-Thank you.
People in New York will tell you stuff about yourself
you didn't even know.
Like I just found out I have a lost face.
Whenever I walk in stores, people are like, "Are you lost?"
[ Laughter ]
"Can I help you?"
Like, maybe I've been here before.
Maybe I can find my aisle.
Give me a chance.
[ Laughter ]
Maybe I know how to read.
I go to clubs, bouncers always do too much.
They always like, "You know I got to check your I.D."
[ Laughter ]
You don't have to do all that. I'm born in the '80s.
Once you see that 8, give me my I.D. back.
I don't care if it's birth date, issue date, death date,
I'm supposed to be here.
I'm TSA pre-check.
I shouldn't have to go through this.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
I didn't always do comedy.
I used to work at a chicken restaurant...
at the airport.
A lot of people complain about their commute to work,
but those people don't have to go through TSA
to get to a kitchen.
[ Laughter ]
I don't know if you ever looked
in the back of a fast food restaurant,
but there are no chairs back there.
My friends used to complain about their jobs,
and they used to be like, "Man, I just want to do what I love,"
and I used to be like, "I just want to sit down."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
I had an interview after that.
They were like, "Sir, have a seat."
I was like, "I'm so happy to be here."
[ Laughter ] "Thank you so much."
Working there, they would only hire people
to work the cash register who were bilingual,
whether they could speak English or not.
[ Laughter ]
Just on the chance that somebody only spoke Romanian
and needed a chicken biscuit.
So they would be calling back orders to me,
I wouldn't understand what they were saying.
They'd be like,
"Yes, I need a bacon, egg, and cheese on biscuit."
And I'd be like,
"I'ma just give you the sandwich I was working on
and hopefully..."
[ Cheers and applause ]
"Hopefully their flight leaves soon."
[ Laughter ]
I can't get in trouble if they complain in another country.
I can't get in trouble.
They complain in the sky.
I'm pro bullying.
[ Laughter ]
I went through it.
I feel like other people should have to go through it.
[ Laughter ]
I didn't just get bullied at school.
I got bullied at church.
[ Audience aws ]
Family outings.
I'm the only person I know that got bullied in college.
I was well-rounded, but well bullied.
[ Laughter ]
I remember one time when I was a kid,
these kids took my birthday cards out of my mailbox
and ripped up the checks that I got for my birthday
and put them in front of my house.
I remember thinking, "Man, they remembered my birthday."
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
I feel like a way of adult bullying
is people keep asking me, "How old are you?"
[ Laughter ]
Like, I don't have to answer that question.
I'm grown.
Sometimes people try to guess my age.
They always guess an age that's too young.
They're always like, "Are you 12?"
I'm like, "No, I'm not 12.
You don't know any 12-year-olds that act like this.
I have too much swag to be 12."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Everywhere I go, people want to talk about politics.
People in waiting rooms, people in bars, people in Ubers.
Like, these people are extras in the movie that is my life.
[ Laughter ]
But they feel like they have speaking parts.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
I don't need to hear what you got to say.
You're not in the credits.
[ Laughter ]
I feel like part of the problem is
we're too focused on the big issues.
Maybe we should start with a small issue we can solve
and work our way up to the big issues.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Like, here's a small issue.
Are we chipping, or are we swiping?
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
I feel like we've done a great job
of distributing the chip card.
I feel like everybody has a computer chip on their card.
It's supposed to keep you safe.
You know, bad guys, they don't know about computer chips yet.
[ Laughter ]
Then you get to the register, and they're like,
"I'm sorry, sir, we're swiping today."
Then the next time you try to swipe,
they're like, "Whoa, whoa, put the chip in!
You'll blow this whole place up if you don't put that chip in!"
[ Cheers and applause ]
"I'ma lose my job if one more person swipes!"
Thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪♪♪
-Blowing the whole place up.
Rob Haze!
For more on Rob, visit robhaze.com.