MEANWHILE, THERE WAS A HUGE UPSET IN THE DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY
LAST NIGHT HERE IN NEW YORK.
LONGTIME INCUMBENT JOE CROWLEY, THE FOURTH-RANKING CONGRESSIONAL
DEMOCRAT, SUFFERED A STUNNING DEFEAT AT THE HANDS OF
FIRST-TIME CANDIDATE, DEMOCRATIC SOCIALIST ALEXANDRIA
OCASIO-CORTEZ
WHO IS ONLY 28-YEARS-OLD.
( CHEERS ) WOW, 28-- JON, JON, HOW OLD ARE
YOU?
>> Jon: 30.
>> Stephen: 30.
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S HOLDING YOU BACK, MAN?
>> Jon: SEE -- >> Stephen: YOU HAVE ACHIEVED
NOTHING WITH YOUR LIFE?
>> Jon: I KNOW.
>> Stephen: SHE'S ONLY 28 YEARS OLD.
>> Jon: DID YOU SEE THAT?
>> I JUST SAID THAT.
SHE'S 28.
WHEN I WAS 28, I GOT MY FIRST CAN OPENER.
NO ONE SAW THIS COMING.
>> Jon: I DIDN'T SEE THIS.
>> Stephen: NOT EVEN OCASIO-CORTEZ.
LOOK AT HER REACTION WHEN SHE FOUND OUT THAT SHE WON.
THAT IS THE TERRIFIED LOOK OF EYE WOMAN WHO JUST FOUND OUT SHE
WILL BE WORKING IN CONGRESS.
"OH, MY GOD!
NO!
I'LL BE GOOD!" THIS IS A SHOCKER BECAUSE
CROWLEY, THE GUY SHE DEFEATED, HE'S THE CHAIRMAN OF THE
DEMOCRATIC CAUCUS AND WAS "ONCE SEEN AS A LIKELY REPLACEMENT FOR
HOUSE MINORITY LEADER NANCY PELOSI."
BUT CROWLEY WAS BIG ABOUT IT.
HERE HE IS AT HIS RALLY, CONGRATULATING OCASIO-CORTEZ:
>> THIS IS FOR ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ!
♪ IN THE DAY WE SWEAT IT OUT ON THE STREETS OF A RUNAWAY
♪ AMERICAN DREAM ♪ >> Stephen: HE SAW THE RESULTS
AND WAS LIKE, "MIDLIFE CRISIS, ACTIVATE!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HE MANAGED TO TURN HIS DEFEAT
INTO A VIAGRA COMMERCIAL.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT ONE POLITICIAN WAS NOT QUITE
SO GRACIOUS: DONALD TRUMP.
HE TWEETED, "WOW!
BIG TRUMP HATER CONGRESSMAN JOE CROWLEY, WHO MANY EXPECTED
WAS GOING TO TAKE NANCY PELOSI'S PLACE, JUST LOST HIS PRIMARY
ELECTION.
IN OTHER WORDS, HE IS OUT!
THAT IS A BIG ONE THAT NOBODY SAW HAPPENING.
PERHAPS HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN NICER, AND MORE RESPECTFUL, TO
HIS PRESIDENT!" YES-- NO!
>> Stephen: BOO!
>> Stephen: HE'S RIGHT.
QUEENS IS BIG ON POLITENESS.
THAT'S WHY ON EVERY STREET CORNER YOU HEAR, "EXCUSE ME,
SIR, I AM WALKING HERE.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT YOU MAY FORGET ABOUT IT."
AND YOU MAY HAVE GOTTEN RID OF CROWLEY, BUT I DOUBT THE
DEMOCRATIC SOCIALIST LATINA FROM QUEENS IS A HUGE FAN OF YOURS.
"I'M SO HAPPY THAT ALIEN HAS BEEN DEFEATED.
I LOOK FORWARD TO WORKING WITH CONGRESSMAN PREDATOR."
( LAUGHTER ) QUICK PROGRAMMING NOTE:
ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ WILL BE MY GUEST TOMORROW NIGHT.
RIGHT OVER THERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO
THAT.
>> Stephen: I THINK SHE'S GOING TO BRING IT.
I THINK SHE'S GOING TO BRING IT.
AND TRUMP WAS IN SUCH A CELEBRATORY MOOD LAST NIGHT, HE
RETWEETED THIS CARTOON.
HE'S SURFING A RED WAVE TITLED "RED WAVE."
SUBTLE.
ALSO, PRETTY WEIRD THAT TRUMP IS CELEBRATING "SURFING THE RED
WAVE," BECAUSE I'VE BEEN TOLD BY MY WRITER ARIEL THAT IT'S
SLANG FOR MENSTRUATION.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, ARIEL?
>> YES, STEPHEN.
AND THE METAPHOR IS FITTING BECAUSE I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE
THESE ARE HEAVY DAYS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES YOU
HAVE TO GO WITH THE FLOW.
AS AMERICANS, WE MUST SYNCH UP!
AND SHED THE WALL!
SHED THE WALL!
>> Audience: SHED THE WALL!
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, ARIEL.
WORDS TO LIVE BY.
ARIEL, EVERYBODY.
PERFECT GOT ME.
TOUCHED ME.
TOUCHED ME RIGHT HERE.
THE OTHER BIG STORY COMING OUT OF LAST NIGHT'S ELECTIONS IS
THAT FORMER MASSACHUSETTS GOVERNOR MITT ROMNEY WON THE
G.O.P. PRIMARY IN UTAH'S SENATE RACE.
THAT'S RIGHT, MITT'S BACK, BABY!
THE THRILLA WHO'S VANILLA!
THE SALT LAKE BEEFCAKE!
THE STORMIN' MORMON!
( LAUGHTER ) HE-- HE IS SET TO REPLACE--
( APPLAUSE ) HE'S SET TO REPLACE ORRIN HATCH
WHO, AT 84, IS ONE OF THE OLDEST MEMBERS OF THE SENATE.
MEANWHILE, MITT ROMNEY'S JUST 71, ONE YEAR YOUNGER THAN DONALD
TRUMP.
AND FROM THE LOOKS OF IT, THAT WAS A PRETTY ROUGH YEAR.
( LAUGHTER ) ALSO, ALSO, LAST NIGHT,
OKLAHOMANS VOTED IN FAVOR OF LEGALIZING MEDICAL MARIJUANA.
( APPLAUSE ) THAT'S RIGHT.
LEGAL WEED IN OKLAHOMA.
WELL, AT LEAST WE KNOW NOW WHAT KIND OF DUST WAS IN THAT BOWL.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, I BELIEVE THIS IS
HEARTENING THIS THIS DIVISIVE TIME, BECAUSE OKLAHOMA
IS A REPUBLICAN STRONGHOLD.
NO IT PROVES ONCE AGAIN THERE IS NO
A RED AMERICA OR A BLUE AMERICA.
THERE'S ONLY A GREEN AMERICA WITH A TOWEL UNDER THE DOOR.
AND ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT DOOR?
JEFF SESSIONS IS CALLING THE COPS.
BUT IF THE REST OF US CAN HARNESS THIS POT-INDUCED
POLITICAL HARMONY, WE CAN GET THROUGH ANYTHING, EVEN A
20-MINUTE PHISH GUITAR SOLO.
SO THAT'S WHY TONIGHT, WE SALUTE YOU, OKLAHOMA.
( BAND PLAYING "OKLAHOMA" ) ♪ TOOOOOOOOKE-LAHOMA
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
PAUL RUDD IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, SOME CONFESSIONS.
STICK AROUND.