Jim, we have something to talk about right away,
which is two weeks ago. Yeah.
You're supposed to appear on the show.
But I didn't. And you did not.
At the last second, I mean literally, within like
I think two and a half, three hours of us taping the show.
It was about three hours, but I couldn't come to the show.
I had some issues. You had some issues
and that never happens, you know.
(Jim laughs) No seriously, you're a pro.
No, I would have come if I could have come
and actually that leads me into this story a lot better.
'Cause yeah, I heard there was a medical thing
and I was like, oh my God what happened?
There was a medical issue.
OK, so the morning before I want meant to be on your show,
the night before I was meant to be on your show
I was masturbating. (audience laughing)
And when I ejac-- Wait a minute, hold it.
All the guests do that. Yeah, yeah.
When I ejaculated, blood came out and I thought, hmm.
That's not good, right? (audience laughing)
And then I-- Wait a minute.
Just hold on a second, you can't just launch into this.
(audience laughing) Just blood shot out.
This is horrifying, what do you mean?
Like I was Jackson Pollock painting something.
It was just blood, blood just shot out
of the end of my penis and I remember being concerned,
but I had to get up early in the morning to do my show,
so I was like, I'd better sleep.
Stressful sleep, right?
But then when you wake up in the morning you think, just,
I have to check if this is going to happen again
so I had another wank. (audience laughing)
You had another wank, as you call it?
That's a hard one to get aroused for
knowing that you might have blood coming out
of the end of your dick, right?
So I did it again, blood again Conan.
Twice, right?
And then over the course of the day
before I was meant to be on the show
one of my testicles swelled up
into the size of a grapefruit and I thought,
best that I don't do Conan's show.
'Cause I couldn't walk.
Like, do you ever use those space hoppers?
That blow-up balloon that you hold with two ears
when you were a kid. Yeah.
That's how I looked, but I only had one ear
to hold on to. (audience laughing)
So you had had an inflated testicle.
Inflated's a nice word.
An infested testicle. Oh.
And so I went to the doctor's, and the doctor said
that I probably had an STD, which I thought was weird
because I hadn't had sex with anyone for weeks.
And so I did a few tests.
Now over the course of the last two weeks
I've had four doctors' fingers in my ass, right?
Not at once, individually. (audience laughing)
Individually over several different days.
Uh-huh.
And it turned out that I just had a prostate infection,
but they thought it might be cancer,
so I was very stressed out. Oh, so you're fine now.
Well no, my testicle's still a little larger
than it should be.
I've never been fine, you know?
I mean like, this whole area looks damaged, right?
(audience laughing)
I also with the finger...
What do you mean, it looks damaged?
I mean... I had hemorrhoid surgery
about, I'm telling too much here, but why not?
(audience laughing) I had hemorrhoid surgery
about a year and a half ago and they put me,
I had to have like 20 stitches up my colon
so what they did was the put me
on like a pyramid pillow like that so my ass was in the air
and the cut a sheet out and then they put my face.
This is a separate thing, by the way.
(audience laughing) Then they put my,
they put my face into like a massage hole
and that's one of the times that you don't want to be famous
right, when someone's about to put stitches in your colon
and just as the anesthetist put the mask on me,
as I was passing out one of the nurses looked down
at my face and went, "My brother's a big fan of yours."
And just. (Conan and audience laughing)
Now what are the chances that she doesn't go back
to her brother and go I was looking at Jim Jefferies' colon.
Pretty shoddy job. Yeah.
OK, so the important thing is you're OK now.
Allegedly, I'm waiting on more--
Are you taking care of yourself?
I mean, why is this all happening to you?
I'm on like three courses of antibiotics
and the testicle's going down and I have no STDs.
I'm like, so clean. (audience cheers and claps)
(Conan clapping) If anybody, in fact,
I'm on so many antibiotics right now
if you have an STD I think I can have sex with you
and kill it. (Conan and audience laughing)
Just touching me. This is your great line
when you go to a bar, it's a great pick-up line.
I can cure you.
You know, I've been worried about you because this is...
(Jim laughing) Yeah.
I'm the Marie Curie of the clap.
(Conan and audience laughing)