Let her hear it!
[cheers and applause]
- So I'm gonna tell you guys a story about Burning Man.
So I went to Burning Man this past year.
I was skeptical about it because I've heard that
it's kind of lame now, a lot of tech people,
but it's actually really cool.
There's a lot of neat stuff you can do there.
You can dance all night.
You can see really cool art,
or you can have an unplanned pregnancy scare.
So I went out there and I ran into this guy
that I know from home.
He's actually one of my roommates,
and, uh...
You know when you run into somebody at Burning Man,
like, you basically have to fuck them.
Um, but there's not a great place
to have sex at Burning Man.
Like, we were like, "Oh, where are we gonna do this?"
You know, 'cause my tent was, like, covered in dust
and glitter,
and in his camp they're having
a nonviolent communication circus arts workshop.
So we decided on the orgy tent.
Um, we go there, we wait in line for a while,
um, and I see the wheels in my friend's head turning,
you know, 'cause he's, like, 24 and I can tell that he's, like,
picturing this whole scenario of a bunch of, like,
porn-looking ladies being like, "I'm bisexual,
but mostly I just love your dick,"
and, uh,
I knew it was gonna be
a lot more "Ren Faire" than that.
We walk in there, the first thing we see
is this giant, like, bear-looking guy.
He's wearing a leather utility kilt and...
he is fisting a woman.
He's barking like a dog.
He's just like... [imitates dog]
My friend looks at this whole scenario and he's like,
"I don't even know if I can do this with you here, Kate.
It's too weird."
And I was like, "You got to stop whining and put out."
Uh...
Like, just to be clear,
I don't think that anybody's entitled to sex with anybody,
but at the same time,
we did wait in line for half an hour.
So we go in there,
we, like, look around,
we find a spot on a mat and we start having sex
and pretty immediately, I can tell that it's
some of the worst sex that I've ever had in my life.
Like, so bad.
He's just talking to me, like, the whole time
in that super, like, porn-tastic way.
He's like, "I'm gonna make you cum.
I'm gonna make you cum so hard."
And I'm just like, "Uh, yeah, buddy,
whenever you want."
[laughter and applause]
He was fucking me like he did not know
that I was a stand-up comedian.
As a quick little side note, he knows now.
[laughter]
So then a few minutes go by and he finishes,
and I also finish, but not 'cause he was good at it.
Just 'cause I'm a feminist and...
He says to me, "Oh, Kate,
"I got to tell you something.
It is gonna be a real bummer."
He's like, "The condom broke,"
and I was like, "Oh, shit."
Like, that is a huge bummer
because I definitely cannot have a kid with this guy.
Like, no way.
No matter how many crystals he sells
in the spiritual bookstore,
we are not gonna be able to pull it together
to support a fam, and...
But I'm thinking, like, okay, this'll be all right.
Like, it won't come to that, you know?
Of course they have Plan B at Burning Man.
Like, does Burning Man seem like a place
that a lot of people have a plan A?
And then I just decided for myself, like,
I'm gonna handle this situation
like the mature, adult woman that I am.
So I just put on my tutu
and got on my bicycle.
Um, I ride to the medical tent
and I get there,
and there's just, like, dehydrated hippies everywhere
and the lady at the desk, the triage nurse,
she has, like, purple hair and I go up to her
and I was like, "Hey, excuse me, do you have any Plan B?"
She's like, "I'm so sorry to tell you this,
"but we actually don't have Plan B
"because this is only an emergency medical clinic
and this isn't technically considered an emergency."
I'm like, "Oh, lady,
"we have a huge misunderstanding.
"It's an emergency that I don't have a kid with this guy.
"Emergency.
"To put it in perspective for you, before we had sex,
"I had to loan him my hair scrunchie
"so that he could pull back his man bun.
Uh, emergency."
She's like,
"There is this woman back at my camp
who has a spell."
[laughter]
So then I just started crying
and she's like, "Okay, okay, here's another thing.
"Um, you could go up to one of the rangers
"and see if there are any feminist camps
"that are giving out, like, tampons or birth control.
Maybe they would have Plan B."
So I--I leave and I walk around until I see a ranger,
and I was like, "Excuse me, sir,
"do you happen to know
"of any feminist camps that are giving out tampons
or birth control, or especially Plan B?"
And he's like, "Oh, I'm really sorry, sweetheart.
I don't know about a lot of that lady stuff."
So I was, like, "Okay,
"well, I guess that's understandable,
"um, just to break it down for you,
"the basics of what's going on here is
"that I am ovulating
"and I am full of semen
and we have got to turn this ship around."
[laughter]
He's like, "Oh, I think I understand what you need.
"You know who might be able to help you out,
is Camp Beaverton, the lesbian camp."
[laughter]
I was like, "I don't think these lesbians
"are gonna have birth control.
Like, they are birth control."
So I go back to my own camp, and then this amazing thing happens.
There's this woman there.
She's bisexual, but the night before,
she had tripped on acid, and on her acid trip
she decided that she only wanted to be intimate with women
from now on for the rest of the year.
So she gave me her entire
unopened packet of birth control for the month,
and then I just took it and I ate the entire thing...
[laughter]
Which was plan C!
I'm not a mom, you guys.
All right, thank you so much.
- Kate Willett, everybody!