supreme Court erotic fiction?
(laughter)
(like Trump): America needed Judge Gorsuch badly.
(laughter)
It reached its trembling hand under Justice Gorsuch's robe
to feel his supple yet tender thigh.
(laughter)
Here's how you know we're living in Trump's America now.
This appointment is for the top court in the land,
that rules over an entire branch of government.
It's a lifetime appointment that could shape American society
for the next 40 years.
And you can tell that Trump understood
the gravity of the situation, because he treated it
like an episode of a reality show.
NEWSWOMAN:
resembling an
NEWSMAN:
both of whom have reportedly come to Washington tonight,
almost like some kind of reality TV show.
...Judge Neil Gorsuch.
(applause)
So, was that a surprise? Was it?
(laughter)
Who cares if it's a surprise?
The point of picking a Supreme Court justice isn't "gotcha!"
It's a judge, not a jack-in-the-box.
What are you doing?
I mean, who announces a Supreme Court nominee like this?
Trump even teased his selection on Twitter.
This is what he tweeted.
He said, "I have made my decision on who I will nominate
"for the United States Supreme Court.
"It will be announced live on Tuesday at 8:00 p.m.
Parentheses, White House.”
I love how, I love how he puts White House after 8:00 p.m.,
as if we don't know where to find him.
-That's where he... -(laughter)
He treats it like a TV show.
"Tune in Tuesday, 8:00 p.m.
Only on White House."
-Only on White House. -(cheering and applause)
Who is this man?
Like, I wouldn't be shocked if in a few years
you're gonna be watching TV and Trump's gonna pop up
at the bottom of the screen with, like, you know,
"My new law, coming up."
It's gonna be one of those things.
Just like him walking out,
just like, ah, what the hell?
It's happening for real?
(cheering and applause)
Get out of here, man!
Get out of my show!
Get-get out of my show!
The man is so obsessed with entertainment,
he even included an extra judge.
He included an extra judge just to build suspense,
which turned CNN into TMZ.
TV REPORTER:
big prime-time announcement,
CNN caught up with one of his two top contenders,
Judge Thomas Hardiman, on his way to Washington,
stopping to gas up in Bedford, Pennsylvania.
REPORTER: Can I ask about your trip to D.C.?
Are you the potential Supreme Court pick?
Shame, guys.
That poor judge.
The dude is going for a D.C. job interview
and he's getting treated like he just (bleep) a Kardashian.
Totally not cool.
These are serious judges
who deserve to be treated with respect.
So with that said, let's learn more about the man
who actually got the rose,
in tonight's installment of Profiles in Tremendousness.
I have the most dedicated people.
I have the best people. I know the best people.
We're gonna use our best people.
I have the smartest people in the world.
I know guys that are so good.
So good.
So who is Neil Gorsuch?
Well, not only is he a federal judge
on the Tenth Circuit Court of Appeals,
he's also a part-time Cialis spokesperson.
So you know he's not soft on crime.
And though there are some objections, you know,
people saying, "Oh, another white dude who went to Harvard."
On the Supreme Court, some say Gorsuch qualifies
as a diversity pick.
All of the members of the court currently are either Catholic
or Jewish, but judge Gorsuch is a Protestant, an Episcopalian.
Oh.
Change.
And so, yo, can we be real for a second?
America has so many flavors of Caucasian, it's insane.
No, like, sometimes it feels like I need
a white person sommelier
to, like, pick up the subtle differences.
He'd be like, "Mmm. I'm picking up notes of, mmm.
"Oh, yes Episcopalian with just...
with just a hint of Colorado. Yes, yes."
And I'm just like, "I'm just smelling white guy.
That's all I get.”
Now, look, elections do have consequences.
And one of those consequences
is that the president-- unless he's Obama--
gets to appoint a Supreme Court justice of his choice.
And that's exactly what Donald Trump has done.
TV REPORTER:
seeking exemption
from the contraceptive requirements in Obamacare.
TV REPORTER:
of the death penalty and gun rights.
Against abortion rights.
Against affirmative action.
Against gay rights.
He's very conservative. A lot of people think
he might be more conservative than Scalia.
God damn.
That guy's conservative.
I bet the GOP elephant is jizzing
out of its trunk right now.
He's like... (trumpeting)
And, I mean, you've got to give the Republicans props.
I don't know what else to say.
Because Obama appointed Merrick Garland
with almost a year left in his presidency.
Republicans, they stalled,
you know, refused a hearing,
made up bull (bleep) excuses
about why it couldn't, shouldn't, wouldn't be done.
It wasn't nothing but petulant bad behavior for an entire year,
and in the end, they were rewarded
with everything they wanted.
Imagine trying to raise a child in this world.
What do you say to them?
And so I hope you learned your lesson, Billy.
(bleep) you, Dad.
That's my boy.
I mean, not only do they get to fill Scalia's seat
with a like-minded jurist, they found a man
who admires Scalia so much it hurts.
The world suffered a seismic shock
with the loss of Justice Scalia.
A few weeks ago, I was taking a breather
in the middle of a ski run, with little on my mind
but the next mogul field before me
when the phone rang with the news.
I immediately lost what breath I had left.
And I'm not admit... embarrassed to admit
that I couldn't see the rest of the way down the mountain
for the tears.
Wow.
That is sad.
He was crying when he heard the news of Justice Scalia,
who had passed. A really touching story.
And also...
the whitest thing I've ever heard.
In the middle of skiing,
you got a call?
I mean, and then you had to carry on going down.
I'm... I mean, I'm just like, how do you do that?
Skiing is so much fun.
You're just there like, "Wait what?
What happened? No."
(crying)