Transcriber: Javier Calero Guillen Reviewer: Mujtaba bakhet
Why be angry? What if we knew how to resolve our disagreements with
the one we love in just minutes? No fuss, no drama.
Can you imagine the possibilities?
Would we all be happier? Will more couples stay together?
Would the divorce rate drop?
Could we decrease the number of kids growing up in single parent homes?
Would that reduce teenage pregnancies and high school dropout rates?
Could we cut back on teenage drug abuse, gang affiliation, incarceration,
homelessness, maybe even the need of some social services for minors?
If we are resolving our disagreements, no fuss, no drama.
Are the kids watching?
Will they learn by example and carry this into their relationships
on the playground and into adulthood?
If everybody’s going to be
Happy at home now,
does that mean our managers and supervisors
might come to work happier?
Would our coworkers come in happier?
Would we show up happier?
What would that do for work morale
and productivity in America and around the world?
Why be angry?
Over the last couple of years,
I have traveled coast to coast
recording couples playing a simple game.
What if I told you that I have recorded issues and disagreements
that have lasted for longer than ten years,
20 years, 40 years,
even almost 60 years being resolved
on average in less than 26 minutes.
No fuss, no drama.
26 minutes. Do you have 26 minutes to resolve yours?
Why be angry?
There are a few ground rules, but this is how it works.
The couple will start by agreeing to focus on that single issue
and reducing that issue into a simple yes or no question.
Let’s use the most common issue I have recorded.
Should she initiate sex more often? Yes or no?
He will start by writing down the details to support his,
Yes of course, position on this issue,
while at the same time she’s writing down all the reasons and,
all the details to support her. Oh, no position.
Once all the details are on paper.
Now it’s time to talk.
Now, they've probably had a conversation about this before, maybe even several.
But this time. This time is different. Using the details they have just written.
This time they will focus on this issue
by focusing on the details of the issue,
one detail at a time.
She might start by reading to him one of her details,
starting with her most important detail.
Now the next two steps.
They are crucial.
Having heard her most important detail, one without debating,
he will repeat back to her what he believes she means in his own words.
Two, he will then ask, Is that right?
So he might say.
So what you're saying to me is you would like to be romanced into initiating
sex more often with more foot rubbing shoulder and neck massaging for me.
Is that right?
If this is what she means, she will say yes.
I believe this allows her to feel heard and now she can hear him When he responds
and when he responds, he can respond to what she actually means,
not something he thinks she means because of all
the stuff he has in his head.
He might respond like this.
Honey, you want to be romanced into initiating sex with more foot rubbing
and shoulder neck massaging for me? Baby, I can do that.
But from my perspective, that is still me initiating sex.
Yeah.
They will continue to focus on this detail,
and the remaining details,
one detail at a time;
until the issue is resolved.
This will absolutely work.
Processing the detail in writing slows communication,
giving them both time to think and respond thoughtfully.
This approach is much more effective than
the quick emotional response that often happens in disagreements.
Why be angry?
Using this approach, I was able to help my parents
resolve the same argument they’ve been having all of my life.
My mom has a TV in almost every room,
and when the TV or cable goes down in any room, she wants it fixed.
Today, this enrages my dad.
You grew up with eight people in the house and one TV.
Why now, do you need a TV in every room?
My mom would respond.
I don't spend any darn money. All I have is my TV.
Will they agree to sit down and play?
I made them aware that the relationship has to win or they both lose.
Just a few minutes later. Problem solved. Even I couldn't believe it this time.
I know these people.
But it’s always.
In amazement. I ask. Why?
After so many years.
Were you able to resolve this in just a few minutes?
My mom says, well, we talked about it.
But how would you talk about it before mom says?
No, we just argued about it.
It was eight months after recording my parents resolving this 57 year long issue.
That I realized of all the couples I had recorded, not one person,
not one had written profanity or even an exclamation mark
on paper that was no yelling or cussing on paper.
So my dads, you grew up with eight people in the house and one TV.
Why now? Do you need a TV in every room?
Well, that just simply became,
You grew up with 8 people in the house, and one TV.
Why do you need a TV in every room?
Which was only a question that allowed my mom to think.
And my mom’s for her.
I don’t spend any darn money. All I have is my TV.
That, that became.
I don't spend any money. All I have is my TV,
which garnered more compassion from my dad.
No one was attacking.
No one was defensive. Finally, they were able to hear each other.
Finally, they both felt heard.
You can resolve most any disagreement with the one you love in just minutes.
No fuss, no drama.
Imagine the possibilities. Why be angry?
Thank you.