-Now, one of the things I love about International Women's Day
is, it's all about hearing the great movements
happening for women.
But despite some progress,
there's still many misogynistic things that need to die.
So let's lay them to rest once and for all
with a new segment I'm calling
"The Official Funeral: Sexist Trends Edition."
♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ]
First, I'd like to say goodbye to something that's
been around for nearly 40 years.
[ Sighs ]
The stereotype that women don't play video games.
First of all, we do play video games.
I mean, what could be better than getting to
walk around in a fake world where men
don't tell us to smile?
And even older women love gaming.
Maybe too much.
There were years when I couldn't go on Facebook
without one of my mom's friends asking me to
send her some corn points or milk her cow jewels or
whatever the hell "FarmVille" was about.
Thanks to the stereotype that women don't play video games,
every time I post about winning first place in "Fortnite,"
guys flood my mentions, calling me a "fake gamer whore."
And with you gone, they'll have no reason
to do that...except for when I talk about sports, rap music,
or so much as mention the word "feminism."
I understand men trying to flex
like you've got more physical strength.
I'll give you that.
But this is more about the skill and speed of your fingers.
And, trust me, us women know we're great at that.
In fact, we rediscover that skill
every time you don't deliver in bed.
Now, we'd like to remember the empty compliment
of telling little girls they're pretty.
Mm-hmm.
For years, you made little girls feel like their value
was based solely on their appearance
instead of their intelligence, their kindness,
or their impressive Pokémon collection.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Not just girls. Not just girls.
Kids should want to be astronauts or zoo keepers,
not Instagram influencers who sell waist trainers.
With you gone, we'll give girls other compliments,
like saying, "You're smart. you're courageous,
and you're way better at technology than I'll ever be!"
However, the empty compliment of telling little girls
they're pretty is survived by its next of kin,
telling plus-size women they're brave.
Goodbye. You are the most innocent way
to get on the watch list.
R.I.P.
Next, I want to pay my respects to a Hollywood icon --
the question, "How do you balance work and family?"
We shouldn't be asking female celebrities
how they balance work and family.
We should be asking how they balance
walking the red carpet in 8-inch heels!
And also why they're wearing those heels
in the first place, y'all.
It's not mandatory.
Plus, we already know how they balance work and family --
a team of assistants, nannies, and drivers
who do everything for them.
Male movie stars never get asked when they're getting married,
how much they dieted to fit into their outfit,
or where their kids are, because their answer is
"never," "not at all," and "I don't want kids
because they'd be the same age as my girlfriend."
So R.I.P. the question, "How do you balance and family?"
You always manage to balance being boring
with being super-sexist.
Bye!
Finally, I'd like to honor female-centric commercials.
Yeah.
I'll miss watching you and wondering,
"Why are those women laughing about a salad?"
Plus, you had an incredible imagination.
I mean, find me one woman
who would actually wear white on their period.
I hope they serve yogurt in heaven
so you can go, "Mmm!
Tastes like dessert."
Rest easy, female-centric advertising.
You know what?
Let's pour one out for every sexist period commercial,
because this what it actually looks like.
That deserves a round of applause.