Translator: Carly Foy Reviewer: Thomas Tam
[TEDxZhongXi]
[Fresh Mind]
I am a clinical psychologist
and a writer.
In the therapy room,
I was always asked to play the role of a mentor.
My readers
want to be inspired by my work and words.
But you know what?
I’m actually
very insecure.
I have a lot of experiences that require me to face the public.
From hosting as a student
to participating in singing competitions and talent shows after get off work,
publishing books,
giving speeches,
or being interviewed on TV shows as a psychologist.
During these experiences,
I seemed to be fine,
and not without confidence.
But did you know?
When I was the host,
every day before I went on stage,
I was so nervous that I had diarrhea.
After this show was over,
I immediately rushed to the toilet to vomit.
In every speech
I looked at the audience
for any disinterested glances.
Thankfully it was pre-recorded so I couldn’t see your eyes.
In these situations,
I honestly didn’t perform badly,
or even very well.
Before, every time I told myself:
I need to swagger.
By the end, however,
it tends to be a little bit bad.
Even if people say
“You’re doing great.”
or “Don’t think too much.”
Doesn’t help.
After becoming a psychologist,
I started implementing psychological methods
to try to figure out the reasons for my lack of self-confidence.
Then I discovered that
my lack of self-confidence came from my constant search for
evidence that “I’m not good enough”.
As a child, I learned to paint with a famous painter.
It only lasted for a while.
According to my father,
he picked me up from art class one day.
He saw the teacher shaking his head at my drawing behind me.
He didn’t think I was fit to study painting.
Then he stopped me from learning to draw.
At that time, I had no idea how bad my drawings were.
But because of my father’s words
“you can’t draw well”
was deeply imprinted in my mind.
I struggled in every art class
because I couldn’t draw.
Let’s recall
the words or expressions
of people in our lives
that made you
give up trying?
In case of my learning to draw,
I might work harder
to improve my skills.
But because of my father’s words
hindered my progress on this matter.
It even almost affected my aesthetic.
Many people face the effects of this distust
and they will work very hard to get rid of it
and resist it.
However, this is a misunderstanding of bravery.
Many people have achieved
only superficial bravery,
just stubbornness
or denial,
but they are still deeply influenced by these pasts.
For example,
every time my student quarreled with her boyfriend,
she would habitually say
“then break up with me”.
She often said to me,
“Teacher, aren’t you the first to say that love will lose?”
After talking to her,
I discovered that she had a strong sense of fear.
She fears that her love will be devalued
or even abandoned.
She did this
to pretend she was strong.
and even tried to belittle the love of others.
Until one day,
she said again: “Then, break up with me!”
This time, instead of begging her,
her boyfriend said, “Okay, let’s break up.”
This time it was her turn to beg her boyfriend not to break up.
You said that in the face of past stress and trauma,
don’t resist or deny it.
So how to do it?
My answer is,
to see through it,
understand it.
and be friend with it.
In psychology, there is a term called “psychological resilience”,
or “resilience” for short.
It comes from a concept in physics
that explains how objects bounce back after being squeezed.
Corresponding to the psychological level,
when faced with stress or injury,
showing resilience rather than confronting it head-on.
Instead, after being affected,
slowly revert to its original state,
or even better.
In the face of harm,
many choose to ignore
or deny it,
it’s not easy.
Because it’s hard for us to accept
that we have some low self-esteem,
bad
and even ugly times.
I have a friend.
He is a very optimistic and cheerful person.
Once, he was involved in a serious car accident.
He has open fractures in both feet.
He took a year off.
During his recuperation, he found
that he couldn’t even take off his pants when he went to the toilet.
A grown man
who needs his parents to take off his pants
and clean up his feces
once felt useless.
No matter how positive and
cheerful he was,
when he went to the bathroom, he was back to his old self.
What can we do?
Psychologically, how do we develop resilience?
I am a psychologist.
But I don’t have the talent
for that either.
I can’t face and accept my weaknesses quickly.
I also went through a lot of pain,
self-doubt,
withdrawal, but at the same time, I slowly built my resilience.
When I was in elementary school,
many students liked to wear Jordan 12 sneakers.
My friends all were wearing them,
but I didn’t.
So they laughed at me and said,
“Are you poor?”
“Can’t you afford a pair of sneakers?” or something like that.
From an adult’s point of view,
such sarcasm doesn’t matter,
because a pair of shoes
means nothing.
But I was just a schoolboy at the time,
and they were my best friends.
This matter affects me a lot.
I didn’t realize until now that I really like shopping for shoes.
I have more shoes than my wife’s.
I found that by buying shoes I really waved goodbye to an unpleasant past.
Even, I try to get other people’s approval through this.
This uncomfortable feeling has been with me all the time.
This makes me overly focused on my appearance,
my behavior,
my achievement, or my performance.
However, there is something strange inside my heart.
I am like a little boy
who shyly says to people,
“Hey! I’m going to tell you something, but don’t laugh at me...
I am great, too!”
But do you know?
This little boy,
doesn’t think he’s great at heart,
he believe that
greatness means perfection,
that is not self-confidence.
Many people think of self-confidence as an “I believe I can do it well” feeling.
If in your life, you haven’t had any trouble,
or you’ve never screwed up anything,
then of course you’ll have confidence in yourself.
True self-confidence is a person’s right sense
of what is right and what need
to be improved.
Confidence is a feeling of trust
that if I screw this up,
it’s only because I’m not doing well, not because I’m a bad person.
With this trust,
we can face every challenge.
To be precise, confidence requires a little bit of reality.
When you have the right understanding of your strengths and weaknesses
you can improve and make further adjustments.
I have misunderstood the definition of self-confidence in the past.
I wasted a lot of energy just to prove that I had confidence.
Once, when taking my wife to work,
I found out, “Hey, why doesn’t she wear a wedding ring?”
I asked her.
She’s like--needs to type, wash her hands, and turn on the speaker,
afraid of scratching her wedding ring.
Then you should be more elegant.
Luckily I didn’t really say that to her.
After sending it to her company,
I seriously asked myself what was wrong.
Then I found out: I felt a little unloved.
I laughed to myself when I thought about it.
This woman married me and had a child with me.
If this isn’t love, what is?
Did you notice?
Everyone needs to have moments like this to get over this negativity
and see what it’s trying to do
and hear what it’s trying to tell you.
In every moment of lack of confidence,
my mind is always full of negative thoughts.
The idea came so quickly and directly,
it was really painful for me.
I yelled “Go away!” multiple times in my head
or “Not me!”
Until one day,
I seriously asked myself:
What are these thoughts trying to tell me?
What do I need to respond to this idea?
So,
I want you to be your own observer,
watching every emotion carefully
and asking yourself often what is wrong with you.
Don’t rush to resist or get rid of it,
judge it,
but tenderly accept every moment of vulnerability and helplessness,
after all,
in this world, if you can’t accept yourself,
who will?
The way to build resilience and confidence is to take each day seriously,
take every emotion seriously,
treat every emotion seriously,
pay attention to your thoughts,
and say to yourself,
“I know you’re hurt,
it’s okay,
you don’t need to pretend you don’t.
Let’s get through this together.”
In the end, you don’t need confidence at all
Because you are who you are.
Be your own observer.
befriend vulnerability,
and take every emotion seriously.
You will find
the greatest happiness in life...