WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT IS DAY 20 OF DONALD TRUMP'S
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN.
OR AT LEAST I THINK IT IS.
THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF TIME HAS BEEN FURLOUGHED.
( LAUGHTER ) TODAY THE PRESIDENT FLEW
DOWN TO SOUTHERN BORDER TO...
POINT AT THE BIG EMPTY SPACE WHERE A WALL WOULD GO?
(AS TRUMP): "YOU SEE THAT PLACE WHERE THERE'S NO WALL?
I'M THINKING THERE."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT BEFORE HE GOT ON HIS
HELICOPTER, HE HAD A LOT TO YELL ABOUT THE SHUTDOWN.
I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF "CHOPPER
TALK."
♪ ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHAT EVERYONE WANTS TO KNOW IS:
WILL THE PRESIDENT DECLARE A NATIONAL EMERGENCY TO BUILD HIS
WALL.
AND HE GAVE A FIRM "I DUNNO:" ( LAUGHTER )
>> I HAVE THE ABSOLUTE RIGHT TO DECLARE A NATIONAL EMERGENCY.
I HAVEN'T DONE IT YET.
I MAY DO IT.
IF THIS DOESN'T WORK OUT, PROBABLY I WILL DO IT.
I WOULD ALMOST SAY DEFINITELY.
>> STEPHEN (AS TRUMP): "I MAY PROBABLY, DEFINITELY, CERTAINLY
FOR SURE, THOUGH, PERHAPS-NOT.
( LAUGHTER ) TELL YOU WHAT, LET ME CHECK THE
MAGIC EIGHT BALL.
NO, IT SAYS TRY AGAIN LATER ."
BUT YOU KNOW THAT'S JUST HOW EMERGENCIES ARE.
YOU NEVER CAN TELL WHETHER THEY'RE URGENT OR NOT.
"HELLO, 911?
CAN YOU SEND A FIRE TRUCK RIGHT AWAY?
MY HOUSE MIGHT BE ON FIRE.
MAYBE, MAYBE NOT.
WE'LL SEE.
BUT IF YOU ARE SENDING A TRUCK, PLEASE BRING A PIZZA.
OH, GARLIC KNOTS."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT TRUMP IS SURE THAT DECLARING
AN EMERGENCY WOULD BE LEGAL.
>> THIS IS A THING THAT THE LAWYERS TELL ME IS 100%.
>> STEPHEN: MR. PRESIDENT, IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT IS AND IS
NOT LEGAL, I DON'T KNOW IF I'D ASK YOUR LAWYERS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ONE OF THEM IS UNREACHABLE FOR THE NEXT THREE YEARS.
( LAUGHTER ) BY THE WHY, ILLEGAL BORDER
CROSSINGS ARE AT A 46-YEAR LOW, SO WHAT IS THE ACTUAL MAYBE
EMERGENCY?
>> HERE IS THE STORY.
THERE IS ANOTHER MAJOR CARAVAN FORMING RIGHT NOW IN HONDURAS.
IT IS BIGGER THAN ANYTHING WE HAVE SEEN.
>> STEPHEN: YES!
THERE'S A NEW, EVEN BIGGER CARAVAN.
♪ ♪
>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: YES!
IT'S ANOTHER CARAVAN.
IT'S A SEQUEL.
THEY'RE FASTER AND MORE FURIOUS.
GET READY FOR "2-CARA, 2-VAN."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, YESTERDAY, TRUMP HELD
NEGOTIATIONS TO END THE SHUTDOWN WITH CONJOINED DEMOCRATS, NANCY
PELOSI AND CHUCK SCHUMER.
SCHUMER SAYS THE MEETING DID NOT GO WELL.
>> HE SORT OF SLAMMED THE TABLE, AND WHEN LEADER PELOSI SAID SHE
DIDN'T AGREE WITH THE WALL, HE JUST WALKED OUT AND SAID, "WE
HAVE NOTHING TO DISCUSS."
>> STEPHEN: YES, HE SLAMMED THE TABLE.
SO EITHER TRUMP WAS REALLY ANGRY, OR THAT'S JUST THE EFFORT
IT TAKES FOR HIM TO GET UP FROM THE TABLE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
BUT TRUMP DENIED SCHUMER'S STORY.
>> I DIDN'T POUND ON TABLES, I DIDN'T RAISE MY VOICE.
THAT WAS A LIE.
I VERY CALMLY SAID, "IF YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GIVE US STRONG
BORDERS, BYE-BYE."
AND I LEFT.
I DIDN'T RANT, I DIDN'T RAVE LIKE YOU REPORTED.
I DON'T HAVE TEMPER TANTRUMS, I REALLY DON'T.
I VERY CALMLY WALKED OUT OF THE ROOM.
I DIDN'T SMASH THE TABLE.
I SHOULD HAVE, BUT I DID NOT SMASH THE TABLE.
(AS TRUMP): "I DIDN'T THROW A TANTRUM.
I JUST SAID, "BYE BYE," THEN STORMED OUT WITH MY POCKETS FULL
OF CANDY."
( LAUGHTER ) AND THAT'S NOT THE ONLY THING
TRUMP THINKS THE PRESS GOT WRONG.
>> THE NEWS INCORRECTLY REPORTED BECAUSE I SAID,
IF--WELL, IF WE GO BACK AND EVERYTHING IS PEACHY DORY AND
YOU SAY-- >> STEPHEN: HOLD ON.
PEACHY-DORY?
( LAUGHTER ) YOU CAN'T JUST MIX PHRASES LIKE
THAT.
IT MAKES IT SOUND LIKE YOU'RE NOT PLAYING WITH A FULL DECK OF
MARBLES.
( LAUGHTER ) NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE
SPOON.
( LAUGHTER ) THEN TRUMP WAS ASKED ABOUT
TRUMAN'S FAMOUS QUOTE ABOUT THE GREAT RESPONSIBILITY OF HIS
OFFICE.
>> DOES THE BUCK STOP WITH YOU OVER THIS SHUTDOWN?
>> THE BUCK STOPS WITH EVERYBODY.
>> Stephen: YES.
INSPIRING WORDS.
REMINDS ME OF FAMOUS QUOTE FROM ANOTHER PRESIDENT.
"THE ONLY THING WE HAVE TO FEAR... IS EVERYBODY.
THE DEPRESSION IS ALL YOUR FAULT!
THE ECONOMY USED TO BE PEACHY DORY."
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S WHERE HE GOT IT,
PEACHY-DORY FROM F.D.R.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
GOT TO BE FASTER THAN THAT.
NOW, DEMOCRATS HAVE COMPLAINED THAT THE WALL IS AN EXPENSIVE
BOONDOGGLE, AND THAT TECHNOLOGICAL IMPROVEMENTS ARE A
BETTER WAY TO SECURE THE BORDER.
TRUMP DISAGREES.
>> THE ONLY WAY YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE BORDER SECURITY-- THERE IS
ONLY ONE WAY-- YOU CAN HAVE ALL THE TECHNOLOGY IN THE WORLD, I'M
A PROFESSIONAL IN TECHNOLOGY-- ( LAUGHTER )
>> STEPHEN: YES, TAKE IT FROM NOTED TECHNOLOGY PROFESSIONAL,
DONALD TRUMP.
WHO ONCE BRAGGED HE HAD NO HOME OR OFFICE COMPUTER, AND "I DON'T
DO THE EMAIL THING."
( LAUGHTER ) (AS TRUMP): "TRUST ME, I KNOW
ALL THE LATEST TECHNOLOGY: THE WHEEL, THE FORK, THE ELECTRIC
SLIDE."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT WHY IS THERE A FUNDING
STAND-OFF TO BEGIN WITH?
TRUMP PROMISED THAT MEXICO WOULD PAY FOR THE WALL.
OR DID HE?
>> WHEN, DURING THE CAMPAIGN, I WOULD SAY MEXICO'S GOING TO PAY
FOR IT-- OBVIOUSLY, I NEVER SAID THIS AND I NEVER MEANT THAT
MEXICO WOULD WRITE A CHECK.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: OH, SO WE'RE CRAZY.
IF ONLY THERE WAS A LETTER YOU WROTE TO "THE WASHINGTON POST,"
WHERE YOU EXPLAINED YOUR PLAN AND SAID THAT MEXICO COULD "MAKE
A ONE-TIME PAYMENT OF $5 TO $10 BILLION."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHOA.
WOW.
SO MEXICO COULD MAKE A PAYMENT.
( APPLAUSE ) THAT QUOTE JUST CAME BACK AND
SMACKED YOU IN THE AS.
BUT WE KNOW YOU ENJOYED THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) PRESIDENT SPANKY.
( PIANO RIFF ) I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S THE SOUND
HE MAKES.
AND WE JUST FOUND OUT SOMETHING WE ALREADY KNEW.
TRUMP'S WALL IS NOT QUITE AS IMPENETRABLE AS TRUMP CLAIMS,
AFTER HOMELAND SECURITY CONDUCTED A TEST ON THE
PROTOTYPE AND EASILY SAWED A HOLE IN IT.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S OKAY.
WHO EVER HEARD OF IMMIGRANTS WITH CONSTRUCTION TOOLS?
( LAUGHTER ) THEN TRUMP MOVED ON TO ATTACKING
THE DEMOCRATS.
ESPECIALLY THE FRESHMEN.
>> THEY HAVE BEEN TAKEN OVER BY A GROUP OF YOUNG PEOPLE, WHO
FRANKLY, IN SOME CASES, I HAVE BEEN WATCHING.
I ACTUALLY THINK THEY ARE CRAZY.
THEY HAVE GONE CRAZY.
>> STEPHEN (AS TRUMP): "THE YOUNG PEOPLE ARE GOING CRAZY!
THEY'RE 'GRAMMING THEIR BRUNCHES, FIDGETING WITH
THEIR SPINNERS, AVOCADO-ING THEIR TOASTS!
DANCING SHOULD BE ILLEGAL!
THEY'RE ALL CRAZY!
NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I NEED TO GET BACK TO SMEARING MY FACE
WITH TANNING CREAM AND SCREAMING ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO ARE COMING
OVER THE BORDER TO LIVE IN OUR LAKE HOUSES."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
GAVE A SPEECH ON TOP OF A THEN HE HOSTED A ROUND TABLE
WHERE HIS MOUTH MADE WORDS, WORDS OF IMMIGRANTS.
>> THEY DON'T GO THROUGH YOUR POINTS OF ENTRY.
THEY GO RIGHT THROUGH.
AND IF WE HAD A BARRIER OF ANY KIND, A POWERFUL BARRIER WHETHER
IT'S STEEL OR CONCRETE, IF WE HAD A BARRIER THEY WOULDN'T BE
ABLE TO MAKE THAT TURN.
THEY WOULDN'T EVEN BOTHER TRYING.
THEY CAN'T GO THROUGH THE POINTS WITH PEOPLE.
WE WOULD STOP THAT COLD.
WE WOULD STOP IT COLD.
THEY CAN'T FLY IN, OBVIOUSLY, FOR OBVIOUS REASONS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN (AS TRUMP): "BECAUSE
OBVIOUSLY EVERYONE KNOWS MEXICANS CAN'T FLY.
RIGHT?
THEY CAN'T FLY."
( LAUGHTER ) "DO THEY HAVE WINGS?"
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP THEN RESPONDED TO THE
CRITIQUE THAT THERE IS NO CRISIS AT THE BORDER.
>> THEY SAY THIS IS A MANUFACTURED CRISIS.
THAT'S A NEW SOUND-BITE.
ALL OVER, I TURN THE TELEVISION-- I CALL THE
OPPOSITION PARTY, IT'S CALLED THE FAKE NEWS MEDIA.
AND WHAT HAPPENS IS EVERY NETWORK HAS "MANUFACTURED
CRISIS."
THIS IS A MANU-- EVERYONE OF THEM.
IT'S LIKE THEY, YOU KNOW, SEND OUT TO EVERYBODY LET'S USE THIS
SOUND-BITE TODAY.
SO IT'S A MANUFACTURED-- BUT IT'S NOT.
WHAT IS MANUFACTURED IS THE USE OF THE WORD MANUFACTURED.
IT IS MANUFACTURED BY THEM.
>> STEPHEN: A SOUND ARGUMENT BASED ON THE IRONCLAD LEGAL
PRINCIPLE KNOWN AS "HE WHO SMELT IT DEALT IT."
( LAUGHTER ) I BELIEVE THAT'S CHIEF JUSTICE
JOHN MARSHALL CAME UP WITH THAT ORIGINALLY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THEN TRUMP BROUGHT IT ALL HOME
IN A BEAUTIFUL ODE TO THE EFFECTIVENESS OF WALLS.
>> THEY SAY A WALL IS MEDIEVAL.
WELL, SO IS A WHEEL.
A WHEEL IS OLDER THAN A WALL.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: I DON'T KNOW IF
THAT'S TRUE.
( LAUGHTER ) NO ONE DOES.
YOU'D HAVE TO ASK SOMEONE WHO WAS AROUND WHEN WHEELS AND WALLS
WERE INVENTED SO...
WILBUR ROSS?
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT!
SENATOR KAMALA HARRIS IS HERE!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.