Oh, I done made it out here.
We out here.
LA, boy, let me tell you something.
It's a privilege for me to be shooting this special.
Comedy Central.
Oh, I done made it, huh?
They done cut the check.
Oh, I done made it.
Well, one thing about it though, I just
can't forget where I'm from.
I'm from the south.
I'm a conservative black man.
Just because I made it, it don't mean nothing.
I ain't used to money.
So when they cut me the check, I still
find myself being cheap to me.
Am I the only one, have a pocketful of money,
but you still seem to do the cheapest
shit you could possibly do?
Man, they cut me a check.
They said, Mario, you got to get to LA.
I said, it ain't nothin'.
I went online and found the cheapest airline
I could possibly find to get a round trip from Atlanta to LA,
to LA back to Atlanta.
I went to Spirit.com.
Oh, you all must have heard about it.
I put the round trip on Spirit, $42.
I'm looking at the website like, they must have fucked up,
put the wrong shit on here.
$42?
Book it!
But me being the cheap person I am, oh, I booked the ticket.
But you know when you sacrifice quality for quantity, you
gonna get your money's worth.
Oh, I booked the ticket.
$42 round trip, Atlanta to LA, LA to Atlanta.
And you know you get on a cheap flight like that, in your mind
you're thinking, oh, I already done made it.
I'm on my way to LA.
I'm going to show my ass.
So I'm at home packing my clothes.
And if you on your way out of town to do some big stuff,
you know, you packing everything in your closet.
You packing stuff you ain't even wore in your own city yet.
You're like, you know what?
I might wear it in LA.
I'm talkin' my suitcase was so fat, I was sitting on shit.
I'm trying to press it in.
I'm coming through the airport.
I've got my shades on.
I'm already winning, what?
I paid for $42 I'm somebody.
I'm coming through the airport, strollin'.
I get to the little Spirit kiosk.
The lady looked to me and she said,
I see you're checking a bag, sir.
She was already on it.
One thing about Spirit, you gonna
pay a little cheap $42 for that trip,
but you better not check no bag.
You hear me?
That bag gonna be $6,000.
Check that bag.
Check a bag.
They waiting to see you come through there with a bag.
I'm coming through there, like uh-huh, what's happening?
She told me, I see you got a bag, sir.
Put it on the scale.
Now, this is where they got me.
Now, this is why I should have turned around.
Put it on the scale.
Spirit will allow you $100 the first 50 pounds.
But it's $5 each additional pound after that.
I put my bag on the scale, I said [grunt].
Now, you know your bag heavy when you
got to [grunt] a little bit.
The scale ain't [inaudible] the flow [grunt].
I put my bag on a scale.
It was 84 pounds.
She said, Mr. Tory, it will be $100 for the first 50,
$5 after that.
Turned out to be $270.
I looked at her and I said, you mean for the whole bag
or what's in the bag?
What you trying to tell me, ma'am?
I'm confused here.
She said, sir, if you want this bag to go to LA,
it's going to be $270.
So I looked at her right in her face,
and I did what any sensible person here--
I had a pocketful of money.
I did what any sensible person her woulda
did, any grown person here that got some sense.
I went to the bathroom, and I put all my shit on.
You here me?
I had all my drawers on.
I had long johns on.
I had jogging pants over jeans, shorts--
swimming trunks over shorts.
I had all my shoes on, two pairs of shoes.
I had [inaudible] and flip-flops on, all my socks on.
I had every pair of socks on, socks over my shoes.
Every shirt I had, button down to the V-necks.
I had my toiletry bag around my hip like a little fanny pack.
I came out the bathroom like a gingerbread man.
I said, where the damn gate?
You ain't fuckin' this up.
I'm going to LA.
Now, when I got on the plane, I'm already
walking like a gingerbread man.
I'm hitting babies in the head.
Old man saw spots on the head.
I got to my seat.
I sat down.
And when I sat down-- this is when I should of got off.
I sat down.
I looked around in the seat, and I said, damn.
I hit the little flight attendant button, blip bloo.
I said, ma'am, listen, ain't no seat belts in the seat, ma'am.
Don't you know this lady leaned over the seat, looked at me,
and she said, sir, you paid $42 for this round trip.
Ain't no seat belts on here.
You don't care about your life.
Sit down, sir.
That's why we call this Spirit.
You gonna pray up here.
Sit down.