Are you an athletic guy?
Are you good in sports?
Man, I wish I was.
You know, I thought I was going to the NBA when I was a kid,
until I stopped growing.
'Cause I was the tallest kid in class.
What grade were you the tallest kid in class?
Fourth.
Right.
Fourth grade, fourth grade.
The problem is, you probably went around
lording it over people like,
"I'm the tallest guy!"
I swear to you, I did.
I talked a lot of trash.
Me and my brother, my brother was actually
really good at football.
He was like, Varsity, honorable mention, all public.
So I was like, you know I wanna play football,
I'll tell my mom and dad.
They was like, "cool, go ahead!"
And I played little league, right?
And I play for this, it's like 100 pounds.
I don't know if you know how the weight classes go.
But I weight like, 65 pounds.
But in my neighborhood, all we have is the 100 pounds.
So I was like, "I'm gonna play,"
And I was all excited, I got equipment,
My dad was excited for me.
But it just didn't go the way I planned, man.
'Cause I got scared, I don't like contact.
And my dad, like I sat at the bench.
I'm serious, man.
I'm an actor, don't punch me, don't hit me, nothing.
You don't even want someone rubbing up against you?
I don't like contact at all.
My dad got mad.
He would come to every game and make a scene, you know.
'Cause I didn't play, I sat at the bench.
He was yelling at the coach,
"Put my son in the game!"
"Put my son in the damn game!"
"We losing by 30 points, we ain't gonna win."
"I bought all that equipment, I wanna see him get hit!"
Right.
(audience laughing)
That's a good dad, yeah.
It's the truth.
So the coach got tired of hearing him,
He's like, "alright come here."
You know, "I want you to get in the game."
He's like, "I'm gonna do a two sweep though the second hole"
"You get the ball," it's a true story.
And I was like, "coach, I don't know what that is,
'Cause at practice you tell me I don't have to."
He's like, "shut up, get in the game!"
(audience laughing)
I get in the game, he hand me the ball,
I start running, I trip and fall.
I hit my tooth on the back of this guy's cleat,
I start bleeding.
Passed out, right?
You passed out?
'Cause I don't like blood, it was contact.
(laughing)
So, everybody turn around.
I'm gonna tell you how big of a jerk my dad is.
Everybody turn around and looked at my dad and he got mad.
He's like, "what y'all looking at me for?"
"I ain't put him in the game, I know he ain't good."
(Conan laughing)
The coach did, I don't like that.
Distancing himself as much as possible.
Now obviously, you have a good sense of humor
about your height.
Of course.
Does it affect your dating life at all?
Or are women fine?
You know what?
I try to stick to my height, man.
I had one tall girl that I dated,
and I didn't have a good experience with that.
Like, thing about tall women and little guys.
For one, they like to hold hands
and like to cuddle with you.
And I don't mind that.
But we went to the supermarket,
and we had the supermarket using my cereal
as one of the like, middle part in the aisle.
Your cereal? What's your cereal?
I like Frosted Flakes, I'm a big Frosted Flakes eater.
Oh wow, yeah.
I'll just plug that too, better send me some boxes.
I'm a Boo Berry man, myself.
Boo Berry?
Boo Berry.
Boo Berry. I've never heard of it.
You've never heard of Boo Berry?
Wake up, Hart!
C'mon!
But it was on like, it's usually on the middle section.
And this time I came, and they must've switched it up.
They put it on the top.
You know like when you're stretching for something
and you can't get it?
And I went to her, and she's like
"Oh baby, I'll get it."
And she went to grab it.
And I was like, "what are you doing?"
"Don't grab my cereal!"
Like I'm some kinda chump.
Let me climb up and knock it down,
(audience laughing)
Like a real man, know what I'm saying?
It's emasculating, it takes your manhood away.
Let me knock my cereal down,
If I bust a box, I'll pay for that one
And do another one, I just wanna feel big.
Right, right.
But she didn't buy that,
so she picked me up and let me get it.
(audience laughing)
That's not good.
That's not good at all.
That's not good in there.
I'm very honest, I don't mind being honest.
It probably looked cute, when she was holding you up.
You know, it probably did.
But I'ma tell you, this is for women.
Like, I'm so, the cute thing really gets me.
It bugs me.
'Cause that's all I hear.
"Aww! Aww, he's so cute!"
"Oh my god, look at the cutie!"
"Look at his face, aw!"
Eventually, you wanna get mad.
Look girl, I'm a grown man now.
"Oh my god, he gets angry and he's cute!"
They don't buy it.
You probably don't hear that type of stuff, Conan,
'Cause you a big guy.
I hear other stuff.
I'm tall, but I'm, yeah.
I've got no skin color, at all.
I'm sickly looking.
I teeter around on skinny legs.
Trust me, I got a lot of problems of my own.
I guarantee you hear big guy stuff, though.
For instance, if something were to happen with you,
You would never hear stuff that I would hear.
Woman make you feel safe, 'cause you tall.
Conan, whenever you hug me I feel safe.
I feel so secure in your arms.
Never heard that, never heard that!
(audience laughing)
Now I'm feeling worse!
I don't know what the hell you're talking about!
I've never had a woman say to me,
"I feel so safe and secure in your arms."
Never!
They always say to me things like,
"Are you getting enough iron?"
You know?
(audience laughing)
"You okay?
That's what I get.
You're depressing me now, Kevin.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I get it, I get it.
You know what I get?
I get the "Kevin, if something happens in here"
"I think we both should run."
"I think we should just get out of here."
(laughing)
[Conan] I'll pick you up and run.