Hello it is Wednesdays with Chaseypoo and today we're talking about how to handle shame.
This is like deep. it's dark.
It's interesting and I am interested in seeing how everyone is gonna talk about this.
Because it's very vague.
But I want to talk about...ooh what do I want to talk about?
I want to talk about the shame that I felt when I decided that transition was what I needed to do.
Ehm but the shame that I felt towards my... dad.
Yeah towards my dad especially. Towards my family, but really my dad is my family.
Ehm because of things [laughs]. Let's talk about this.
So my dad ehm... my dad named his company after me... birth name.
Ehm and it's been that since I was a kid.
It's been different variations of the name, but it's always been there.
Ehm and my dad has my name tattooed on his arm.
So it's hard to be like: "Oh I'm gonna transition and change my name."
And I remember not telling him that I'm trans, but telling him that I'm going to change my name.
And he was like really confused.
And it hurt and I was like: "Oh my god I don't know what to do."
Ehm I don't want to like legally change my name, because I feel bad.
But... and I feel so ashamed of being trans and being like this, but I know that I need to do this.
So I had to do a lot of mental work to get myself ready to be able to do this.
Because I wanted to do this. This is me.
Ehm and it was just really hard, 'cause I even now...
Like his company name is like a variation of my name and my sister's name now.
Ehm 'cause she wasn't in the picture when I was fif-... I mean she was born when I was fifteen.
Ehm so that f-... it's like it's different, but it's still there.
And then I see him like frequently. Like I'm going to a western festival with him.
Right now actually. I'm at a western festival when you're watching this...ehm working with my dad.
And he has my name tattooed on his arm. And I see it 'cause he wears a lot of tank tops and stuff like that.
So a part of me is like: "You could get it covered."
"You could change it."
"You could do this." But just feel so ashamed that my dad like has to do that.
You know? Like he has to... I don't know.
Like that part of me is not dead and I feel like...
I feel like me not having that name anymore kind of negated a lot of experiences that we had as... as when I was younger.
And my dad took care of me when I was one.
He was the only person that was there for me ever, ehm so I have like a really good relationship with my dad.
And it did kind of put a fork in our relationship when I came out.
And that really hurt, but I think that we're getting back ehm to like a really good place now.
But it just... I felt so ashamed. Is 'ashamed' the same thing as 'shame'?
I don't know. I don't know. I should know that.
Please don't correct me. Like look listen, okay. I'm fucking dyslexic as fuck.
I only learned to read when I was in grade 7.
Okay like I'm catching up. I'm still reading young adult fiction and having issues.
So I took a lot of years to like kind of process this and there's nothing... I can't give you an answer.
How to handle shame? I can't give you an answer.
But I can tell you that it does... You need to face it.
Ehm the first step is admitting that there is a problem.
And admitting that you feel ashamed.
Like yeah you can feel like: "I'm ashamed. I'm... I feel a lot of shame towards transitioning because of this."
But you're not admitting it, you're just feeling it.
Admitting that you know you have these feelings was so empowering for me.
I'm like: "I feel like shit."
Not like: "Oh I feel like shit." No no no. Why do I feel like shit? Because of this, this, this, this.
So when I was able to do that, I was able to see a clear picture of what was going on in my life.
And it took some time to process and kind of really understand that no, this is my life.
He is a part of my life, but this is me.
I am living my life. He loves me no matter what.
All those experiences that we had when I was younger are still there.
The name is there. Yeah, it's triggering to see sometimes when I see his arm.
But we had great times when I was a kid and he acknowledges that I am using a different name now.
And it just feels like there is progression that happens and that's what helps.
Ehm but for a long time nothing kinda happened. He didn't use my name, my pronouns.
He didn't really acknowledge anything and I was just like: "Come on man!"
And that made me feel like I was stuck in the past and that like I was never going to escape that.
Especially 'cause his name was right there on his arm.
Ehm... his name? My name. I don't know, sorry.
Ehm but I think after a long time he started to like really understand that this is me.
And I don't know. I feel like we're at a good place and I still feel...
Like I still feel shame when I see the arm honestly, because it doesn't really go away.
But it hurts less.
And I feel like that's such a common thing with trauma.
And I... This isn't really trauma. I have had other thing-...
I don't really know what I'm talking about. Does that make any sense?
Am I fucking making any sense? I don't even know right now.
Ehm also what's really trippy is that my arm is like this, but on the view finder there is like a little black dot.
Like a... trying to find a face.
And for some reason it's on my arm and I was like why is my tattoo on my right arm?!
And I started to dissociate really bad. So I'm going to stop this video right now.
Have a great week! Let me know what you think. Okay, bye!