good evening and welcome to tucker
carlson tonight joe biden
finally gave his first press conference
this afternoon no president has ever
waited this long to answer
questions in public and as of just
yesterday we were not still
entirely sure it would happen a reporter
at the white house saw biden ambling
around and asked him if he was ready for
his first press conference
what press conference biden replied
apparently in the end
somebody told him a staffer pointed
biden toward the tape mark on the floor
and gave him a shove
biden shuffled forth and started talking
and pausing and then talking some more
and then
pausing you've heard the term pregnant
pause
joe biden's pauses were third trimester
quintuplets
these pauses were ready to burst here's
one of them
so the best way to get something done if
you
if it holds near and dear to you that
you
like to be able to anyway
i'm we're going to get a lot done
got that america we're going to get a
lot done a lot of course we'll get a lot
more done and confuse far fewer people
if we go ahead and read our policy
positions
from small pieces of paper that others
have painstakingly prepared
for us that way we won't lose
consciousness in mid-sentence or
accidentally start a war
so when the topic of north korea arose
joe biden knew exactly what to do
he found his piece of paper and he
started reading the words that had been
written on it
we're consulting with our allies and
partners
and there will be
responses if they choose to escalate
we will respond accordingly but i'm also
prepared
for some form of diplomacy
it's got to be pretty intimidating to
know to the north koreans who of course
are watching it in real time
they've got nukes in pyongyang now and
that means they probably have cable tv
too
don't underestimate these people they're
crafty of course the north koreans were
already
deeply afraid of joe biden they know
that he means business
they remember the time that biden beat
the crap out of the entire kim family
with a chain
he and nelson mandela back in 86. you've
heard the story they've lived it
it's part of their lore and now this
north korea is facing not just joe
biden's masculinity
but an entire piece of paper with
instructions on it
that joe biden is perfectly willing to
read anytime he needs to
that cue card is joe biden's secret
weapon in the fight against nuclear
proliferation
you can breathe easy america and that's
good news because we've got problems of
our own in this country
one of our biggest problems is voting
it's getting harder and harder to vote
there are some people in america bigots
let's just call them what they are who
are demanding that we
know voters identities before we let
them choose our government
they want people to show ids at the
polls if you can even imagine in 2021
these bigots joe biden explained today
are republicans
and so i'm convinced that we'll be able
to stop this because it is the most
pernicious thing
this makes jim crow look like jim eagle
jim eagle who's jim eagle
a comic book hero from the 50s some kind
of dog-faced pony soldier we didn't know
who jimmy eagle was so we went scurrying
to her google machines to look it up
then we realized duh we're being way too
literal here it's an analogy
crow eagle they're both birds but an
eagle is much bigger than a crow
that means that asking people to show a
driver's license when they vote is much
more racist than segregation and
lynchings
segregation and lynchings were jim crow
voter ids are jim eagle way worse
and that makes sense when you think
about it most black people don't have
government issued ids and that's why
they can't drive cars
or fly on airplanes or hold jobs or stay
in hotels or go to the doctor
or cash checks or sign rental agreements
or buy
homes or open bank accounts or purchase
sudafed at cvs
black people can't do any of those
things because they don't have ids
millions and millions of them don't have
ids and it's sad
as joe biden often points out now you
might think the solution to this tragedy
would be make it easier for americans to
get ids
subsidize them if you have to no
joe biden has a better idea just make
sure that no one
ever has to show an id in order to vote
and that way the millions and millions
and millions of african americans who
somehow don't have ids
won't feel bad or left out they still
won't be able to drive cars
or have jobs or bank accounts or live
anywhere
but at least they can vote a lot and the
rest of us won't be racist
problem solved as joe biden just told us
he's going to get a lot done and not
just in the next four years by the way
but in the four years after that joe
biden is running again
he told us that today too by the end of
his second term joe biden will be 86
years old
that's a full decade past the life
expectancy of the average american man
which for the record joe biden has
already exceeded
but there's nothing average about joe
biden time
improves him like certain varieties of
artisanal cheese joe biden is meant to
be aged
he just gets sharper and more pungent
his next campaign will be even tastier
watch have you decided whether you are
going to run for re-election
in 2024 you haven't set up a re-election
campaign yet as your predecessor had by
this time
my predecessor need to need it to
my predecessor oh god i miss him
um no an answer is yes my plan is to run
for reelection that's my expectation
my plan is to run for re-election now we
weren't
in the room when joe biden said that but
according to those who
were there was an audible gasp of horror
from behind the curtain
sources said it sounded very much like
kamala harris
we can't confirm that but we can tell
you that joe biden has
already picked a theme for his next
campaign the theme
is unity now wait a second you might be
thinking
wasn't unity the theme of biden's last
campaign the one that just ended in
november
yes it was but that wasn't enough unity
there is more unity on the way ladies
and gentlemen bucket loads of it tractor
trailer loads full
imagine every swimming pool in malibu
topped to the brim with unity and then
at all the pools in bel air that's how
much unity we're talking about
and by unity of course we mean policies
that make americans hate each other much
more than they ever have
that's what joe biden has given us so
far and soon we'll have more
the third reason i said i was running
was to unite the country
and generically speaking all of you said
no you can't do that
well i've not been able to unite the
congress but i've been uniting the
country
based on the polling data
we have to come together
oh the polling data the real currency of
washington
now we haven't checked the polling data
ticker today but we have to tell you
that we approach this one specific claim
with some degree of skepticism
not every one of joe biden's unifying
policies has fully unified the country
just yet
there are still some crotchety holdouts
deep in the american interior
who aren't fully sold on his fresh new
program of being humiliated
berated disarmed and taxed into poverty
and powerlessness
those people are bigots obviously
they're probably friends with the
snake-handling evangelical freaks
who complain when some dude shows up at
their eight-year-old daughter's locker
room
but whatever you can't please everyone
you know who you can please though if
you're joe biden
the media reporters are highly pleased
they're one group that remains utterly
united in their love and support of joe
biden and the polling data show it
joe biden knows this well but he's not
pandering to reporters joe biden is
bigger than that
it's not like the washington post is a
credit card company from delaware he
doesn't need to slobber on them
so today joe biden explained that
despite his massive successes on our
southern border the ones you're seeing
on tv
he is not ready to show reporters
exactly what he's doing down there
that's for him to know and them to find
out
we haven't seen the facilities in which
children are packed together to really
give the american people a chance to see
that will you commit to transparency on
this
i will commit to transparency and as
soon as i am in a position to be able to
implement what we're doing
right now well that's kind of unusual
you don't often hear a politician admit
that he's
rejecting openness and embracing secrecy
they usually lie about that
but not joe biden biden tends to say the
unspoken
things out loud we're as opaque as a
shower curtain he told the press corps
today and there's nothing you can do
about it
it's pretty provocative of course it is
but provocative in a way that reporters
enjoyed
they're naughty those reporters they
like to be teased deny them what they
ask for and they want more
here's a lady from state media national
public radio
flush with wonder as she describes the
remarkable personal qualities of her
boss
joe biden you've said over and over
again
that immigrants shouldn't come to this
country right now this isn't the time to
come
that message is not being received
instead the perception of you
that got you elected as a moral decent
man is
the reason why a lot of immigrants are
coming to this country and entrusting
you with unaccompanied minors
when you call a man moral and decent in
your question to him it kind of
sets the frame as they say but the
bottom line is a moral decent man
is running this country ladies and
gentlemen that's the message of unity
and by the way it's a required message
so repeat it to yourself five times and
then repeat it to everyone you know if
you don't you're racist
one