- Do you consider yourself more agreeable in nature
and are finding really hard to set boundaries?
Do you find that people walk all over you a lot
or maybe play games with you?
In this video, I will share with you one little clip
from my favorite psychologist.
I have been watching him for the last six months.
Let's see what he has to say about this
and how high value women can take his advice
and use it in a healthy way.
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Hello, my name is Greta Bereisaite.
I'm a dating and relationship coach for women.
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and just before I share with you the Jordan Peterson's clip,
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So without further ado, let's have a look at this.
- What's the difference between men and women?
Well, how do they differ?
Well, the first thing we might observe is that if you look
at personality differences between prepubescent boys
and girls, they're not very large.
Boys and girls don't differ in terms
of their trait neuroticism, for example.
What happens is that when puberty kicks in,
women's trait neuroticism rises and it stays higher
than men for the rest of their life, and this is why,
you see this reflect in the different kinds
of psychopathology that beset the two sexes.
So men are overrepresented in alcoholism, drug abuse,
antisocial personality, and a host of learning disorders
as well as attention deficit disorder,
and women are overrepresented
in depression and anxiety primarily.
That seems to be tightly associated with higher levels
of trait neuroticism because maybe if you're
at the 95th percentile or higher, let's say,
in trait neuroticism, there isn't much difference
between that and being somewhat prone to depression
and anxiety, and because the curves overlap,
the curves aren't identical, the normal distributions
aren't identical for men and women, you tilt the one
to the right, the women's curve to the right
towards higher levels of neuroticism,
you go out and you look for the person in 20
who has the highest levels of negative emotion.
It's much more likely to be female than male.
Okay, so let's see if we can figure out why.
So we're gonna tell you some things, basic differences
between men and women and you can tell me
what you think about it, if you agree or disagree.
Okay, first, size differential emerges
between men and women at puberty, right?
'Cause boys and girls are roughly the same size
and roughly the same strength, but men get bigger
at puberty when testosterone kicks in, and more importantly,
not only do they get taller and heavier,
but their upper body strength is much higher.
Okay, so there's a body size difference that's important,
a strength differential that's important.
Next thing, I think, so let's assume that the reason
that women are higher in sensitivity
to negative emotion is because the world
is actually more dangerous to women, right?
'Cause that would be the most logical reason
why there would be a sex difference in something
like fear or sensitivity to punishment.
Well, first, there's the danger of physical altercation.
Second, there's the sexual danger.
So women become sexually vulnerable at puberty,
and why do I say vulnerable?
Well, it's straightforward.
It's because the cost of sex for women is way higher
than it is for men, or it certainly has been
throughout our evolutionary history
because if a man has an unwanted sexual encounter, well,
then he walks away and maybe he's persecuted by the state
or prosecuted by the state for it, but if a woman
has an unwanted, unwarranted, or incautious sexual encounter
and she ends up pregnant, then, well,
in traditional society's, you're just done
and even in modern societies that are rich like ours,
I don't have to go into that.
It's big trouble.
No matter what you do about it, it's big trouble.
So being more nervous about that makes perfect sense,
but then here's the last thing.
- Okay, so I'll just pause this for a second.
So as you can see, women, by nature, are more neurotic.
We are more negative because we have to protect ourselves.
So we are more vulnerable because we are not
as strong as men are.
We are sexually much more vulnerable
because when we hit puberty, like guys are approaching us.
He's stronger, so we kind of have to protect ourselves,
and because we have to watch out for danger so much,
we naturally become more neurotic, and nowadays,
guys play so many games as well and when somebody's
pursuing you, you're neurotic, you're careful
because you're like, maybe he's gonna take advantage of me,
maybe he's playing a game, does he really care?
Is this for real?
So naturally, we are more protective of ourselves, right?
From all of these dangers.
The third thing, what Jordan Peterson said,
is protecting the baby, right?
So when we're moms, we have to protect the baby.
We have to have a safe, good environment for the baby,
so we naturally look out for dangers.
So because we, as women, are more neurotic than men,
when we look for our ideal partner, we are looking
for somebody who can provide safety and security
which contradicts so much what dating coaches
for men coach men nowadays is like give her uncertainty,
play games with her so she will chase you.
You're the king, you're the prize, she needs to pursue you.
So basically, what these dating coaches coach men
does not even make sense because we, as women,
we are not looking for uncertainty, we are looking
for safety, security, our man to be reliable.
We don't have that.
We are more neurotic, so we need the safety to calm us down.
Adding one more point to that, why men need to pursue women,
why men need to chase women,
it's not because we are these arrogant queens.
We are looking for safety and security,
and when a man is pursuing a woman, he is showing
to her that, look, I care about you, I'm investing into you.
These are my actions, you can trust me.
I'm there for you.
I will give you safety and security, right?
So when a man is pursuing a woman,
he's automatically fulfilling our love needs,
which again contradicts so much what dating coaches
for men coach men nowadays.
Give her uncertainty, act all cool, women need uncertainty.
It's nonsense.
How can we need uncertainty when we are more neurotic
and we are more vulnerable in this world?
- And I think that women's nervous systems
are not adapted to women.
I think women's nervous systems are adapted
to the mother-infant dyad because you are not the same
creature when you have an infant, not at all.
You're way more vulnerable and it's partly because you have
to express through vulnerability to the infant
and you also have to care for it, right?
So you think about an infant, especially under nine months.
So let's say how are you going to be wired up
if you're going to optimally care
for an infant under nine months?
And I'm saying under nine months because women generally
do the bulk of childcare for infants who are
under nine months old, and part of the reason for that,
there's a whole host of reasons, but part of the reason
for that obviously is that they breastfeed,
but imagine what you need to be wired up biologically
in order to care for an infant.
First of all, they're very demanding, right?
Because they're completely helpless
and they're demanding 24 hours a day
and it's quite emotional load and an infant
under nine months is never wrong, right?
What you do to an infant under nine months is
when they're in distress, you always respond.
You never tell the infant, get your act together
and stop whining, right?
Which you can do, say, to a child that's 18 months old.
You can start having that sort of conversation,
but under nine months,
it's like nothing is the infant's fault.
It's surrounded in an extraordinarily threatening world
and you have to be responsive to what it needs regardless
of what you want and you have to be very sensitive
to the threats that emerge in the environment,
and so I think the price women pay for that ability
to have an intimate relationship with infants
in the very earliest stages of development is
that their nervous systems are actually wired
so that they can perform that role optimally
and the disadvantage to that is that having a temperament
like that doesn't work that well when you're dealing
with adult men, especially when you're dealing
with them in a business environment
because it's not the same thing, not at all.
It's a competitive environment.
So, okay, so agreeable people are compassionate and polite.
What are disagreeable people like?
They're tough-minded, they're blunt, they're competitive,
and they won't do a damn thing they don't want to do.
So it isn't exactly that they're aggressive,
although they will push you the hell out
of their way if you're in the way.
They're not volatile like you are
if you're high in neuroticism.
It isn't defensive aggression,
it's more like predatory aggression.
It's dominance behavior, and so for someone
who's highly disagreeable, they look at the world
as a place in which they can compete and win.
Corporations, large institutions of any sort,
run on the unheralded labor of people who are high
in agreeableness and high in conscientiousness
and they're disproportionately women.
My experience in large institutions has been that
if you want to hire someone to exploit appropriately, no,
not appropriately, if you want to hire someone
to exploit productively, you hire middle-aged women
who are hyperconscientious and who are agreeable
because they'll do everything, they won't take credit
for it, and they won't complain, and that's nasty
and I think that happens all the time,
and so one of the things you have to be careful of
if you're agreeable is not to be exploited
because you'll line up to be exploited
and I think the reason for that is
because you're wired to be exploited by infants,
and so that just doesn't work so well in the actual world
and one of the things, one of the things
that happens very often in psychotherapy, you know,
people come to psychotherapy for multiple reasons,
but one of them is they often come
because they're too agreeable, and so what they get
is so-called assertiveness training, although it's not
exactly assertiveness that's being trained.
What it is is the ability to learn how to negotiate
on your own behalf, and one of the things I tell
agreeable people, especially if they're conscientious,
is say what you think.
Tell the truth about what you think.
There's gonna be things you think that you think are nasty
and harsh and they probably are nasty and harsh,
but they're also probably true and you need to bring
those up to the forefront and deliver the message
and it's not straightforward at all
because agreeable people do not like conflict, not at all.
They smooth the water.
You know, and you can see why that is in accordance
with the hypothesis that I've been putting forward.
You don't want conflict around infants.
It's too damn dangerous.
You don't want fights to break out.
You don't want anything to disturb the relative peace,
and if you're also more prone to being hurt physically
and perhaps emotionally, it might be safer in the short-term
to keep the waters smooth and to not delve
into those situations where conflict emerges.
The problem with that is it's not a very good medium
to long-term strategy, right?
'Cause lots of times, there are things you have
to talk about because they're not gonna go away.
- So women are more agreeable than men,
and as Jordan Peterson said, women are more agreeable
because we kind of want to provide a safe environment
for children, right?
So if a man is confronting them or he's angry,
she doesn't want to get involved into that conflict
because then it provides unsafe environment for the baby.
So she's kind of like, okay, I'm just not gonna say anything
so there is peace in the family.
Biologically, it seems like women are wired this way
and it's no surprise because if we look at the Bible,
this is why God says to a man, you have to treat a woman
with careness, you have to be gentle with her
because she's agreeable.
When you're agreeable by nature,
it's hard to stand up for yourself.
Because it's hard to stand up for yourself,
people start to walk all over you
and they start to take advantage of you.
So according to God, men should be protecting us
and looking after us and treating us with gentleness
and caring and respect instead of trying to compete with us,
play games with us, or walk all over us.
This is why we need to learn to stand up for ourselves
by setting in boundaries because otherwise,
we're going to be walked all over by men and people
who do not acknowledge or respect God's word.
If you want to know how to set in boundaries for guys,
check out my video right here and if you want to understand
the games men play with women so you do not fall
into that trap, I have a video for sale
and I will drop it down in my video description box below
and as a pinned comment under this video.
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Thank you for watching, kisses from Dorset.