If you watched the show last night,
you'll know that I was on ecstasy.
And I was way too high to find my way out of the building.
So I am back here again tonight,
and I am now on ayahuasca.
[laughter]
[cheering]
Thank you.
And let me tell you, I can now see that all of us
are part of one infinite consciousness,
together in one soul.
All of us are part of the same holy universe--
except for Tucker Carlson.
[cheering]
Which brings us to tonight's headlines.
[cheering]
Here's what dipsy doodle had to say about Joe
Biden's court appointments.
So the point of diversity, equity, and inclusion,
as you often heard, is to wind up with a leadership class
that quote, "looks like America."
Now we think you should hire on the basis of merit.
But that's kind of an appealing idea.
The people who run the country should look like the country.
That's not what it's about at all because no administration
has ever looked less like America just
by the numbers than the Biden administration.
It's not about making the administration
look like America.
It's about discriminating against certain classes
of people who don't vote for them, period.
And now it's provable.
97 federal judges confirmed under Joe Biden, total number
of white men, five.
22 are Black women.
So this is race-based hiring.
It's illegal, but it's also not about looking like America.
[laughter]
I wish Tucker Carlson would go back to talking about which
M&Ms he likes to [bleep].
[laughter]
[cheering]
What-- what are you even complaining about?
Having diversity in power is a dream
come true for guys like you.
Now you can blame all of your problems
on women and Black people.
Maybe if your inbred fingers could work a calculator,
you would see that the reason Biden is nominating
so many Black women is to make up for having men
having a 200-year head start.
Even after Joe Biden's appointments,
there are only 44 Black women serving
as federal judges out of 784.
I mean, what is this, Wakanda?
44 out of 784, that is not a lot.
You need 20 Black women just to make up for Clarence Thomas.
[cheering]
And this raises a more important question,
Tucker, which is, why are you always
such a whiny, little bitch?
All you do is complain, complain, complain.
And now I have to spend my time here complaining about you.
I could have been up here talking about real issues
like how celebrities were filling up their asses
and faces with fat.
But now suddenly they're all taking out the fat
in their asses and faces.
And where does all that fat go?
And how do I get in on it?
I'm 47, and I need to start figuring out
what direction I'm going in.
And I wanted to use this time to get
some audience feedback on it.
But, no, now I have to spend my time talking about how
you're mad that white men only control almost all
of the country.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to be a woman?
How long am I supposed to keep this charade going
and pretend that my face isn't melting
in front of everyone's eyes?
[laughter]
Anyhoo, let's move on because, speaking of dissatisfied
men, a man in Singapore is suing a woman for putting
him in the friend zone.
[laughter]
That's right.
He wants $2.3 million because he says her rejection
caused him sustained trauma.
And this is why I don't date anyone from Singapore.
He said getting friend zoned caused him sustained trauma.
How hard is this guy masturbating?
[laughter]
[applause]
This would never happen the other way around.
Women would never file a lawsuit
just because a man ghosted us.
No, we would just spread a rumor, you know,
that he's got a small penis that's riddled with STDs
because we are adults.
[cheering]
I just hope this guy doesn't win.
Because if rejecting losers becomes a crime,
I'm looking at a class action lawsuit against myself.
Let's move on to some fashion news.
Even though it's only February, a lot of people
are already starting to wonder if they're going
to be ready for bikini season.
And if this is the bikini everyone's wearing,
I'm starting to wonder the same thing.
REPORTER: A woman is going viral for her reaction
to a micro bikini that she bought from Kim
Kardashian's Skims line.
The $28 bikini claims to fit everybody,
but it's barely covering a Trader Joe's tortilla chip.
So if you've been eyeing the Skims micro bikini
and wondering about the size, these are
tortilla chips for a scale.
I can't really bring this up any higher.
Normally, a bikini I'd wear, like, probably up to here.
This is the most comfortable at, like, this level.
Because if you look, this is all string.
It's not going to work for anyone.
OK, first of all, that's not a helpful comparison.
OK, nobody who can fit into a bikini that small
has ever eaten a tortilla chip.
[laughter]
And that aside, who is this bikini for?
It doesn't even cover all of your genitals.
Is someone sitting around going, my vulva's extroverted,
but my clitoris is shy?
[laughter]
In order to wear that bikini, you have
to borrow a baby's vagina.
This thing is also going to go right up your Pikachu.
It's the only bikini that comes with a box of Monistat
because you're going to need it.
[laughter]
[cheering]
I'm speaking from personal experience when I say,
this feels like a bottom that you
are going to have to throw in the garbage right
after you wear it.
I feel like you're pranking us, Kim K. I mean,
one day, you're wearing a tortilla chip bikini.
The next, you're showing up in a Batman onesie.
Which one is it, Kim?
You need to tell us!
You're our leader!
[laughter]
[applause]
Anyway, I bought one.
[laughter]
And, finally, let's talk about a group
that's definitely not buying any tortilla
kinis, the Taliban.
These assholes fought for 20 years
to get back in control of the Afghan government.
But now that they have it, it's not nearly
as fulfilling as they thought.
Meanwhile, to the Taliban.
It's been almost a year and a half
since the US left Afghanistan.
And, apparently, the ruling Taliban is--
well, they're bored.
REPORTER: Interviews with former Mujahideen
reveal that they're not happy holding down
government jobs in the city.
We had a great degree of freedom during the war,
said one fighter.
However, these days, you have to go to the office
before 8:00 AM and stay there till 4:00 PM.
Others complained about traffic and crime rates in the city
and worried that easy internet access has gotten everyone
addicted to social media.
OK, before you laugh, I follow a bunch
of jihadists on TikTok.
And they do really have good life hacks.
I mean, a lot of it involves actual hacking,
but still, it's something to think about.
I can't believe this.
The Taliban is addicted to social media, hates traffic,
and they're scared of the crime rate in the city.
Are they a terrorist group or a white girl from the Valley?
[laughter]
Who knew the Taliban are such whiny bitches?
You sound like Tucker Carlson.
[laughter]
[cheering]
Actually, you guys do have a lot in common.
I'm no matchmaker, but it sounds like a swipe
to the right--
the far right.
Apparently, the Taliban really hate living in the city.
Well, guess what.
None of the Afghan people in the city
wanted you there in the first place.
All the women who liked going to school
and driving and working won't miss you.
If you hate the city so much, go back to your cave
and work by Zoom like the rest of us, OK?
I'm not even in this studio right now.
I'm using a Zoom background because I'm
really at Burning Man, and that's why I'm on ayahuasca.
[laughter]
For more on the Taliban, we go to Afghanistan, where
Desi Lydic is reporting live.
[cheering]
That's right, Chelsea.
I'm here on the front lines with the Taliban.
And, for the record, these guys are not like the mall Santa.
Their beards are 100% real.
Found that out the hard way.
The front lines of what?
I mean, I thought the war is over.
Yes, the war with the United States is over.
But an office job is its own type of war
that the Taliban is not prepared for.
Getting hit by American missiles is bad,
but compared to everyone finding out
that you're the office pooper, I think we'd
all rather take the drones.
But isn't this what the Taliban wanted?
Why would you spend 20 years taking over a country
if you didn't want to run the country?
Oh, they want to run the country.
But they didn't know what working is like these days.
I saw one veteran fighter accidentally
log himself out of Slack.
Then he tried to log in, but it said he
had to verify with his phone.
But his phone said that he had to verify
the phone with Slack.
And then he tried to call IT, but they only use Slack.
Long story short, by the end of the day, he beheaded himself.
[laughter]
Not to mention, this is a whole new power structure for them.
They have to answer to an HR person now.
The Taliban has HR?
Oh, yeah.
Someone's got to handle all the complaints
about the women in the office.
Mainly that there's women in the office.
That makes sense.
It's bad, Chelsea.
They can't do anything right.
They tried to throw an office party,
but they don't allow alcohol here.
No alcohol? So what?
Just beer and wine?
[laughter]
No, no.
I mean, no alcohol.
Can you imagine having to interact with coworkers
without drinking?
No, that sounds awful.
Miserable.
Oh.
[laughter]
[cheering]
Well, now that the Taliban is demoralized,
maybe this is America's chance to go back in and defeat them.
Well, the beauty of this is that we don't
need to do that, Chelsea.
We can just sit back and let the monotony
of the 9:00 to 5:00 office culture take its toll.
As their cubicle walls close in on them,
and the fluorescent lights drain
them of their will to live.
So what Americans basically did to ourselves.
No, that's totally different.
Because in America, we let women do it too.
Thank you so much, Desi.