You have a ginormous dick. [Funny extras can go in English (Canada)]
[Funny extras can go in English (Canada)]
WAVE: All right! Why are we here?
SERYU: To serve JUSTICE!
WAVE: All right, I get it.
So why are we here, actually?
BOLS: I think it has something to do with General Esdeath's coupon not working at this weekend spa.
WAVE: Seriously! Why are we here?!
KUROME: We have orders to kill everybody.
WAVE: Thank you! As morbid as that sounds(!)
RUN: Can we hurry this up? I want to go on my lunch break.
WAVE: Isn't it midnight right now?
RUN: Exactly. And I'm hungry from not eating anything.
I put some stuff in the freezer, and I think it's had enough time to--
[Guns cocked] MAN: FREEZE! Take out your money!
And enjoy a great spa day! You deserve it!
WAVE: Hey, they seem nice.
MAN: Also, we no longer accept coupons.
KORO: (Roar / chomp)
SERYU: KILL THEM!
[♫ Opening theme ♫]
[Distant screaming / yelling]
TATSUMI: Sssooo...
Lovely evening for murder...
ESDEATH: Oh, sweetie. This isn't murder; it's genocide. There's a difference.
TATSUMI: Ohhh-ho-ho! Thank you for that...
...haunting clarification.
'WHAT DO I DO?!'
'I woke up 20 minutes ago in the middle of the forest with a bunch of weirdos saying'
'"Look at the happy couple!"'
'WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT?!'
'Okay... If she looks away for a second, I can try and run away.'
'I mean, who'd want to be in a relationship with her anyway?'
'OH NO, SHE'S CUTE! My one of many weaknesses!'
ESDEATH: Oh, Tatsumi. There's no need to worry.
Let's go back to watching the light in the spa staffs' eyes
flicker out as they're boiled out of their sockets.
It's kinda like fireworks.
BOLS: He-he-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...
Uuahh-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
SERYU: Die, you evildoers!
Next one, Koro!
KORO: Doh-ohh!
SERYU: Bye-byye~!
DR. STYLISH: Oh! Look at my perfect creation in action!
With the hands of God, Perfector,
I am able to bring everyone one step closer to perfection!
But sadly, not as perfect and stylish as I,
the lovely Dr. Stylish!
RUN: Sorry. I'm sadly not able to let you leave here alive. Orders are orders.
I better get paid overtime for this.
ESDEATH: Tatsumi? Why don't you come back and sit with me?
TATSUMI: Ahh, no, I-I'm, I'm good over here.
Love all this... genocide going on.
ESDEATH: That's a genocide-loving smile you got there.
I knew you were the one for me.
TATSUMI: Mm-hmm...
ESDEATH: Ahh, what a perfect honeymoon this turned out to be.
TATSUMI: ...Sorry; what did you say?
ESDEATH: I'm so sorry you missed our wedding day, honey.
It was such a beautiful ceremony.
Bols officiated the wedding!
BOLS: [distant] You two look *so cute* together!
III ship it!
ESDEATH: I've never been this happy with anyone other than you.
TATSUMI: 'You know... The more I look at her,'
'the more I think everyone over exaggerated a bit on her being a psychopathic killer.'
'I mean - look at that face! A face like that wouldn't kill millions!'
[Faint stock scream]
'All right, I've decided!'
'I'm gonna convince her to join the Revolutionary Army using my...'
'...*manly charms*!'
ESDEATH: (Humming)
TATSUMI: I have too much charm. 'All right, what happened?'
'All I did was lay on my manly charms and now she wants to go to bed!'
'At 7 p.m.!'
*I'm not tired at all*!
ESDEATH: Neither am I~
[Metallic friction SFX]
[Startled whimper]
It's time to go to bed~ my love.
TATSUMI: Eh-eh... Okay...
ESDEATH: ...You don't know what you're doing, do you?
TATSUMI: Do what? Wh-What am I doing?
ESDEATH: I... I don't know.
Honestly, I have no idea what couples are supposed to do at this point.
I asked Bols for advice, but that kind of fell through as soon as he mentioned
setting the room on fire as a representation for our fiery passion...
TATSUMI: Been there, done that!
Fun fact - *not* as fun as it sounds!
Also, would you consider switching sides and joining the Revolution Ar--?
Wurbh!
[Soft thump]
ESDEATH: I did it! I had my first kiss~!
TATSUMI: That was your first kiss?! There was so much tongue!
ESDEATH: Did you like it?
TATSUMI: I mean, yeah; 10 out of 10; would French again--
Wait! I need to talk to you about something!
[Slap] Ow!
Owwie!
ESDEATH: Did you like *that*?
TATSUMI: You slapped me! In my face!
ESDEATH: I know! It was exhilarating!
TATSUMI: Esdeath, please! I need to talk to you!
ESDEATH: Oooh~! You want to commence some dirty talk?
I've never done that before, but I'm open to try.
TATSUMI: *Listen*!
I think with slaps like that, you would be perfect for the Revolutionary Army!
ESDEATH: ...I've decided I don't like dirty talk.
TATSUMI: And *I* never decided I wanted to get *married*! *But here we are*!
ESDEATH: What happened between us?
What happened to the man I married eleven hours ago?
Tatsumi, we've grown so far apart in so little time.
I think we need to see... a professional.
So I couldn't think of anyone with a degree in counseling,
so I thought you guys might be able to help.
WAVE: Sorry, General Esdeath. I don't think anyone around here can help y--
BOLS: I have a doctorate in counseling.
KUROME: Huh. I would have thought that Dr. Stylish would have had a doctorate in that.
DR. STYLISH: Please. "Doctor" is my perfect, *first* name.
ESDEATH: So, Dr. Bols, what do you think we should do to salvage our marriage?
BOLS: Hmm...
Have you tried setting your room on fire?
ESDEATH: I told you I wasn't going to do that.
BOLS: Well that was your first mistake. Have you tried listening to each other?
ESDEATH: "Lee-saa-niin"?
What's that?
BOLS: To give attention to someone or something, in order to hear him, her, or it.
ESDEATH: Hmm... I think I'm starting to understand.
TATSUMI: Yeah, I-I like that one! We should do that one!
ESDEATH: Shush, Tatsumi. I'm trying to... "li-sun" to him.
"In order to hear him, her, or it"...
Okay; what else?
BOLS: Hmm, I think I'm seeing the problem here.
Maybe you should both get some rest; see how you feel in the morning.
ESDEATH: Can we sleep in the same bed?
BOLS: Of course you can sleep in the same bed!
TATSUMI: Can we... not sleep in the same bed?
BOLS: Of course you can sleep in the same bed!
WAVE: Ah... What a beautiful day.
The sun is out... the birds are chirping...
...and the Tatsumi
is a ZOMBIE! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?!
TATSUMI: Wellll...
[Flashback] WAH! AH! AH! AH! AAAH!
[Present]
...it's... too cruel to talk about.
KUROME: I feel like you're being a weenie-butt.
WAVE: Hey, Kurome. Can I have a cookie?
KUROME: No; you're a stinky-butt.
WAVE: WHAT?! I DON'T...
I DON'T STINK!
[Snap / munch]
TATSUMI: 'Huh? What is this feeling?'
'Feels very... nostalgic.'
'I shouldn't talk to her.'
Hey, can I have a cookie?
KUROME: Okay. Just one.
WAVE: What?! You never gave *me* a cookie!
KUROME: It's peanut butter.
TATSUMI: You evil witch!
KUROME: The only one worthy enough to share my delicious cookies...
...is my sister.
TATSUMI: Aw, that's nice.
KUROME: Who I must kill.
TATSUMI: Thaat's not as nice...
ESDEATH: All right. No more Mr. Nice Guy!
Except for you, honey; you can have "Mr. Nice Guy".
TATSUMI: Aww...
ESDEATH: Unfortunately, Dr. Bols...
DR. STYLISH: (Annoyed grunt)
ESDEATH: ...thinks we need some time to ourselves.
TATSUMI: Really?
ESDEATH: Ah, I know. It's painful for me as well.
That's why I've arranged a mission.
Tatsumi and Wave, I need you to go out and kill Christmas.
WAVE: What?
ESDEATH: It seems people didn't heed the Capital's warnings about leaving out their Christmas decorations.
Now a bunch of homicidal Christmas trees are running amok and have already killed hundreds.
It's your job to find and destroy these trees and the holiday spirit fueling their power.
WAVE: ...Okay.
And that's why there are actually eight seas in the world and not seven!
Don't you think that's just amazing, Tatsumi?
TATSUMI: [monotone] Yeah. Real amazing.
'This guy's so dumb. How can anyone put up with him?'
WAVE: So enough about me. What kinda hobbies are you into, Tatsumi?
TATSUMI: The stabbing kind.
WAVE: Uhh... What kind of things... do you like... to stab--?
OH GOD, NO! TATSUMI: Watch out!
WAVE: Hah... I knew that was a thing you were going to do and wasn't going to stab me!
Hah, I was the best man at your wedding, after all!
[Trees growl]
It's the last inning. Two men against an entire forest.
I like these odds.
Ready, Tatsumi?
Ha... We did it Tatsumi! We finally killed Christmas!
Now, let's go back...
...home?
Where did he go?
OH GOD, ESDEATH IS GONNA KILL ME IF SHE FINDS OUT I LOST HER HUSBAND!
Looks like I have no other choice.
GRAAAND CHARIOOOOT!
[Grand Chariot roars]
TATSUMI: Totally forgot I had an Imperial Arm. Very useful.
WAVE: Uh, excuse me, sir? Have you seen a lost husband?
I, I mean he's not my husband, I might add; just... a husband nonetheless.
Hey, wait a minute. I recognize that armor.
That's Incursio from Night Raid!
The prototype of my Imperial Arm, Grand Chariot.
TATSUMI: Wait, can I upgrade to that?
WAVE: What? No, no; it's mine!
TATSUMI: But it's so cool and shiny!
WAVE: Really? You think it's cool and shiny?
Wait a minute! What's wrong with you?! Get your own upgrade!
Anyways, I have to take you in for questioning.
Even if I have to bring you in by force.
TATSUMI: Okay; well, good-luck-with-that; bye!
WAVE: Why, thank you. Hey, wait a minute!
TATSUMI: 'This is my only chance to get out of that hellhole! No way am I going back!'
Huh?
WAVE: Like that outdated Imperial Arm has any chance to outrun MINE!
This is the end, Night Raid!
TATSUMI: 'Uh, this can't be good.'
WAVE: GRAAAND FAAALL!
TATSUMI: WHA--?!
WAVE: Now... I just wait for his body to come back up...
I said, "come back up"...
He, he-he's not coming back up...
SHIT, DID I JUST KILL MY ONLY LINK TO TATSUMI?!
SHIIIT, SHIT-SHIT-SHIT-SHIT-SHIT-SHIT-SHIT!
TATSUMI: Holy crappers, that guy can land a kick(!)
(Coughing)
Well...
I'll take this pain any day if it means I can finally be free.
[Heavy footsteps / roaring]
Uh, hey...
(Coughing)
Wanna be friends...?
I guess not. Goodbye, world!
Uh? Akame? What are you doing here?
AKAME: Saving your sorry butt. What does it look like?
TATSUMI: What happened to your Najenda agenda?
AKAME: Supreme Najenda died an honorable death.
TATSUMI: You lost the eyepatch in the woods, didn't you?
AKAME: Yeah, I lost it in the woods; but that's besides the point.
TATSUMI: Ow!
AKAME: Tummy butt. We were worried sick about you, you know?
TATSUMI: I'm sorry to make you guys worry.
Next time, I'll try not to win a tournament where we could have won a bunch of money.
AKAME: Well, let's not go that far.
LUBBOCK: AH-HA, THERE! I saved you! My save! I did! Just me! Ha-ha-ha-ha, ha-ha!
TATSUMI: It's good to see you, Lubbock.
LUBBOCK: Ah, it's all good; you can hold your praises for later.
TATSUMI: I wasn't going to praise you.
LUBBOCK: I'm just glad I got my broski back.
AKAME: He was crying like a bitch for you while you were missing.
LUBBOCK: I was *crying like a man*!
TATSUMI: Ah... I'm so glad I can finally go back to my non-torturous home of Night Raid.
WAVE: Come on, General Esdeath!
I'm sorry for losing your man, but there...
There's plenty more fish out in the sea, you know; like, all eight seas!
ESDEATH: Add another! KUROME: Sure.
WAVE: AAAH-HA-HA-HA-ha...!
ESDEATH: Let this be a lesson to you.
If you ever fail another order for me *again*...
...you will feel a pain so agonizing, that even *death* won't be able to alleviate it!
WAVE: [high pitch] Yes, ma'am!
SERYU: Seryu, reporting back in!
With news! And Koro!
KORO: Baoguduguh!
SERYU: Koro is sad to report that he couldn't find Tatsumi!
He's a bad boy! No justice treats for you!
KORO: Douhh...
SERYU: You must be heartbroken right now, General Esdeath.
ESDEATH: Oh no, I'm fine.
WAVE: But wait! I thought I was being punished for losing Tatsumi!
ESDEATH: Oh no. This punishment is for letting that Night Raid scum get away.
The punishment for losing Tatsumi, my one true love and the only person I'll be capable of loving,
is coming later. And rest assured...
It will be much... worse.
WAVE: Oh...
Good to know(!)
ESDEATH: Thank you for the report, Seryu. You're now excused.
RUN: Can I be excused as well?
It's required in my union to have a mandatory break. I've been working for 48 hours today alone.
ESDEATH: Oh, I killed the union; you're not going anywhere.
RUN: You killed the whole unio--?!
You know what? You're Esdeath. I shouldn't be surprised anymore. Ha-ha-ha...!
(Inhales and sighs)
WAVE: By the way, where's Dr. Stylish?
ESDEATH: Who permitted you to speak? [To Kurome] Add another.
WAVE: AAAAAAAAAH!!
ESDEATH: Even though we're far apart and my heart aches each and every second for you...
I know you'll come crawling back to me...
...Tatsumi.
Hu-hu-hu-hu-ha-ha-ha-ha...
TATSUMI: And that's all the powers, personalities, and other miscellaneous information about the Jaegers!
LEONE: Never mind about all that useless info!
You got *married*?! Why the hell wasn't I invited?!
I could've been your best man!
LUBBOCK: Hey?!
LEONE: And Lubbock your maid of honor!
LUBBOCK: Why am I okay with that?!
AKAME: Tatsumi, did you say that one of the Jaegers... is called "Kurome"?
TATSUMI: Yeah? What about it?
AKAME: So my sister is with them.
Meh.
TATSUMI: Taking down Esdeath won't be a piece of cake. Her strength is the real deal.
Trust me. I-I would know...
[Flashback] WAH! AH! AH! AH! AAAH!
[Present] (Audibly shivers)
AKAME: Esdeath? The Prime Minister? It doesn't matter who stands in our way.
We'll cut through all the corruption in the Capital...
...until there's nothing but free cupcake stalls on every block!
LEONE: And a steakhouse!
AKAME: And a steakhouse!
EVERYONE: YEAAAAAH!
DR. STYLISH: "Dr. Bols"...
I'll show them who's the *real* doctor...
when I, *Dr. Stylish*...
...execute my *perfect* plan to bring in *all* of Night Raid!
They'll never see it coming~!
(Sinister laughter)
GEOFFREY: (Joins in)
DR. STYLISH: No, no, Geoffrey. None of that.
GEOFFREY: Aww...
EAGLE8BURGER: Hey there, guppies. Wave here, calling from the torture chamber.
I just came by to tell you that if you liked the episode,
then hit that subscribe and bell button under this video, and follow The Schmuck Squad on Twitter for updates.
I've been told that if enough people subscribe, General Esdeath might let me outta here.
So, please...
HELP ME! SUBSCRIBE RIGHT NOW! I'M DYING! NOT ACTUALLY! THAT'S HOW TORTURE WORKS!