Relationships are complicated, and although they bring great joy, they also
bring a lot of challenges. Because they teach us things about ourselves we may not
have known until we were involved in an intimate relationship! One of those
things is codependency.
Codependency is based on a feeling that you cannot be happy without another
person. Most relationships have a small amount of codependency in them sometimes -
not all the time. And this is normal, but when it becomes the only thing you
experience, you can no longer personally grow or thrive or learn about yourself.
It becomes impossible. In movies or on TV shows, you'll see a relationship where
the couple is really close all the time. And that looks sweet, right?
It is a movie after all, but in real life that's scary and that is not normal.
That is codependency. On a psychological level, you're giving your power to another
person to control. Basically, that person limits and controls your ability to grow
and thrive in the area of personal growth that relationships are actually
supposed to do for us. Essentially, you cannot live or exist without your
partner. You need them to validate and reassure who you are. If this sounds like
the relationship you're in, I'm going to give you some warning signs of what to
look for if you're in a codependent relationship and also how it compares to
a healthy relationship so you can validate the differences.
With codependency, you blame someone else (and it's most of the time your partner)
for your unhappiness. I mean let's face it - if you're giving them all the control
to make you happy then if you're not happy, it's their fault, right? Wrong.
This is a codependent relationship. In a healthy relationship, you take ownership over
what makes you personally happy. So, in other words, you understand
that is your choices and your behaviors that determine your happiness or the
meaningfulness of your life. With codependency, you can't live or exist
without the other person. It may sound really romantic - it's not. It's very
unhealthy for your relationship. In a healthy relationship, you're allowed to
develop personally and grow in areas that are interesting to you. This builds
confidence and your ability to be resilient. You don't want to lose your
partner, but if something catastrophic happened and you lost your partner, you
would not fall over. You would be able to stand up and carry on forward.
With codependence, you're more like the parent or a child of your partner. So basically
you become responsible for their care, too. There's a shifting done there -
before you know it. You'll hear, many times, couples nag each other.
They've taken over parenting or controlling the other person's ability
to take care of themselves. This differs from a healthy relationship where each
partner understands they're responsible for their own self-care.
I know what makes me feel good about me. I know my hairstyle. I know my clothing style.
My husband does not have to dictate; he does not have to tell me what
to wear. I am responsible for being me. I enter a relationship as a whole person
hoping to find another whole person. With codependency, you work to control
situations or control things from happening. It's based on a fear of losing
that person. When you're in a codependent relationship and people are really close
together or they're always around each other, it may look sweet but it's
actually based on an intense fear of losing each other.
Because don't forget - when you're in a codependent relationship, you need
that other person in order for your existence. In a healthy relationship
there's a freedom to move. You can go to an event by yourself. You can take a new
course by yourself. You don't need to check in with your partner all the time.
There is a trust established that you're an adult - the whole person.
We can trust each other and come back tonight and talk about how
exciting our days are. This is what feeds a healthy relationship. Having a fear of
losing your partner or worrying about them when they're under duress is normal,
but if it becomes so incredibly uncomfortable and you feel an intense
fear that they're moving away from you, that is not normal and that's a sign of
codependency. If you're concerned that you may be in a codependent relationship,
it's a good idea to go on a marriage retreat or go to a counselor. Many times,
counselors have homework, and they can give that homework to you as a couple,
which can help stabilize your relationship. The hallmark of a healthy
relationship is that two individual whole people can go out and each know that
they can invest and participate in the things that are going to make their
lives meaningful. You begin refueling your relationship and your love for each
other by your interests in life itself.
Remember - change your reaction, change your world.