-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
You are here. You are watching.
Thank you. I appreciate it. [ Cheers and applause ]
Well, guys, I want to say congrats
to the San Francisco 49ers and the Kansas City Chiefs
on advancing to Super Bowl LVIII.
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
That was an amazing game yesterday.
Wow. Yeah, this matchup is a repeat of 2020.
That's why the only thing I'm serving at my
Super Bowl party are sourdough bread and a keg of Purell.
Maybe put a little "Tiger King" on in the background,
I don't know.
Yeah, the 49ers and Chiefs
played each other in the Super Bowl four years ago,
so at least that's one 2020 rematch we're excited about.
But get this.
It's going to be the first-ever Super Bowl in Las Vegas.
Until now, the only Super Bowl in Las Vegas
was the one used to cut Raiders owner Mark Davis' hair.
And that's the only...
That's true.
But there are so many big questions about the Super Bowl.
Can the 49ers contain Patrick Mahomes?
Can the Chiefs stop Christian McCaffrey?
And the one that most people care about --
can Taylor Swift make it there because she has
a concert in Japan the day before?
I know she can. She can do it.
Yeah, you got the Super Bowl and you have Taylor Swift.
Ratings are going to be higher than Snoop Dogg
at a Willie Nelson concert.
Yeah, everyone's really excited about Taylor and the Super Bowl,
especially news anchors.
Watch this.
-Taylor Swift is going to the Super Bowl.
-This will be a Taylor Swift Super Bowl.
-Taylor Swift Super Bowl.
-Super Bowl LVIII (Taylor's Version).
-Some people are already calling it the Swifty Bowl.
-The Super Bowl will be the 13th game Taylor Swift attends,
which is her lucky number.
-It's also February 11th.
That is 13. -2 plus 11.
-And Super Bowl LVIII -- 5 plus 8 -- 13.
-Wow.
[ Laughter ]
-And this is our 97th Taylor story today.
So 9 plus 7 equals 16,
which is the number of tracks on her "Folklore" album.
You know what I'm saying? We planned the whole thing.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Everyone is talking about how Taylor Swift
will be at the Super Bowl, but CBS says that they're going
to keep their attention on football.
Well, they just released their first promo for the game,
and they're clearly focused on the action on the field.
Take a look at this.
-It's Super Bowl LVIII with Patrick Mahomes
and the Kansas City Chiefs taking on Brock Purdy
and the San Francisco 49ers.
-See?
Very professional, very respectful.
And -- Hang on.
I'm being told that they just released another promo.
Well, watch this.
-It's Chiefs versus 49ers,
featuring Mahomes, Kelce, Purdy, McCaffrey,
and who knows who else?
It's Super Bowl LVIII...
♪ But we're feelin' 22 ♪
-Alright, I see what they're doing here,
but I give them credit for still focusing on the game itself.
I mean, they're being very profe-- I'm sorry.
Hold on. I'm being told that there's another promo.
Here it is.
-Listen up, bitches!
It's Chiefs versus who gives a [bleep]
All I wanna know is, will mother make it in from Tokyo on time?!
Will "Tay-Tay" and "Tray-Kay" kiss on the 50-yard line?!
-PDA!
-Will she be in a commercial with the Liberty Emu?!
She is our queen, and we are her simps!
-That's... [ Cheers and applause ]
Come on.
Well, the games were great yesterday.
I don't know if you saw it,
but during the Chiefs-Ravens game,
fans noticed that one of the referees
was really wearing out his voice.
Check this out. This is real.
-[ Voice breaking ] Holding -- offense, number 76.
Taunting -- offense, number 4.
It will be first and 10.
15-yard penalty after the end of the run.
-Yeah, apparently, the Ravens weren't the only ones
who dropped a ball.
They... -Oh! Hey!
Indeed. -Well, switching gears.
People are talking about this.
A jury in former president Trump's defamation trial
has ordered him to pay $83 million in damages.
Yeah, in a related story, a bunch of classified documents
just turned up on eBay.
83 -- 83 million.
Trump is about to go from fake billionaire to fake millionaire.
Speaking of Trump, over the weekend,
he held a rally in Las Vegas, and during his speech,
he went on and on about his cognitive test.
I don't know. It doesn't seem that impressive to me,
but I'll let you be the judge.
Check this out.
-The first couple of questions are easy.
Like, they'll have a lion, a giraffe, a whale, and a shark
and they'll say, "Which one's the lion, okay?"
A chair, a hat, a badge, a necklace, and a vote.
And I say, "Good. What's going on?"
[ Laughter ]
-Right after that, a video interrupted him that said...
-I'm Nikki Haley and I approve this message.
-Yeah. That's -- Oh, I see.
Yeah, that's smart.
Well, listen to this.
I read that the Biden campaign
is planning a first-of-its-kind fundraiser
with President Biden and former presidents Clinton and Obama.
Yeah, three presidents that all had classic lines.
I mean, there was Bill Clinton's...
-We can seize this moment.
-...there was Obama's...
-Yes, we can.
-...and, of course, Joe Biden's...
-I got hairy legs that turn -- that -- that turn, um...
blond in the sun.
-Yeah, that's right.
[ Cymbal crash ] What?!
Get your tickets now, everyone.
Well, get this.
A senator in Oklahoma named Dusty Deevers
has introduced a bill that would make it illegal
to sext anyone other than your spouse.
That's kind of weird.
And his statement was even weirder. First, he said...
Then he said...
And, finally, he said...
Someone take his phone. Take his phone away.
You know what, guys? That's enough about politics.
It's Monday. Let's keep things positive.
It's time for some "Monday Motivations."
[ Peaceful music playing ]
-"Monday Motivations."
-Hey, that Jeremy Allen White underwear ad?
When I saw that, I thought it was you.
When the aliens arrive, they'll be like,
"Take me to Linda.
I hear she's really cool."
At every wedding, someone's like, "Objection!
Why would you do this while Brian's still single?"
Your teeth are so white,
Crest White Strips are like, "Sorry.
There's nothing more we can do here."
When hackers steal your data, they're like,
"Boris, you have to see this.
These are the funniest texts I've ever seen.
I'm laughing out loud."
Hey, that dream you had last night?
It's fascinating.
Everybody wants to hear about it.
When you do face I.D., your phone's like,
"It looks like Margot Robbie is trying to hack your phone."
When you sing "Happy Birthday,"
everyone's like, "Yes, do the harmony."
And, finally, Jacob Elordi slurps your bathwater.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I hope that helped get you ready for the week.
Well, some business news.
Today, Amazon announced that they are abandoning plans
to buy the maker of Roomba.
Apparently, the deal was going great,
then it got stuck under a chair.
Amazon said, "In the end,
we realized there are easier ways to spy on people --
I mean, make money."
Do you guys see this?
Yesterday in Paris, environmental activists
threw soup at the "Mona Lisa."
People were looking at the "Mona Lisa"
and wondering, "Does she like it or not?
I can't tell."
They threw soup. Don't worry.
Now all the statues are wearing ponchos
like they're going to SeaWorld, so it's all right.
Well, finally, I heard about a chain of convenience stores
in Kentucky that are going viral for installing a button
in their bathrooms that start a disco dance party.
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's already getting crazy in there.
The owner said, "I should have changed that stupid lock.
I should have made you leave your key.
And then known for one second you'd be coming here to pee.
We will survive, everybody. We will."
We have a great show tonight.
Our pal James Corden is here tonight.
Rob Gronkowski is joining us.
And we got great music from George Birge.
Stick around.
When we come back, we're talking to James Corden.
Come on back.