(audience applauding) Thank you, hey.
Thanks a lot, well it's good to be here
and I'm having a good time.
I'm watching a lot of TV.
Do you all enjoy watching the TV?
(audience cheers)
And my favorite thing to watch is Star Search.
That's my favorite show.
Man, that's a good show with Ed McMahon.
You know what's good about that show?
You get to see the stars of tomorrow,
today.
You don't have to (audience laughing)
you don't have to wait around till tomorrow.
(audience laughing)
And I love my favorite part, you know,
is when ed McMahon introduces the junior dancers,
you know, when he does that,
he always has this like,
"Hot Property!" (audience laughing)
Bunch of kids come dancing out there.
(audience laughs)
"Too cute for you!" (audience laughing)
I also like that 'cause they got junior dancers on it too
and you never see junior dancers anywhere else
in show business.
You know?
It's the only on that show.
You're never, "Where the hell is, you know?"
(audience laughing)
I mean, you're never hanging around and go,
"Hey honey, what you wanna do tonight?
"Maybe go down to the bar there
"or catch a movie or something there?
"Hey I know, I heard about this new joint
"down on Sixth Street, they got the,
"they got the five year olds dancing.
(audience laughing) "Maybe we could...
(audience laughs)
"I understand Hot Property's gonna be there tonight.
(audience laughing) "We can see them.
"I've never seen 'em live,
(audience clapping) "I hear they're better live
(audience cheering) "than on the TV.
"They're even better."
That's also a big mistake they make on Star Search,
they always name their groups like "Hot Property"
and stuff like that.
As if that's gonna help them win, you know?
(giggling from audience) What kinda...
Like the bands, it's always like some embarrassing intro,
always like Ed be goin'
"Our next group has been kicking around the Miami area
"for the last 16 years.
(audience laughing)
"Now America, say hello to
"Overnight Success!
(audience applause)
"Yeah, there they are!"
Ah, then it looks lame if you lose
with a name like that, you know?
(audience laughing) You don't look good.
"Now it's time for the judge's decision."
You ever see the judges on Star Search too?
(giggles from audience)
What kinda lame judges are they?
(laughs from audience)
You never heard of the guy,
they always got some suspicious credentials there.
(audience laughing)
"Now it's time to meet our judges.
"He is the president
"of 'Tri-Media Artists' (audience laughing)
and he represents such stars as Meadowlark Lemon.
(audience laughing)
"There he is, he's a bald guy with glasses."
(laughs from audience)
Then they cut to a bald guy with glasses.
(giggles from audience)
A guy just waving.
No, so, you want the good names,
you don't want,
all the guys with the bad names,
get the winning,
and the guys with the big good names, it's always like,
"Now it's time for another tough decision for our judges."
He always says that.
"Another tough decision for our judges,
"Our challengers, 'Overnight Success' receive
"one and a quarter stars!" (audience laughing)
And then I like when Ed like brings them over,
that's my favorite part.
Like when the guy that wins,
"Come on over here!
"Overnight Success!"
Let's pretend they win, you know?
(audience laughing)
And then they run over
and then sometimes Ed has some good news for 'em,
that's my favorite part, he'll go,
"'Overnight Success,' well it was good to see you there
"and how would you like if I told you
"you're in the semifinals!" (audience laughing)
He's all excited.
(audience cheering)
Okay, hey folks, I'm gonna go over there now.
Thanks a lot, huh?
Talk to you later! (audience cheering)
(audience applause) Norm Macdonald's here!
We were really enjoying your bit,
especially over here,
your stand-up because Andy was a judge on Star Search.
Oh Yeah? Yes, I was.
(audience laughing) (Conan laughing)
Andy is the president of TriStar Entertainment, yeah.
That's right. That's the caliber of guy
I'm talking about. (Conan and audience laughing)
(audience booing) (Conan laughing)
[Conan] Hey! They love each other!
Ah, oh.
(Conan laughing) (audience cheering)
(Conan clapping)
That's what we need more of on TV.
The hell am I doing?
(Andy laughing)
Okay. How are ya?
How you doing on Update? Good man, great.
You're doing a great job. It's fine, yeah.
Thanks a lot.
Well, I try to make it funny and stuff and...
(Conan laughing) (audience laughing)
And that's your secret.
Yeah. (audience laughing)
You know what you gotta do?
You gotta keep in track of the competition.
That's what I find,
see what they're doing-- [Conan] Uh huh.
and try to make it funnier than them.
So like I brought some jokes I do
[Conan] Okay. and then some jokes
that you might hear from the competition.
[Conan] Okay. So here's Al Cowlings,
you know this guy. [Conan] Yeah.
So my joke was, "Al Cowlings now has a 1-900 number
"for 2.99 a minute,
"Cowlings will tell callers that OJ is innocent,
"for $3.99 a minute,
"he'll try to do it without laughing."
(audience laughing) [Audience Member] Yeah!
I like that joke.
Yeah, well, they don't.
(Conan laughing) (audience laughing)
Now, (Norm laughing)
compare this with, this was Tom Brokaw's joke.
You know your earlier guest.
Yeah, yeah. (audience laughing)
This was his joke, the same night.
"A.C. Cowlings, the man who drove OJ Simpson's Bronco
"as police followed,
"today came out with his own 1-900 number.
"NBC's David Bloom has more."
It's not even funny, you know,
it's like... (Conan explodes with laughter)
(audience laughing)
Like the lamest-- [Andy] Not funny at all.
I know, it's kinda lame. Lamest joke I've ever heard
in my life. (Conan laughing)
Now here's another one here.
"Twin daughters have been born
"to Andrew and Kerry Kennedy-Cuomo."
This was two weeks ago. [Conan] Mm hmm.
"Making former New York governor,
"Mario Cuomo, a grandfather." [Conan] Mm.
"The girls were named Pataki and Sucks."
(audience laughing)
Hilarious.
So that was my joke. That's your joke.
That's good joke.
Here we go.
Now here's Brokaw-- [Conan] Okay.
The guy that they're paying all these millions to.
He says, "Mario Cuomo is a grandfather today.
"NBC's Jim Bitterman has more."
(audience laughing)
It's like...
(Conan makes whooshing sound) It's like almost exactly
the same joke
as his other one. (Conan laughing)
(audience laughing)
He changed the guy's name, all right.
[Conan] What's he doing? (Conan laughing)
What? [Andy] Thank you!
(audience laughing) (Conan laughing)
You hold onto those, Andy. He's crazy.
(Andy laughing) (audience laughing)
Those will come in very handy.
I figured it out, 'cause I saw his show.
You know what the problem is?
He's got guys in the background typing.
(Conan laughing) They're typing stories.
[Conan] Uh huh. And he's already
doing the news.
It's like too late, you know?
(Conan and audience laughing) What the hell's he thinking?
Let 'em start a half hour earlier
and get off a half hour earlier,
and you'd have a better, I don't know...
(all laughing)
All right.
Well, I see you're in, you're in Billy,
what is it, Billy Madison.
[Norm] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I caught Adam's movie
the other day.
Yeah that was-- [Conan] How as that?
You're a movie star now. Yeah, no.
(audience laughing) (Conan laughing)
(Norm laughing) I'm just in that movie
with Adam. (Conan laughing)
[Conan] Well, what's it like working on a film?
It was great, it was great to work with Adam.
I never met him, that was the odd part.
(Conan wheezing) In the whole movie,
you'd think I'd have a change to meet the guy.
Uh huh.
Never came up.
(Conan laughing) (audience laughing)
You don't see him around Saturday Night Live at all?
No, I never see him, he's not...
(Conan laughing) We never cross paths.
[Andy] Uh huh. Gee. It's one of those things.
People think these guys, these audience people,
they think everybody in the show business knows everybody.
[Conan] That's right.
They're idiots.
(audience laughs uncomfortably)
Oh, not you. (Conan laughs hysterically)
He didn't mean anyone here. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Or anyone watching at home. No, no, no.
(Conan laughing) (audience laughing)
You didn't mean anything like that.
No, no, no.
You guys aren't idiots, you know that.
You don't have to have me tell you you're not idiots
for God's sake. (audience laughing)
(Conan and Andy laughing)
But you're not idiots. (audience laughing)
I got, I got... (Conan laughs)
(audience cheering) (Conan clapping)
I got you out of that hole fine.
(Conan laughing) You went back.
That one guy is an idiot, over there.
(Conan laughing) (audience laughing)
I swear to God. That guy, yeah, yeah.
But most people are... We've had problems with him.
(audience laughing) (Conan and Norm laughing)
All right... (Norm groans)
(audience cheering)
Who's on Saturday Night Live this week?
What, it's George Clooney and The Cranberries,
is that right?
Yes. That's what it says
on this card. George Clooney
and The Cranberries. [Conan] Yeah.
That'll be a fun show to watch.
Yeah. [Conan] Try some Brokaw
material when you're out there.
Okay.
All right, well I'll be looking forward to it.
Okay, buddy.
(Conan laughing) Hey!
Thanks for coming by, Norm. Nice seeing you, man.
(audience applauding) Norm Macdonald everybody!