[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
What up?
Yo, it's your boys.
We are recording from our respective homes.
Coming to you live from the bitch.
You know the fucking vibe.
That's right.
Your boys out here in the cul-de-sac, enjoying life.
That's right.
Its fruits.
You know what I'm saying?
Even though we not home, we still bringing that same vibe,
that same vision, that same sucio, yo.
You know what I'm saying?
Pow-pow-pow-pow.
It's pressing times.
So the streets were like, Desus and Mero,
we need you to lead us.
So that's why we are back. [INTERPOSING VOICES]
We give y'all this.
You know what I'm saying?
Giving you a double podcasts of cartoon.
The show on Showtime, bro.
We out here, bro.
Providing content.
Unlike that coward, Captain Planet,
we have not abandoned you.
We are staying here.
OK?
We are holding you down.
(SINGING) Desus and Mero, they some heroes.
From our respective very nice homes.
No, absolutely not.
Oh-- nah.
I just do--
I just-- I'm just doing this show and, you know,
dressed from the waist up only.
But no, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Yeah, no, I'm not.
Nah, because I've realized that if I just
put a towel on my computer chair,
it's a lot more absorbent than, you know,
having my ass sweat through two pairs of pants.
No, in this time off, I've taught
myself three new languages.
I've been doing yoga.
I've been making bread.
I've raised pigeons.
And--
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
I'm lying.
You know what I've done?
This is the biggest achievement I've done.
I adjusted the sensitivity on my controller for "Call of Duty,"
and it has made a big difference.
Yo, huge difference.
Huge difference.
You don't even realize.
That's why all these little wing dings got this--
But it's not fun, because then I'm playing "Call of Duty,"
and I'm like, yeah, take that.
And they're like, Desus?
When's the show coming back?
I'm like, not right now.
Not right now. Come on.
Capture the flag.
Come on.
You're almost there!
Come on.
Focus.
I'm like Pat Riley.
I'm like, come on.
Get your head in the game.
Come on!
Come on, Tyler!
I'm 14.
I'm being homeschooled.
Leave me alone.
My mom gave me a 20-minute break.
She said I have to do my math after this.
Fuck yeah!
"Tiger King!"
Joe Exotic.
There was this big debate about who
should play Tiger King in the, like, "Tiger King," like,
documentary, I guess.
You know what I'm saying?
And I believe that it should be David Spade.
I could see that.
Why not him?
Why can't he play himself?
He play himself?
I don't know.
He's a little-- he's like-- he's too on the nose.
He's too him.
He would-- he would be the best person
to play himself, because, like, he'd be very authentic--
listen.
He's taken some weird choices in life,
and mostly I'm gonna start with that mullet.
Like-- - Yo.
It was never a good look.
Fair.
But I'll let you know early in the game
that he was with the shits.
And shout to him being an ally.
We stand.
A gender-fluid king, you know what I'm saying?
He's with the dack and the puss.
You know what I mean?
He's LGBTQIA.
Eh!
When we say, gotta hear both sides, he heard both sides.
He enjoyed both sides.
Especially if it was Gertie.
Yeah.
And his first spouse has three teeth.
You know what I'm saying?
Not anymore.
He got the bag now, and he got a fresh set.
Oh, he got veneers? Oooh.
He got the full row now.
Yeah, he leveled up.
Listen.
That's how you do it, you know?
Netflix dropped a bag on him.
You ride the tiger, and then you get some teeth,
if you know what I'm saying.
No, I don't recommend--
I don't recommend anything on Netflix.
Only watch shows on Showtime.
That's right.
If this was on Showtime, I would recommend it.
But since it's not, I do not recommend it.
But I will say this.
As a person of color, it is refreshing to see a show
that it is a messy, trash-TV, full of maniacal characters,
and none of them are people of color.
Make some noise.
Make some motherfucking noise, y'all.
You know what I'm saying? It's beautiful.
Shout-out to Showtime.
Y'all were showing "Boyz n the Hood" the other night.
Like, what was going on over there?
Classics.
Like, somebody was high.
He was like, yo, I wanna see that shit.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
Yo, every night, show a trashy black movie.
Show-- I wanna see "Belly." I wanna see Menace II Society.
I wanna see "Just Another Girl on the IRT."
Yo.
Baby Boy!
Exactly.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't get BET involved.
Viacom CBS.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
BET gonna be like, whoa, brother.
You gotta get your own.
I want my quarters back.
Yo.
Polit goss.
Polit goss, polit goss, polit goss.
Yeah, let's get it out the way.
Is it about Mayor Pete's weak beard?
OK.
What's going on today?
Oh, yeah.
Shout out to the homie Mara Gay, "People are
selling I heart Andrew shirts.
As in Andrew Cuomo."
Look at the low-quality on the shirt.
That's the type of person that buys these shirts.
Low-quality.
Yo, this should have been in Comic Sans.
They would have hit different.
I heart An-- wow.
Come on, man.
I heart-- I heart stop and frisk.
Andrew's not even a cool--
Andrew's not even a sexy name.
Imagine you're having sex with someone,
and you're like, oh my god, Andrew.
Like, that's not--
No!
That's not hot.
Andrew, throw my back out.
Like, no, that sounds like something
from "The Bronx Tale."
Let's get that out of here.
That was sexy in the '50s.
No matter how you spin it, it's not sexy.
Oh my god, Andy.
Oh my god, Drew.
Like, it's not-- doesn't work.
Drew is better.
Drew is Barry, because then you're
thinking-- you're like, Drew-- and then
you think of Drew Carey.
And then you're like, Cleveland rocks?
And you're like, all right. That works.
And then I think of Mimi, and I get aroused.
I mean, listen--
It's just this place.
I feel like, if a guy talks--
it's like when-- try it with Obama.
Obama's a handsome guy, but, like, you know what I'm saying?
Like, I don't know that he would just, like, kill it at, like,
an open bar.
You know what I mean?
But like, it's the same thing with Cuomo.
I think-- well, Obama's much more handsome than Cuomo.
Maybe that was a--
I misspoke.
But, like, he looks like a fucking Italian uncle--
he looks like fucking Chuck Zito.
Like, how is it hot?
You know what it is?
Like, when you have, like, a home girl,
and she's, like, attracted to a trash guy.
And you keep warning her.
She's like, I love him. He's nice, though.
He's nice, though.
You gotta sit back and watch this.
You already know Andrew Cuomo is going to be crappy.
He's not going to answer her texts.
He's going to, like, post up with some other girl.
You know he's gonna be doing shitty shit.
But if she wants to be in love with Andrew Cuomo, go ahead.
Andrew Cuomo is clearly a character
from "Sex in the City."
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
Let's keep it 1,000% funky.
He dated-- but he didn't date Carrie.
He dated Miranda.
And she broke him off, because he was, like,
flaky or some shit like that.
Andrew Cuomo is a--
Hot take.
Andrew Cuomo is a rebound boyfriend.
You know what I'm saying?
We're all-- everybody's like, oh my god!
Corona!
And everybody is home alone.
A lot of relationships are being shattered by this pandemic.
And everybody's horny.
You know, if I look at my Twitter timeline,
everybody is horny as shit.
I'm like, yo.
When did you all get so fucking horny?
Does 12 hours alone in your house
make you uncontrollably horny?
Well, I mean, we've been on quarantine for, like-- well,
first of all, no one knows exactly how
long we've been on quarantine, but it
feels like one long-ass day.
So I kind of get why everyone's horny.
Because the other day, I was watching something on Disney
Plus, and I was like, yo, wow.
Ariel got the yeeks.
I was like, yo, you know what?
That Belle is kind of hot.
You know what I'm saying?
She's pretty, but remember that whole scene
where she's walking through the town square.
And she's, like, kind of cooking everybody?
Where she's like, look at the bread maker, making
his weak-ass bread every day.
I can't wait-- I can't wait to leave here.
She was treating-- she was treating the town she lived in
like everyone treats the Midwest when they know they're
going to move to New York.
Like, oh, cool.
Wow. Oh, wow.
Look.
State fair.
You made a bust of butter.
Wow.
Great.
Can't wait until I'm in a bar on Christopher Street
and I can forget about all this shit.
I hate you ma.
Oh, your pie won a ribbon?
Whoa.
I'm going to New York to do heroin.
Royal goss, royal goss, royal goss, royal goss.
Prince Harry, Meghan Markle, and Baby Archie Move
Permanently to Los Angeles.
I like how they put Baby Archie as if he had a choice.
Like, he had to sit down, like, yo, Baby Archie.
How do you feel about this move?
(IN BRITISH ACCENT) Oh, you know, I like to stay--
I like to stay where I'm at in Canada, love.
I would like to say, [gibberish].
Oh--
Very insightful.
Can he still go by-- can he still go by Prince Harry,
or did they take that away?
I was literally about to say that.
But Meghan Markle can't go by bad bitch
Meghan Markle of Wales, or whatever her name was?
Duchess of whatever the fuck?
Yorkville?
Sussex?
Why'd I say Yorkville?
Is Yorkville a thing?
I think that's the Peppermint Patty.
It's round.
When you bite it, you get a sensation.
A sensation?
Like, ah!
Like you're skiing.
Those commercials were the worst.
Like you're on top of the world.
Yeah.
It's like, yo, if I bite into one of this,
my life will be better.
It's like, no, it won't.
We just showed our age, because I
don't think they've advertised it in, like, 20 years.
You have not seen--
you have not seen a Peppermint Patty commercial on TV
since like, 1989.
All right?
They were like, listen--
listen.
This and Combos, we don't gotta advertise it.
If you're a scumbag, you'll find it.
Yo, you'll find it.
The official-- that's the three official
snacks of scumbags-- combos, York Peppermint Patties,
and, uh--
what's the-- the coconut bars?
Not Almond Joy.
The other ones.
Mounds?
Mounds.
Yeah.
Even-- when you buy it--
it's more embarrassing to buy Mounds
than it is to buy condoms when you go to a gas station.
Yes.
Because the guy judges you.
At least with the condoms he's like,
ah, you getting something.
You get that Mounds, they're like, get out my store.
You disgust me. - Get out of here.
This shit's been here for--
I've had this same box of Mounds for two years.
You get out. You get out.
I don't like you people.
Get out of here, you Mounds American.
- Yes. - Yeah.
Because it's a bad-- it's a terrible candy.
Nobody likes Mounds.
Yo, but like, when I go trick or treating, and if you put Mounds
in my kid's basket, I'm--
I'm going to throw that shit right your face.
Immediately.
If you look at it, all Mounds--
all Mounds is, is solid coconut oil, with chocolate on it.
- Yeah. - So like, why--
Dark chocolate, too. It's--
- It's disgusting. - It's not even, like, sweet.
There's no sweetness to it.
No. Almond Joy has--
I think Almond Joy has the nuts.
Because sometimes you want to feel like a nut.
- Remember? - Sometimes you don't.
Another-- another washed commercial where they don't--
sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't.
You know what I'm saying? you can't even--
Listen to the jingle.
Yo, you can't even do that nowadays.
Listen to this jingle, bro.
If you do that now, everybody's gonna be like, yo!
Yo.
Oh, word?
Oh, yo, you feel like a nut?
Ha ha.
Yo, they talking about nuts over here.
Somebody suck that baby's nut.
[LAUGHTER]
Listen.
[JEREMY RENNER SINGING]
DESUS: I gotta tell you!
Actually-- actually, it's never the wrong one.
It's never inappropriate.
Somebody suck that baby's dick!
Somebody suck that baby's--
Somebody--
It still hits, even though we're not in the studio.
Suck that baby's dick!
Somebody suck that baby's--
We're laughing at this shit, but
this is going to be all of us on day one of quarantine ban lift.
You know what I'm saying?
Everybody's gonna be screaming obscenities.
Yo, right now, there's someone probably quarantined with Cuba
Gooding, Jr. Imagine that.
Wow.
Imagine all the people.
Quarantined--
Sucking on that baby's dick.
Oh, god!
I would love to see Cuba--
I want to see Cuba's list of supplies,
because I don't think most of it is food.
No.
It's just, like, empty bucket of chicken,
various bottles of alcohol.
Baby dick.
Allegedly.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, Cuba.
Let's start the show!
Oh, shit.
Let's do it.