- Let's talk about one of the most important moments
in any person's love life.
No, it's not the day they get married,
and it is not the moment they meet that special someone.
It's the moment you get dumped.
And here's why?
When you've really given yourself to a relationship,
you've opened your heart, you've poured yourself in,
and you get dumped,
how you handle that moment
determines whether or not your love life
gets set back years, whether you formed blocks
that prevent you from having what it is
that you want in your life,
or whether or not you use that moment
to actually propel you forward in your love life.
And so today I'm gonna give you three things.
If you you've been dumped,
three things that you can do immediately
to prevent that experience from becoming a barrier
and instead allowing it to be a breakthrough
in your love life.
Watch this.
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Hey there, my name is Mat Boggs
and I'm the founder of the love and relationships division
of the Brave Thinking Institute
where our mission is empowering people
to create and live a life they love.
And that includes your love life.
So if you like this video,
I encourage you to click that little Subscribe button
and click that little bell because every week
we bring you videos to empower you in your love life.
You know, I was on a coaching call recently
and it was just one of those heartbreaking calls
where a woman I had been working with
finally opened her heart.
She finally really leaned into this relationship
and her and her man had this three month whirlwind romance.
They spent the holidays together,
and he finally said I love you to her.
She said I love you back to him.
And the relationship was going great.
And then out of the blue he calls her up one day
and just says, "I'm freaking out.
I can't do this.
It's not you it's me.
I'm so sorry.
And I'm breaking up with you."
And she gets on her next coaching call
and she is bereft.
And she's grieving and she's like, what happened,
what did I that I do, and she's just crying.
And oh, my heart went out for her.
I just wanted to give her a big virtual hug.
And it can be so confusing in those moments.
What did she do wrong?
And, could she have done something better,
and all of that.
And that's exactly where her mind went.
It was like, how was I not enough?
How did I not show up enough?
What did I do wrong?
And here's the deal.
If someone breaks up with you out of the blue
without ever giving you warning,
without ever giving you an opportunity
and describing, hey, here are the challenges
that I'm having and let's talk about this.
And if they break up with you out of the blue,
it's not you, it's them.
When someone says, it's not you, it's me.
Yeah, believe them.
It is them because chances are that person
hit an upper limit.
That person hit their paradigm and they freaked out
and they didn't have the capacity
to even bring you that conversation.
And so in that moment, what can you do?
Because those are very painful moments,
but they're also very transformational moments.
And so here are three things that I shared with her
that were very powerful
and I wanna offer them to you.
So if you ever face this moment in your life,
you know exactly what you can do.
Number one is tell yourself an empowering story.
You see your mind's gonna want to come at you
with all kinds of disempowering thoughts.
Thoughts like, well if you had been different here,
it probably would've worked out.
Or if you hadn't done that, things would've worked out.
Or maybe if you were more this, it would've worked out.
No, stand guard at the portal of your mind,
any thought like that that's disempowering, cast it aside,
and claim for yourself the empowering story.
Because at the end of the day,
you're gonna tell yourself a story
about why this happened and what it means.
We all do.
We give meaning to the events in our lives.
And here's the cool part.
You are fully empowered to give this story
an empowered meaning,
you're equally empowered to give it a disempowering meaning,
a meaning that doesn't serve you.
So be very careful what meaning you give this story,
'cause most people that aren't aware of this
will give it meaning like, you know what,
men never choose me.
Men always reject me.
Maybe love isn't in the cards for me.
What if my love life is destined to be one of pain
and it's just never gonna work out for me.
And they'll not even knowingly,
they'll tell themselves those thoughts,
never knowing that they're actually writing that down
as their story.
That doesn't have to be your story.
You can create an empowered meaning out of this event
that says, you know what?
I finally opened my heart.
I finally loved courageously,
and we had months of beautiful experiences together.
And I'm grateful for those experiences.
And you know what?
I'm grateful for even though I don't like how it ended,
I'm grateful that it ended swiftly
to create room for something even more amazing in my life
because I know the best is yet to come.
So what meaning could you give a moment of a breakup,
because know this, when you give it an empowered meaning,
you empower yourself to move forward.
Number two is to feel your feelings.
There's almost nothing more painful
than emotional pain, an emotional breakup.
And sometimes it can feel so painful
that we wanna push it away.
We wanna suppress it.
We don't wanna feel it because it's just so painful.
But know this, the only way to transform those emotions
is to actually allow yourself to feel them.
Feeling your emotions releases them.
It re-patterns them.
If you suppress your emotions, you avoid your emotions,
whether you're drinking, or you just let me get distracted,
or let me suppress it,
know this, that energy isn't going anywhere.
You're just storing it up for later.
And it will come out
and it will often come out as a physical ailment
and you don't wanna do that to yourself.
There is a beautiful book written by Dr. Joan Rosenberg
called "90 seconds to a life you love".
And what her research showed is that while these emotions
might feel really scary and overwhelming and bottomless
like we'll never get to the end of the emotion,
emotions actually come in about 90 second waves.
And so if you allow yourself to really feel the emotion,
you'll notice that there'll be about a 90 second crest
of that emotion and the intensity and the peak of the wave
and then you'll ride down the other side.
And when you allow yourself to really feel it,
you're releasing that emotion and re-patterning that energy.
Some people think that crying is a sign
that you're out of control.
And I would argue that's actually the opposite.
Crying doesn't mean you're out of control.
Crying means that you're in control
of processing your emotions.
And so let yourself feel the emotions,
let yourself cleanse that
because that's how you're able to give yourself
a fresh start when you're ready to move forward.
And number three is to create closure for yourself
by writing three different letters.
And I'll explain to you what these letters are
here in just a moment.
But it's the concept that this relationship didn't work out.
And so you come to a realization that says, you know what,
I might not like how this relationship ended.
I might prefer it to be different and for it to worked out,
but at some point when you're ready to create closure
there's this acceptance of this idea
that says, okay this relationship didn't work out
for a reason.
It really means that my higher power, it wasn't meant to be.
And so therefore there must be something
even better in store.
And so you can help yourself move through the emotions
of that breakup and create space for the universe
to send you something new
by writing these three letters.
The first letter is called The Love Letter
and it was first designed by Dr. John Gray.
And I love this.
He explained this letter to me and is so therapeutic,
so healing, and here's how it goes.
There's prompts that you use,
I'll give you the prompts right now.
And you just journal on these prompts.
And the first prompt is "I'm angry because"
and you allow yourself to feel those feelings
and you write down all the reasons you're angry.
I'm angry you didn't tell me before you broke up with me.
I'm angry that you didn't show up.
I'm angry that you weren't brave enough to really lean in.
I'm angry that boom boom,
and you allow yourself to feel angry.
And the next prompt is "I'm sad because".
And you allow yourself to feel the sadness.
I'm sad because we had such a good thing going.
I'm sad because I wanted this to work out and it didn't.
I'm sad because, and on and on and on.
The next prompt is "I'm scared because"
or " I'm afraid because".
And you write down all the fears that are coming up for you
and you just get those out. If you keep them in, remember,
you're not making those feelings go away
by suppressing them.
You have to express them, feel them, get them out.
So I'm scared because I don't know
if it's ever gonna happen for me.
I'm scared because I'm running behind on my timeline
to have a family.
I'm scared because whatever it is for you.
And then you move into forgiveness.
And you forgive the other person
and you say, "I forgive you because".
And you journal on that and you allow your heart to move
into the space of forgiveness.
And then you bring up gratitude and you say, you know what,
I'm grateful because, and you describe all the things
that you're grateful for this person
and the experiences you had together,
the good times that you had together,
the lessons you learned about yourself,
about relationships and love because of that experience.
And then you end it by wishing them well.
End with gratitude and end by wishing them well
as they move forward in their life.
That's letter number one.
And the second letter is a letter
that you write to yourself.
And you journal on all the lessons that you learned
from this past relationship,
the gifts that you're taking with you,
because you opened your heart
and you were in that relationship.
And then what is your commitment to yourself?
Your way of being as you move forward.
And the third letter is a letter you write
to your future partner.
The love of your life is it's on his way into your life.
And your letter to him is "My promise to you is".
And you write a love letter to him and start it this way.
Say, "I promise you".
And it might be that I promise you to give you my open heart
free of being jaded, free of resentment.
I promise to bring you open honest communication,
I promise to bring you the best of myself.
Now you might not be ready at the beginning
to write the letter to your future partner,
start with a letter where you move through the emotions
and then do the commitment letter to yourself.
And when you feel ready,
write this letter to your future partner.
And what's powerful about these three letters together
is they become the rudder that helps be your guide
as you move forward in your relationship.
And it can absolutely transform.
Your past does not dictate your future.
One of my clients came into the program,
very similar story.
Her heart had been broken by a man she was in love with.
She got into a new relationship.
Her heart got broken again.
Another guy broke up with her out of the blue.
And she went through this exact process.
And she made a commitment to herself.
She allowed herself to feel all of the feelings
and then she took the gifts and what she had learned
from that relationship and who she could be.
And she made a commitment to herself
of how she would be moving forward,
that she wasn't gonna shut her heart down
because of this past experience.
And then she wrote a promise to her next man.
And within two months she met that man,
and the two of them fell in love.
He proposed and they got married.
What I love about that example
is that the best is always yet to come
if you choose for it, if you allow it, if you claim it.
So if your heart's broken right now,
feel a big hug for me to you.
And I know how painful that is.
And if you're willing to make room for this,
know this the best is yet to come.
Your man is on his way into your life.
Something extraordinary is seeking you now.
So my question for you
is if you've gone through a breakup or some heartache,
what have you done that's really helped you transform
that moment from being one that holds you back in love
to one that propels you forward in love?
Go ahead and share those comments
in the comment section below.
I'm gonna love to read what you have to say,
your thoughts on this.
And know this, I believe in you.
I'm here for you.
Thanks so much for watching and I'll see us soon.
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