This morning, the World Health Organization
announced that because of concerns
that the word, monkeypox, is racist and stigmatizing,
the disease will officially be renamed Mpox.
Now, I don't know who this is for.
This sounds like they were trying
so hard not to be racist, that they ended up being racist.
Some guy was like, we can't use "monkey."
That immediately makes me think of, you know.
Right? Come on.
We're all thinking it, right?
Am I the only one?
Because here's the thing.
If you're really trying to get rid of the stigma,
just give it a completely different name.
Right?
Because you realize you're just abbreviating the word that you
don't want people to think about, which works,
until someone says, what does the M stand for?
Ah!
In international news, a French court has officially ruled
that companies cannot require employees to have fun at work,
after one man was fired for refusing to participate
in office parties.
Yeah.
And I'll tell you now.
I am with this guy. Yeah.
If you ask me, companies require way
too much of their employees.
You're making them go to office parties, team buildings.
You're forcing them to wash their hands
after going to the bathroom.
It's too much!
You've got to pick one.
Oh, in some news out of the Pentagon,
the US Defense department just failed a government audit,
with officials saying that they are
unable to account for more than 60%
of the military's $3.5 trillion in assets.
Yeah.
They just don't know where it is.
And I don't even know how it's possible to lose
track of that much money.
Like, what, are they waterboarding
people with Cristal?
What are they doing there?
And honestly, the Pentagon deserves
to be punished for this.
Unfortunately, they happen to have
all the missiles, so we'll let it slide this time, Pentagon!
Oh, but next time!
All right.
Let's move on to some of the biggest stories of the day,
starting with China, America's loan shark.
Ever since the coronavirus originated
in one of China's major cities, Xi Jinping's government
has been doing everything it can to clamp down on COVID 19.
But after three years of some of the strictest lockdowns
in the world, it looks like the Chinese people
have officially had enough.
REPORTER: Protests are spreading across that country.
Thousands are taking to the streets, some
even calling for China's president to step down--
all of this, amid rising frustration
over the government's zero COVID strategy.
REPORTER: Crowds swelled in defiance, spilling
over to the heart of Beijing.
REPORTER: Chanting for freedom from the grip
of a COVID policy that protesters
say has worn on too long.
They're calling for the end of lockdowns, the end of testing,
all of the zero-COVID measures that have rural daily
life here.
Yeah, that's right.
People in China are taking to the streets
to protest the government's draconian COVID policies,
which is a big deal, because remember, China is not one
of those chill countries, where you just talk trash
about the government, or storm the Capitol,
or plot to kidnap a governor.
No, no, no.
No.
Protesting in China is a big deal.
It's like growing up in an African family
and trying to tell your parents that you don't think
Noah's Ark is real, you know?
Like, I'm just saying, Mom!
Think about it!
How can they fit all those animals on one boat?
She'd be like, the same way I'm going to fit all this foot
on your backside, eh?
Are you saying the Bible is not real?
Are you saying the Bible--
Jesus, help this child now.
Now, there are many reasons why China has been so
hardcore with its lockdowns.
Less than 1/2 of the elderly population is vaccinated,
the Chinese vaccine isn't particularly effective,
and the Communist government has refused
to bring in outside vaccines, obviously because they think
it will make them look bad.
It's the same reason I was reluctant to bring
a dildo into my relationship.
Yeah.
No, I don't mind that you use it, but the fact
that you cuddle with it afterwards--
that's what hurts me, Candace!
That's what hurts me!
[applause, cheering]
And almost three years into this pandemic,
it is still crazy to see the range of responses
from different countries around the world, right?
China shuts down an entire city if one person coughs.
Meanwhile, Americans are like, hey, guys, I tested positive
for COVID, so I'm just going to play
the first few rounds of Spin the Bottle tonight, OK?
Let's be responsible.
Ahhhh.
But let's move on.
From a dictatorship to someone who wishes
they could start their own--
Donald, "you're making me crazy" Trump.
Ever since Donald Trump announced that he would be
running for election in 2024, many have been wondering,
will this finally be the moment when he becomes presidential?
Well, judging by his recent dinner party with Kanye West,
the computer says, no.
Former President Donald Trump is facing fierce criticism
tonight, even from his own allies,
for having dinner at his Mar-a-Lago estate with
controversial musician Kanye West and white
supremacist Nick Fuentes.
REPORTER: If you're not familiar,
Fuentes is this high-profile figure on the far right,
a Holocaust denier, but he's best
known for running the America First organization, which,
according to the ADL, quote, "seeks
to forge a white nationalist alternative
to the mainstream GOP."
Even for Donald Trump, this was outrageous.
OK, first of all--
first of all, this whole story sounds like the setup to one
of those jokes that your uncle tells you at dinner, you know?
Like, OK, so a racist billionaire
and anti-Semitic rapper and a white supremacist
walk into a bar.
And then, what happens?
Hold on, the Black waiter is coming.
A Diet Coke, please.
Thank you.
[applause, cheering]
Secondly, why do journalists still
act surprised when Donald Trump does Donald Trump stuff?
Even for Donald Trump, this is-- what do you
mean, even for Donald Trump?
It's Donald Trump doing Donald Trump.
Trump having dinner with Nazis is not outrageous.
If he had dinner with vegetables,
that would be outrageous. That would be crazy.
What?
Yeah, and he was spelling words.
What?
But because of this dinner, Trump has taken a lot of flak
from all sides.
And so in classic Trump style, he
sends out a few posts about why, as per usual,
he isn't to blame for anything that he did.
REPORTER: But Mr. Trump tried distancing himself, posting
on social media that "West called me to have dinner,"
"expressed no anti-Semitism," and claimed,
"I didn't know Nick Fuentes."
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
In Trump's defense, I mean, how would he
know that the guy Kanye rolls with could
be a white supremacist?
I mean, I get what he's saying.
He's like, I just wanted to have
dinner with this anti-Semite.
I didn't know he was going to bring a friend!
Because I love how Trump tries to immunize
himself by saying Kanye "expressed no anti-Semitism"
at the dinner.
And then, what?
I'm also sure he didn't rap at the dinner,
but you still know that he's a rapper.
Now, you might be wondering, if Kanye didn't want
to talk anti-Semitism at the dinner table, what
did he want to talk about?
Well, apparently, he was trying to convince
Trump to not run for president, but not in the way you think.
REPORTER: The dinner was not completely amiable.
Trump became angry when West asked the 2024
presidential candidate to serve as running
mate for West's own newly-announced
presidential bid.
REPORTER: Ye posting this video to Twitter, titled,
"Mar-a-Lago Debrief," explaining he asked
if Trump would be his vice-presidential
running mate at the dinner.
KANYE WEST: I think the thing that Trump
was most perturbed about--
me asking him to be my vice president.
But then, he goes on to say that Kim is a [bleep]..
You could tell her I said that.
And I was thinking, like, that's the mother
of my children.
Trump started, basically, screaming at me at the table,
telling me I was going to lose.
I mean, has that ever worked for anyone in history?
[laughter]
"You're going to lose."
I'm like, whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on, Trump.
You're talking to Ye.
[laughter]
OK.
First of all, Kanye--
whoever made his video-- they bleeped him when he said
the thing that Trump said.
And I'm going, you have people that bleep you.
Why don't you use them more?
You should be like, here's what I think about the-- boooop.
Boooop, boooop, boooop.
And also, the fact that Trump got so mad at Kanye
just shows you, like, where his priorities are.
He has no problem hosting a guy who
wants to go DEFCON 3 on the Jews or the Holocaust denier
that he brought to dinner with him, who he got along with.
But if you ever suggest he should
be number two on someone's ticket,
Trump would be like, you disgust me, sir!
Talk like that, there's no place in America.
We don't talk like that in this country.
And I get where Trump is coming from.
Kanye is asking Trump to be his Mike Pence,
and Trump is probably like, ew, I could never be Mike Pence.
I have sex with my eyes open.
All right. That's it for the headlines.
But before we go to a quick break,
let's check in on the stock market
with our finance expert, Michael Kosta, everybody!
[applause, cheering]
Michael, good to see you, man.
Good to see you.
What on earth is happening in the market today, man?
I'm crushing it, Trevor.
I am crushing it, and I got a hot tip for you.
I got a hot tip for you.
So pay attention, OK?
Now, today, the Dow was down big.
All right?
But I don't care, all right?
Because today is Cyber Monday, right?
Not to be confused with Black Friday, or Small Business
Saturday, or Giving Tuesday.
It's not Thirsty Thursdays or Taco Tuesdays
or Sunday, Bloody Sunday.
It's Cyber Monday, the day George
Washington declared 30% off of all plasma-screen TVs,
all right?
So the way I'm crushing it today, Trevor, is by spending.
All right?
Experts like me know you got to spend money to make money,
which is why today, I am making boatloads of money, all right?
Now, let me show you what I'm buying.
First thing in my cart-- a "Stocks for Dummies" book.
Look, I don't know shit about stocks, all right?
Yeah, I crush it, and I make tons of money,
but I don't understand any of it.
So as soon as I learn to read, this book
is going to be super helpful.
Now, speaking of helpful, the next thing in my cart--
seven breast pumps.
Now, look.
Little known fact-- they can pump anything, OK?
You got a flooded basement?
You need to put air in your bicycle
tires, muscle definition--
OK?
How do you think I got these fat baby twins, all right?
By borrowing my sister's breast pump.
All right?
And now, I'm going to have seven of my own.
Next item in my cart--
a picture frame.
Look, I don't need a picture frame.
But this is a family that I want to be a part of.
Look at that.
Innocent, pure, together--
I bet this family doesn't think my mashed potatoes are
too salty.
You ever think about that?
My family?
Ugly.
OK, next one.
I always wanted to get a guitar,
so I put a guitar in my cart.
And I was going to get a real guitar,
but I got this Fisher Price one,
cheap, no strings attached.
Also, no strings attached, so very easy to learn to play.
Now, somber note-- on my next item in my cart,
it's an adult casket, OK?
Now, look, I'm not planning on dying anytime soon,
but I ate a bad egg sandwich on a WestJet flight,
coming back from my ugly family's Thanksgiving,
and I was contemplating my own death.
And during that time, I thought,
holy shit, I haven't planned for my funeral!
So I got a good deal.
Also, caskets-- great place for storage
while you're still alive-- paper towels, kids toys.
New Yorkers, you get it.
Smaller caskets, plus bonus-- when my wife says,
go sleep on the couch, I say, OK, no problem.
But secretly, I sleep in the casket.
Joke's on her.
And with the extra storage space, I got plenty of room
for my last item-- seven more breast pumps, just in case
my first seven break.
That's why I'm the expert. All right.
I promised you a hot tip, remember?
All right?
Hot tip-- stop watching this right now,
and start online shopping.
You can't buy any of this any other day.
Back to you, Trevor.
Let's go.
Michael Kosta, everybody.