Ladies you know that the appropriate response if another lady ever compliments you is to
completely deflect it. If someone comes up to you and says, 'Oh my God girl you look
so pretty,' your response is supposed to be, 'No, no, I am breaking out, I'm just wearing
so much makeup and really I would rather just cut my head off and throw it into a trashcan.
This week on Stuff Mom Never Told You I kicked things off with 'Are Women Scared of Weightlifting?'
On Wednesday I delved into fashion history with '5 Strange Accessories Fashionable Women
Used to Carry Around'. Then on Friday I played a delightful game called 'If Catcalls Were
Compliments'. Now onto Ask Cristen, first of all thanks to everyone who watched and
commented on last week's Ask Cristen video 'Should cis-gender men men play a role in
abortion?' I want to thank everybody sincerely for keeping the comment section pretty respectful.
Dick Coughlan had one of my favorite comments: 'They can have a say but it's not their body
so ultimately it's not their decision...simples.' Plural. Romeo Cote said, 'I think men should
get a say, I mean we do have feelings and an investment in the issue. But sadly, no
matter how you slice it...it's just not our decision. Though the implications of being
financially liable for the outcome of some one else's decision is a deep dark and complex
rabbit hole that I am no way able to unravel.' I was surprised though with the overwhelming
theme of a lot of guys' comments on that video, 'You want reproductive rights, you got them
but in that case I get to choose whether or not I want to financially support you and
that baby.' It is apparently a highly contentious issue. I'll talk about it if y'all want a
video on it. But in that case you got to let me know. Let's talk about something not quite
as contentious perhaps with this week's Ask Cristen question coming from someone who would
like to remain anonymous and I will respect that. 'Why is there a double standard in our
society about women giving each other compliments on their appearance when it's taboo for men
to do that?' This question came at such a perfect time because there has been a lot
of conversation around this whole compliment thing. Specifically in regard to a street
harassment video gone viral, a lot of you have probably watched it about a woman who
walked through the streets of New York for ten hours and she got catcalled slash street
harassed over a hundred times and everyone was like 'Ahh this is awful' but there were
also a lot of people who were like 'Ugh you're awful lady just learn to accept a compliment.'
There was a fantastic response to that whole 'it's just a compliment' deflection started
by This [Week in] Blackness' CEO Elon James White. White began this hashtag 'dudesgreetingdudes'
to point out guys you know what? You don't have to just yell 'compliments' at women as
they walk down the street. If you really, really, really need to get a compliment out
of your system you can just compliment other dudes. He tweeted some suggestions including,
'You see a dude in a nice suit. Just roll up to him like "Damn you wearing that suit.
Mmm-mmm." 'Listen my boys and I watched you when you came out of the train. Your kicks
is banging son. Can I give you my number?' Humorous tweets aside, this observed resistance
of guys to compliment other guys on their appearance is really telling in terms of where
we are with homophobia and also masculinity constructs and how boys are taught to relate
to other boys. Prior to the twentieth century, friendships between men were far more emotionally
expressive. Abraham Lincoln even shared a very narrow bed with his best friend Joshua
Speed for many many years. If you read letters between guy friends at the time they use words
like 'passion' and 'love' and if you even look at photographs taken of close male compatriots
they're often holding hands or touching each other in some kind of way that today we would
probably consider very strange and overly intimate especially for two dudes. Then around
the turn of the twentieth century things really start to shift as love-marriage as opposed
to marriage arranged for economic purposes has become the ideal set-up. Along with that
this emerging idea of spouse as friend shifts that passionate friendship away from say a
platonic person in your life to the object of your undying love and devotion. Concomitant
with this is a rise of homophobia particularly by the 1910s and 1920s after World War I,
this construct of what's called active masculinity becomes the new norm for men. If we go back
to say the Victorian and Edwardian Era it was very much about gentlemenly regard. It
was all focused on chivalry and it was highly paternalistic. More protective of women from
male sexuality than assertive of it. With active masculinity, sexuality comes more to
the forefront along with homophobia that sexuality should be expressed in a very directly heterosexual
way. Even though yes today we are far more progressive in terms of our recognition of
the mere existence at least of LGBT individuals, there still is a lot of lingering homophobia
in our culture. There is still is a lot of second-class citizenship unfortunately that
comes with that, I mean look no further than the fact that gay people can't get married
wherever they want in the United States. While I don't have any studies to cite to you like
I normally do to back up this observation I think it's pretty clear that what's going
on a lot of times is a bit of active masculinity at work, of building a heterosexual shield
around you so that no one can mistake you for being anything other than a straight dude
on the up-an-up. Speaking of gay men, I have a feeling that there might be some awkwardness
with them wanting to compliment other guys and perhaps framing it in such a way if they
just want to compliment you. They're not trying to flirt. Now I want to hear from you. Especially
guys do you compliment other guys on their appearance or is that sort of an unspoken
don't go there? Let me know in the comments below and hey I need some new ideas for videos
so for realzies ask me some questions so I can give you some answers. And congratulations
to Seththinksthoughts for this week's tweet of the week: 'Cristen Conger your use of costumes
is something I adore. Gonna try it in some of my own upcoming vlogs also talking like
swanky peeps.' Yes I am the queen of the swanks.