Demi Moore has revealed in her new memoir
that she took Jon Cryer's virginity,
but according to him, he had already lost it in high school.
Dude, I would take the win on this one.
-FITZSIMMONS: Oh, yeah. -LEDERMAN: Yeah.
-Yeah, right. -If she ever said that about me,
I'd be out there on Hollywood Boulevard
-with a big poster that said, "Yeah. Yeah." -Sandwich board.
-"I tapped it." -FITZSIMMONS: Yeah,
-you'd be writing the memoir. -Yeah.
She... Yeah, it's funny, 'cause he said that...
As, like, a comeback, he said that he was so bad in bed
that she probably thought it was his first time, so...
I guess it's more like Two and a Half Minutes, huh?
-(laughter) -FITZSIMMONS: There you go.
Good night. Lights Out.
-SPADE: Lights Out. -You know what, David,
this reminds me of that kid in junior high
that was getting laid by his teacher
but couldn't keep his month shut.
-SPADE: Oh, yeah, that's right. -It's like, dude, you ruined it
-for everybody. I mean... -Right.
I lost my virginity to Demi Moore.
Uh, no, I'm sorry, Michael Moore.
-And, uh, I did it for a Democratic fund-raiser. -Yeah.
Did he have all that Ducky heat from Pretty in Pink?
-Is that what it was? I mean, my God. -Yeah, yeah.
-Right. -Where was... -Yeah, he was pretty in someone's pink.
-Um... -I'm sorry?
-I don't understand. -It's a vagina joke.
I just feel like who cares about losing your virginity?
It's not-- I lost my virginity on a water bed
in Northeast Philadelphia. It's like you got to let it go,
-you know? DMX was playing. -Yeah. -Guess what,
-we're gonna look at a clip right now. -Oh, yeah.
-Um... All right. -It's a little shaky.
-Snapchat-- we're moving on-- Snapchat -We're moving on.
is releasing a new docu-series about the Tekashi--
please say this right-- 69 trial.
-Okay. In case you're behind, -LEDERMAN: Ew.
he's snitching to stay out of jail.
There's a chance he might even end up
in the Witness Protection Program.
I'd love this guy to be my milkman one day.
-(groans) -Hey, you look familiar.
LEDERMAN: Can he put his pubes away? Jesus.
-SPADE: Pube it down a notch. -That's disgusting.
I mean, how do you-- Like, you know when people go on trial
and they try to dress 'em up and look--
This guy walks in, every jury goes, "Guilty."
Yeah, I know. For sure.
I love that he-he snitched on all these people,
and then he's gonna do a Snapchat--
It's like don't put your location on, dude.
A lot like-- a lot like the pictures on Snapchat,
uh, this guy's gonna disappear in 24 hours,
-if you know what I mean. -And you know Tommy Hilfiger
-is just digging the plug. -Yeah. Oh, yeah. -Yeah, yeah.
No, I, uh... I can tell you,
you-you snitch, you snitch on the Bloods...
I mean, I-I was a Crip for a number of years,
and I f...
You got out?
I-I flipped on 'em
because the po-po had me for slapping down this bitch.
And... all I can say is, like,
-shout-out to the 213. -Yeah.
Don't give-- don't give the real one.
Uh, Hollywood is gonna make a story about this, of course,
because snitches get pitches.
-You know that. You know that. -Snitches get pitches. Or,
-or, if you snitch, you end up on Twitch. -You know that.
It's another platform.
Well, the platform, which means that you're gonna watch
this reality show on your-- That's what I need.
I'm standing in line at Walgreens,
and the N-word is streaming out of my phone.
Usually that only happens when I'm on, uh,
Skype with my mom.
Hey, great news for gals today.
A company released CBD tampons.
-Oh. -Uh, 'cause that's what you want in a vagina,
a relaxed fit. Um...
Finally, women get to look forward to their periods, Annie.
(chuckles) I always look forward to mine.
It's a time to grow, you know?
Now, I always said that CBD was weed for pussies, so...
-That's good. -Ow.
That's good.
Hey, you know, I think anything we can do
to help women at this time:
soak that thing in vodka, heroin.
And if it's made of pot, when she's done,
you smoke it like a cigar. Celebrate.
Oh, baby.
CBD is like J.Lo--
it's in everything but we don't know what it does.
-Uh... -You don't--
You need those muscles.
Uh, all right. Married couple Catherine Zeta-Jones
and Michael Douglas said they would love to star in a remake
-of the 189-- 1989 movie War of the Roses. -Mm.
-Now, is this a good idea? -No.
Didn't they-- Did-- Hey, didn't he die in the movie?
The original movie. In the original,
-he fell off a chandelier. -All she's got to do
is tip over the wheelchair.
Right. And there was--
and there's a sex scene in the movie.
I don't want to see this sex scene.
Their combined ages is 125 years.
-Ooh. -If I see a sex scene, it should be 36 years.
-Combined? -Split it up however you want.
-However you want. -Yikes.
I want to see-- I don't want to see a movie
about them getting divorced, but I want to see a movie
about the time he told the press that he got throat cancer
-from eating out her HPV vagina. -(groaning)
You guys, I-- Honestly, I went to the bathroom
at their house once, and I was like, "Holy shit.
"Is my vagina about to get throat cancer?
What's going on in this marriage?"
If they do this movie, it'll be worse than Caddyshack II.
-Oh, wow. -And that was awful.
Yeah. Kathleen Turner's over there with her dick in her hand,
because she doesn't-- They're gonna skip her?
-Yeah. -You know what I mean? Because... -Bring her back.
Listen, she's like, "Hey, I wasn't in the In Memoriam
at the Emmys. I'm still around."
-I'm, like... -You know what I mean?
Like, "Hire me." Hollywood.
I'm, like, five years away
from being Kathleen Turner, so, my neck like...
-Oh, your voice? -Yeah.
I'm starting to think Hollywood has a problem with older women.
-I'm starting... -I don't think so. They gave you a job.
-Boom! -Ah!