I moved out to Langley recently with a plain and simple dream
Want to infiltrate some third world place and topple their regime
Those men in black with their matching suitcases where everything’s on a need to know basis
Agents got that swagger Everyone’s so cloak and dagger
I’m feeling nervous but I’m really kinda wishing for an undercover mission
That’s when the red alert came on the radio and I put my ear piece on
Got my dark sunglasses on and I had my weapon drawn
So I get my handcuffs, my cyanide pills, my classified dossier
Tapping the phones like yeah shredding the files like yeah
I memorized all the enemy spies I gotta neutralize today
Yeah, it’s a party in the CIA
What youl wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers Wastin’ time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin’ at Hewlett-Packard? Workin’ at a desk with a dumb little placard?
Yeah, payin’ the bills with my mad programming skills Defraggin’ my hard drive for thrills
I got me a hundred gigabytes of RAM I never feed trolls and I don’t read spam
Installed a T1 line in my house Always at my PC, double-clickin’ on my mizouse
Upgrade my system at least twice a day I’m strictly plug-and-play, I ain’t afraid of Y2K
I’m down with Bill Gates, I call him “Money” for short I phone him up at home and I make him do my tech support
It’s all about the Pentiums, what?
You gotta be the dumbest newbie I’ve ever seen You’ve got white-out all over your screen
You think your Commodore 64 is really neato What kinda chip you got in there, a Dorito?
You’re using a 286? Don’t make me laugh Your Windows boots up in what, a day and a half?
You could back up your whole hard drive on a floppy diskette You’re the biggest joke on the internet
Your database is a disaster You’re waxin’ your modem tryin’ to make it go faster
Hey fella, I bet you’re still livin’ in your parents’ cellar Downloadin’ pictures of Sarah Michelle Gellar
And postin “Me too!” like some brain-dead AOL-er I should do the world a favor and cap you like Old Yeller
You’re just about as useless as jpegs to Helen Keller
First things first, I’m a craftsman Remodelling is my only passion
And I’m the greatest in the business. Want referrals? Yo, my clientèle will bear you witness
I can help when your door jamb sticks There is nothing in the world I can’t fix
I do tiles, I do stone, I do bricks Call me, I’ll come rushing over with my bag of tricks
Where you go when your disposal is rusted? Termite problem makin’ you disgusted
When your front window is busted? Just one name that’s always trusted
I’m so handey, you already know I’ll fix your plumbing when your toilets overflow
I’m so handey, I’ll bring you up to code When your dishwasher’s ’bout to ’splode
Betty and Barney got a baby named Bamm-Bamm Little Pebbles is his number one fan
He’s the strongest toddler in the whole land Tear your arm off if he shake-es your hand
Got a car, gonna push it with my feet now Gonna take my family out to eat now
Jumbo ribs at the drive-in can’t be beat now Made from brontosaurus baby, not moo-cow
Wanna chill with a sabre-toothed tiger Wear a loincloth, natural fiber
Be the first Rolling Stone subscriber Got a pterodactyl for a windshield wiper
Yabba dabba, Yabba dabba dabba do now
Don’t know what it means but I say it anyhow
Wilma—I’m home! Start serving dinner and don’t spare the spare ribs.
Oh no, no, now down Dino, down. Now take it easy boy.
Ridin’ in a bus down the boulevard and the place was pretty packed
Couldn’t find a seat, so I had to stand with the perverts in the back
It was smellin’ like a locker room, there was junk all over the floor
We’re already packed in like sardines, but we’re stoppin’ to pick up more
Look out!
Another one rides the bus
And another comes on, and another comes on Another one rides the bus
Hey! He’s gonna sit by you Another one rides the bus
Poor Peter Parker was pitiful Couldn’t have been any shyer
Mary Jane still wouldn’t notice him even if his hair was on fire
But then one day he went to that science lab That mutated spider came down
Oh, and now Peter crawls over everyone’s walls And he’s swingin’ all over town
La li la, li de da La la, li le la da dom
Sling us a web, you’re the Spider-Man Sling us a web tonight
’Cause we’re all in the mood for a hero now And we think that you’ll do all right
Gump sat alone on a bench in the park “My name is Forrest,” he’d casually remark
Waitin’ for the bus with his hands in his pockets He just kept sayin’ life is like a box of chocolates
He’s Gump, he’s Gump What’s in his head?
He’s Gump, he’s Gump, he’s Gump Is he in-bred?
Gump was a big celebrity He told JFK that he really had to pee
He never feels too dumb because his mom always told him stupid is as stupid does
He’s Gump, he’s Gump He’s not too bright
He’s Gump, he’s Gump, he’s Gump But he’s alright
Alright!
Whoa, oh, oh Whoa
I’m waking up in Cheeto dust My belly’s covered with pizza crust
I’m using my inhaler now ...
I’m out of shape, fattening up I’m sipping Coke from a Solo cup
Donut crumbs are upon my lips Whoa
This couch is part of me I’m growing cobwebs on my knee
Never move from this place, move from this place I’ll stay here in this place, right in this place
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh. Whoa, oh, oh, oh I’m really inactive, just so inactive
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh. Whoa, oh, oh, oh I’m really inactive, not so attractive
Yeah
A used pink bathrobe A rare mint snow globe
A Smurf TV tray I bought on ebay
My house is filled with this crap Shows up in bubble wrap
’most every day What I bought on ebay
Tell me why
I bid on Shatner’s old toupee They had it on ebay
I’ll buy your knick-knack Just check my feedback
“A++!” they all say They love me on ebay
Gonna buy
Gonna buy some Beanie Babies, new with tag
from some guy I’ve never met in Norway Found him on ebay
What I bought on ebay
Don’t wanna be a Canadian idiot Don’t wanna be some beer swillin’ hockey nut
Sure I look like some frostbitten hose-head? I never learned my alphabet from A to Zed
They all live on donuts and moose meat and they leave the house without packin’ heat
Never even bring their guns to the mall
And you know what else is too funny? Their stupid Monopoly money
Can’t take ’em seriously at all
Well maple syrup and snow’s what they export They treat curling just like it’s a “real sport”
They think their silly accent is so cute Can’t understand a thing they’re talkin’ aboot
Sure they got their national health care, cheaper meds, low crime rates and clean air
Then again well they got Celine Dion
Eat their weight in Kraft macaroni And dream of drivin’ a Zamboni
all over Saskatchewan
Don’t wanna be a Canadian idiot Won’t figure out their temperature in Celsius
See the map, they’re hoverin’ right over us Tell you the truth, it makes me kinda nervous
Always hear the same kind of story Break their nose and they’ll just say “sorry”
Tell me what kind of freaks are that polite?
It’s gotta mean they’re all up to somethin’ So quick, before they see it comin’
Time for a pre-emptive strike!