>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
GIVE IT UP FOR LOUIS CATO AND "THE LATE SHOW" BAND.
FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME IN THE NEWS WORKSHOP,
SOURCING THE DAY'S FINEST STORY TWEED, WHICH I ADORN WITH
THE MOST TOPICAL VINTAGE-INSPIRED BRAIDED TRIM,
THEN I FILL WITH 90% WHITE GOOSE DOWN CLUSTER TO CREATE
FOR YOU THE MODERN YET TIMELESS MONCLER LIGHT BEIGE AGROBATE
DOWN COAT THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES,
JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I STRAP ON THE SHREDDED AWNING
I RIPPED OFF AN ABANDONED WINNEBAGO USING SOME OLD
BOOTLACES I STOLE FROM A SLEEPING HOBO, THEN SHRIEK
AT THE NIGHT WEARING THE TATTERED BANSHEE-RAG OF NEWS
THAT IS MY SEGMENT... >> "MEANWHILE"!
[APPLAUSE] >> Stephen: STAY.
RIGHT THERE. RIGHT THERE, THAT SOOTHING SUE
IS THE SOUL MY FRIEND. MEANWHILE, OUR NATIONAL TRUST
IN CHICKEN INSTITUTIONS HAS TAKEN YET ANOTHER MAJOR HIT
BECAUSE CHICK-FIL-A IS DITCHING ITS "NO ANTIBIOTICS EVER"
PROMISE. WHAT?
YOU CAN'T JUST MAKE FAST FOOD WHAT'S NEXT?
ARBY'S ANNOUNCING "WE SEEM TO HAVE LOST THE MEATS."
ACCORDING TO THEIR ANNOUNCEMENT, IT'S JUST A TINY CHANGE
FROM "NO ANTIBIOTICS EVER" TO "NO ANTIBIOTICS IMPORTANT
TO HUMANS." UM, NO OFFENSE, CHICK-FIL-A
I DON'T TRUST A RESTAURANT DECIDING WHICH
ANTIBIOTICS ARE IMPORTANT TO ME. YOU'D NEVER HEAR A DOCTOR SAY,
"YOU HAVE A PRETTY SERIOUS INFECTION.
BUT I'D LIKE TO GET A SECOND OPINION FROM KYLE,
THE ASSISTANT MANAGER AT RED LOBSTER."
KYLE SAYS YOU HAVE UNLIMITED SHRIMP.
CHICK-FIL-A SAYS THEY'RE BEING FORCED TO LOOSEN THEIR STANDARDS
BECAUSE OF A DIMINISHING CHICKEN SUPPLY.
IT MAKES SENSE. ANY ECONOMIST WILL TELL YOU
THAT'S JUST THE LAW OF SUPPLY AND DELICIOUS.
AS DELICIOUSNESS INCREASES, SUPPLY GOES DOWN INTO MY BELLY.
[LAUGHTER] I WILL ADMIT, I WILL AGREE WITH
SOME OF YOU THAT THAT GRAPHIC WAS MORE DISTURBING THAN FUNNY.
MY GRAPHICS TEAM WORKED A LONG TIME ON IT AND I DON'T WANT TO
LET THOSE GUYS DOWN. THEY'RE LIKE CHILDREN.
SO I SAID LET IT RIDE. I SEE NO...
[LAUGHTER] THAT DECISION WAS MISGUIDED.
I APOLOGIZE. MEANWHILE, IN SPORT,
"THE NFL HAS APPROVED A NEW HYBRID KICKOFF FOR NEXT SEASON."
UNDER THE NEW RULE, THE KICKER WILL LINE UP ON HIS 35-YARD LINE
WITH THE OTHER 10 PLAYERS ON THE KICKING TEAM AT THE
RECEIVING TEAM'S 40, WHERE THE POINT GUARD HAS 30 SECONDS
TO THROW THE PUCK AND YELL "UNO" AND I'M JUST MAKING THIS
[BLEEP] UP BECAUSE I DO NOT CARE.
MEANWHILE, IN ORDER TO COUNTER THE ISSUE OF ACCUMULATING WASTE,
"MOUNT EVEREST CLIMBERS WILL NOW HAVE TO TAKE THEIR POOP AWAY
WITH THEM." SO LET ME JUST...
TAKE EVERST OFF THE BUCKET LIST.
'CAUSE I DO NOT... I DO NOT WANT TO CARRY
A FULL BUCKET OFF OF EVEREST. MEANWHILE, IN OWL NEWS, IT TURNS
OUT THAT FLACO, THE CENTRAL PARK OWL WHO CAPTIVATED NEW YORK
AFTER ESCAPING THE ZOO AND ROAMING THE CITY FOR MONTHS,
HAD PIGEON HERPES AND FOUR KINDS OF RAT POISON IN HIS SYSTEM
WHEN HE TRAGICALLY DIED. WELL, AT LEAST WE CAN TAKE
COMFORT KNOWING HE DIED DOING WHAT HE LOVED:
EATING POISON AND BANGING GUTTER DOVES.
[APPLAUSE] HOLD THAT TOGETHER, YOU KNOW.
HOLD THE MOTIONS IN. MEANWHILE, IF YOU LIKE TO EAT
HEALTHY, TOO BAD. 'CAUSE "KRISPY KREME DOUGHNUTS
ARE COMING TO McDONALD'S LOCATIONS NATIONWIDE BY
THE END OF 2026." 'CAUSE WHO AMONG US HASN'T
POLISHED OFF A DOUBLE QUARTER POUNDER WITH CHEESE AND THEN
THOUGHT, "NOW HOW DO I REWARD MYSELF?"
THAT LOOKS GOOD, I GOTTA SAY. KRISPY K'S WILL HIT MICKEY D'S
"USING A PHASED ROLLOUT." WHICH IS APPROPRIATE, 'CAUSE
AFTER BURGERS AND KRISPY KREMES A "PHASED ROLLOUT" IS THE ONLY
WAY YOU'RE LEAVING THAT RESTAURANT.
MEANWHILE, ACCORDING TO A RESEARCHER, OUR HOMES ARE
"TOO CLEAN" AND SHOULD BE SEEDED WITH GERMS, BECAUSE MODERN
CLEANING PRODUCTS ARE SO EFFECTIVE, THEY LEAVE CHILDREN
BEREFT OF EXPOSURE TO BACTERIA AND OTHER GERMS THAT ARE
IMPORTANT IN THE DEVELOPMENT OF A HEALTHY IMMUNE SYSTEM.
SETTING UP COUNTLESS HUSBANDS WITH A GREAT EXCUSE.
"HONEY, I'D LOVE TO WIPE DOWN THE COUNTER AFTER I CUT
RAW CHICKEN AND WASH MY HANDS AFTER I GO TO THE BATHROOM
BUT... I'M DOING THIS FOR TYLER."
MEANWHILE, WE'RE ALL FAMILIAR WITH DNA TESTING KITS.
BUT YOU MAY NOT KNOW THAT YOU CAN GET THEM FOR YOUR
PETS WHEN YOU RUN OUT OF THINGS TO BUY.
BUT THERE'S A NEW INVESTIGATION INTO PET DNA TESTING BY OUR OWN
CBS AFFILIATE WBZ BOSTON, NEW ENGLAND'S NEWS LEADER,
WHO ASKED "HOW ACCURATE ARE PET DNA TESTS?
WE SENT ONE LAB A SWAB FROM A HUMAN."
"REPORTER CHRISTINA HAGER SWABBED HER OWN CHEEK.
THE COMPANY REPORTED BACK THAT HAGER WAS 40% ALASKAN
MALAMUTE, 35% SHAR-PEI, AND 25% LABRADOR."
WHICH IS SHOCKING, UNTIL YOU SEE CHRISTINA HAGER.
HI, CHRISTINA. MEANWHILE, EVERYONE IS OKAY, BUT
A "MAN'S APPETITE FOR SOFT BACON LED TO BRAIN PARASITES"
AFTER EATING BACON GAVE HIM "A PARASITIC PORK TAPEWORM
THAT TOOK UP RESIDENCE IN HIS BRAIN."
WORTH IT. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH LIAM NEESON!