(upbeat music)
- For two years, I had a laptop that was missing a zero key.
(audience laughing)
I went to the Apple Store, and I was like,
can I get a new zero?
And they were like, oh, you have to replace
the whole keyboard, it costs $200.
And I was like, well, I'm not worth it and I left.
(audience laughing)
Do you guys ever do this thing,
where something of yours breaks
and you're like, okay, I can pay to fix this,
or I can make my life a little shittier everyday.
(audience laughing)
This was the workaround that I came up with.
Every time I needed a zero, I would go to Google
and I'd type in, I'd start to type in the name
of the rapper, Andre three and I'd wait for it
to autocomplete thousand and then
I'd copy paste one of his zeros
into whatever I was working on.
And I did that everyday for two years.
(audience laughing)
And now I feel like I need to meet Andre.
You know, I feel like I need to meet him
because I just want to be like,
look, you may be called Andre 3000,
but you're Andre three billion to me, buddy.
(audience laughing)
(applause)
You guys have been fun, thank you.
- [Host] Emmy Blotnick, everybody.
Give her a good round of applause.
(upbeat rock music)
(bird squawking)
(tense music)
- What the--
Hi, I know this is probably a weird question,
but could I possibly wash my hair here?
- You know, it's funny, as I was cleaning up,
I was hoping that someone would come in and ask
to wash her hair.
Go ahead.
- Really?
- Yeah, but listen to me.
You're on your own, okay?
I don't want to get involved in this.
- Thank you.
- Just hurry up, wrap this up.
- [Emmy] Thank you.
- You got a weird smell to you too.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Oh my god.
- I'm trying to clean here.
- I'm so sorry, I--
- Here's the deal, just take your coat off,
sit down, relax, do this, and get out of here, okay?
- Thank you, I really appreciate it.
- Are you okay?
- A dead pigeon beaned me in the head
and I'm supposed to be on stage
in like 20 minutes and I just feel like
it's bad luck before a show to get the plague.
- You gotta go on stage, what are you, a dancer?
- No.
- Do you want a towel?
- That'd be good.
Thank you.
- What a horrible day, huh?
- Yeah, can I borrow a comb?
- Go ahead, over there.
Knock yourself out, use three, I don't care.
- Thank you. I could, yeah.
- I mean, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're supposed to rinse that out.
- I...
- It's Windex.
It's blue.
- But does it even matter anymore?
- Well yeah, you do have dead bird in your head.
- I'm just so grateful, you'd let me do this.
Thank you so much.
- No, listen, keep your money.
Buy, do something nice for yourself tomorrow.
Just come back sometime, okay?
- You don't want that.
- I know.
- Thank you.
- No problem. - Thank you.
- Good luck dancing tonight.
(upbeat music)
- Your next comic, she's wonderful.
Let's hear for Emmy Blotnick!
(audience cheering)
- Man, man oh man oh man.
Oh, boy.
I got called in for jury duty for the first time.
Has anyone done that here?
- [Audience Members] Yeah.
Couple of good citizens.
All right, that's cool.
It's just as bad as they tell you it is.
You have to get to the court house
at eight in the morning.
And I went to one of those coffee carts
outside the court house.
There was a guy selling muffins and I grabbed one.
I just shoved it in my face and I went in.
And so they're like, okay,
this is a medical malpractice case.
We're gonna see if you can be fair and unbiased.
And they go to the first lady in the jury box,
and she went right for the hysterics.
She was like, my husband was murdered
by veterinarians and I can never forgive them.
And they were like, okay, ma'am, you are dismissed.
And I was like, oh come on, that's what I was gonna do.
(audience laughing)
And it was my turn and I was ready and I had a story.
I was ready, I'd been thinking.
And they said, ma'am can you be fair and unbiased
in a medical malpractice case?
And I said, no.
And they said, you are dismissed.
And I was like, you don't want to hear the story?
(audience laughing)
And I was like, don't ask any questions, just go, go, go.
So I ran out of there.
I took out my phone, I was gonna take a picture
to send to my boyfriend, to be like, I'm free,
and I saw in my reflection that
I had chocolate all over my face
(audience laughing)
And that's why there were no follow-up questions.
Because they don't want you on the jury
if you look visibly insane.
(upbeat music)