FOLKS, THE SUPREME COURT WAS IN THE NEWS LAST WEEK AGAIN.
WE LEARNED THAT JUSTICE GINSBURG WAS RECOVERING AFTER A FALL.
SHE'S BACK AT WORK, AND I'M NOT SURPRISED BECAUSE I KNOW HER
STRENGTH.
EARLIER THIS YEAR, I WORKED OUT WITH R.B.G.
SO, I WAS DELIGHTED WHEN ANOTHER SUPREME COURT JUSTICE, SONIA
SOTOMAYOR, AGREED TO SIT DOWN WITH ME.
( APPLAUSE )
SECOND OR THIRD TIME.
I'VE TALKED WITH HER BEFORE.
SHE'S AMAZING.
PEOPLE LOVE SONIA.
SHE HAS AN INSPIRING LIFE STORY WHICH SHE TELLS IN TWO NEW
CHILDREN'S BOOKS: "TURNING PAGES" AND "THE BELOVED WORLD OF
SONIA SOTOMAYOR."
AND I RECENTLY SAT DOWN WITH JUSTICE SONIA SOTOMAYOR.
IN OUR NATION'S CAPITAL.
>> Stephen: THE SUPREME COURT OF THE UNITED STATES.
IN JUST A MOMENT, I'LL BE SITTING DOWN WITH JUSTICE SONIA
SOTOMAYOR, OVER THERE, AT THE LIBRARY OF CONGRESS.
THEY WOULDN'T LET ME FILM IN THERE.
I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE WHY.
BUT, THAT'S NICE, TOO.
JUSTICE, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TALKING TO ME TODAY.
>> IT'S SO WONDERFUL TO SEE YOU AGAIN, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S BEEN GOING ON IN THE SUPREME COURT LATELY?
I HAVEN'T HEARD MUCH.
ANYTHING-- ANYTHING EXCITING HAPPENING?
>> JUST READ THE NEWSPAPERS.
>> Stephen: BUT WHAT'S THE HOT GOSSIP?
WHO'S A DIVA OVER THERE?
>> WE ALL ARE.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS ON NOT ONE BUT TWO NEW BOOKS.
GOT THEM HERE.
"WHOSE BOAT IS THIS BOAT?."
I'M SORRY-- >> THAT ONE'S NOT MINE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NOT-- NO, THIS IS MINE.
I'M SORRY.
I APOLOGIZE.
CAN WE-- "WHOSE BOAT--"
I DON'T KNOW WHY WE HAVE TWO COPIES OF THIS.
I APOLOGIZE.
SORRY.
>> Stephen: "TURNING PAGES."
>> THAT'S MINE.
>> Stephen: WHAT I LIKE ABOUT THIS IS NOT ONLY IS IT THE NAME
OF YOUR BOOK, BUT IT ALSO-- IT'S AN INSTRUCTION ON HOW TO READ A
BOOK.
>> WELL, IT'S FOR KIDS FOUR TO EIGHT YEARS OLD, SO THAT HELPS,
DOESN'T IT?
>> Stephen: I HAVEN'T HAD A CHANCE TO READ THE BOOK YET,
BUT-- >> STEPHEN, IT WILL TAKE YOU TEN
MINUTES.
>> Stephen: LET'S GO THROUGH IT.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: IT'S GOT FANTASTIC PICTURES.
WHAT MESSAGE DO YOU WANT KIDS TO GET FROM THIS BOOK?
>> WELL, MY SUCCESS IN LIFE HAS HAPPENED BECAUSE OF WORDS AND
BOOKS.
READING IS WHAT CHANGED THE CIRCUMSTANCES OF MY LIFE AROUND
AND LET ME BECOME A SUPREME COURT JUSTICE.
AND THAT IS WHAT THE MESSAGE OF THIS BOOK IS.
>> Stephen: NOW THIS IS A FAIRLY UNREALISTIC DRAWING.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: I BELIEVE YOU CAN FLY.
>> I DON'T.
>> Stephen: THEY MUST GIVE YOU SOME SORT OF SUPERPOWERS WHEN
YOU BECOME A MEMBER OF THE SUPREME COURT.
>> NOT REALLY.
>> Stephen: WE DON'T KNOW ANYTHING YOU FOLKS DO IN THERE.
IT'S ALL CLOSED OFF.
THERE'S NO CAMERAS.
>> YOU CAN COME VISIT.
>> Stephen: IT'S LIKE A TEMPLE IN THERE.
>> YOU CAN COME VISIT THE SUPREME COURT ANY TIME YOU WANT.
>> Stephen: AND CAN WE SEE WHAT YOU GUYS ARE DOING BACK IN THE
CHAMBERS?
>> WELL, NO.
>> Stephen: WE DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
IT'S A SECRET SOCIETY.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING IN YOUR OFFICE.
>> Stephen: OH, YOU CAN COME ANYTIME YOU WANT.
>> BUT YOU CAN COME, AND IF I WANT TO SEE YOU.
>> Stephen: SURE.
NO, YOU CAN GO TO StephenColbert.org, AND I'M
LIVE-STREAMING MY OFFICE AT ALL TIMES.
>> IS THAT TRUE?
>> Stephen: HEY, JIMMY, LET'S CUT TO THE LIVE-STREAM RIGHT
NOW.
>> HOLD ON.
♪ YOU SPIN ME RIGHT ROUND, BABY, RIGHT ROUND,
♪ LIKE A RECORD BABY ♪ >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
HAVE YOU EVER COMMITTED A CRIME?
>> OOOOH.
>> Stephen: STEAL A CANDY BAR OR ANYTHING AS A CHILD?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: NO?
>> BUT I DID TAKE A QUARTER FROM A TELEPHONE-- A PUBLIC
TELEPHONE-- >> Stephen: WHAT?
>> IN MY LIFE, YEAH.
>> Stephen: A PUBLIC TELEPHONE?
>> UH-HUH.
>> Stephen: THAT'S INTERSTATE COMMERCE, BECAUSE THAT'S LONG-
DISTANCE CALLS ON THOSE.
>> I KNOW.
THANKFULLY-- >> Stephen: THAT'S A FEDERAL
CRIME.
YOU KNOW, IT'S ONLY A QUARTER, BUT LITTLE THINGS LEAD TO BIG
THINGS.
>> THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A GATEWAY CRIME.
>> THANKFULLY, THE STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS HAS PASSED.
>> Stephen: HOLD ON ONE SECOND.
LET'S GET A LAWYER ON THAT, PLEASE.
>> PROBABLY MOST CITIZENS AT SOME POINT IN THEIR LIFE WHO
DRIVE HAVE GONE OVER THE SPEED LIMIT.
>> Stephen: I HAVE NOT.
>> THAT'S A CRIME, TOO.
>> Stephen: I HAVE NEVER.
>> YOU'VE NEVER GONE-- STEPHEN?
>> Stephen: I'VE NEVER GONE-- >> YOU'RE CATHOLIC, AREN'T YOU?
>> YES, I'M A CATHOLIC.
DOMINUS VOBISCUM.
>> UH-HUH, AND YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO LIE.
>> Stephen: I-- I DO.
I-- I KNOW I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO LIE.
>> TELL ME THAT YOU'VE NEVER GONE OVER THE SPEED LIMIT.
>> Stephen: I WOULD LIKE TO INVOKE MY FIFTH AMENDMENT RIGHT
AGAINST SELF-INCRIMINATION.
( LAUGHTER )
YOU HAVE ANOTHER BOOK-- >> I HAVE.
>> Stephen: --FOR SLIGHTLY OLDER CHILDREN.
>> MIDDLE SCHOOL CHILDREN.
>> Stephen: IT'S CALLED "THE BELOVED WORLD OF SONIA
SOTOMAYOR."
IT'S A NICE TITLE.
COULD I IMPROVE IT SLIGHTLY FOR YOU?
>> GO AHEAD.
>> Stephen: "THE WORLD OF THE BELOVED SONIA SOTOMAYOR."
>> OH, THAT'S VERY SWEET OF YOU, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: YOU SEEM NICE.
I'M SORRY YOU HAVE TO LIVE IN WASHINGTON.
YOU WRITE THAT WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD, YOU USED BOOKS TO ESCAPE
SADNESS.
>> UH-HUH.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU USE TO ESCAPE SADNESS AS AN ADULT?
>> I LOVE PLAYING POKER, SO I PLAY--
>> Stephen: REALLY?
>> --POKER WITH FRIENDS.
>> Stephen: AND DO YOU EVER PLAY FOR JUST, LIKE, SMALL STAKES, OR
ANYTHING LIKE THAT?
JUST A LITTLE FAMILY-- >> PRETTY MUCH ALMOST ALWAYS
SMALL STAKES.
>> Stephen: SMALL STAKES.
IT'S STILL ILLEGAL TO GAMBLE FOR SMALL STAKES, JUST--
>> NO, BECAUSE I PROVIDE-- >> Stephen: IT'S NOT ILLEGAL IN
D.C.?
>> I PROVIDE THE FOOD.
THE PLAYERS AROUND MY TABLE ARE JUST PAYING FOR THEIR OWN FOOD.
>> Stephen: THAT IS LEGALESE IF I EVER HEARD IT.
COME ON, THAT'S NEVER GOING TO HOLD UP IN A COURT.
>> WHY NOT?
>> Stephen: GET A LAWYER IN HERE.
>> WHY NOT?
>> Stephen: YOU'RE-- YOU'RE RUNNING-- YOU'RE RUNNING A
GAMBLING DEN.
>> ABSOLUTELY NOT.
>> Stephen: HOW DO WE KNOW THAT YOU'RE IN CHARGE?
I'D LIKE TO SEE SOME RECEIPTS, PLEASE.
>> OH, THAT'S EASY FOR ME TO GIVE YOU.
>> Stephen: OKAY, STEALING QUARTERS TO FEED YOUR GAMBLING
PROBLEM.
ALL RIGHT, OKAY.
YOU SPEND A LOT OF YOUR DAY MAKING BIG CALLS, ALL RIGHT?
THERE'S NO BIGGER CALLS THAN DECIDING WHAT THE CONSTITUTION
WILL ALLOW.
I'D LIKE YOU TO USE YOUR JUDICIAL ACUMEN RIGHT NOW TO
MAKE SOME VERY QUICK, VERY SMALL CALLS.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: JUSTICE SOTOMAYOR, DO ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: IS IT OKAY TO TALK A PENNY IF YOU NEVER LEAVE A
PENNY?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: IS IT EVER OKAY TO MICROWAVE FISH?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: IF THERE'S SOMETHING STRANGE IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD,
WHO YOU GONNA CALL?
>> IF THERE'S SOMETHING STRANGE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD--
>> Stephen: NEIGHBORHOOD.
>> IF YOU MEAN "STRANGE" BY DANGEROUS FOR MYSELF OR OTHERS,
I WOULD CALL-- >> Stephen: POSSIBLY.
>> THE POLICE.
>> Stephen: POSSIBLY, BUT WHAT IF IT WAS SPOOKY?
WHAT IF IT WAS SOMETHING SPOOKY OR OTHERWORLDLY?
SOMETHING STRANGE IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD.
WHO YOU GONNA CALL?
>> THAT DIDN'T POSE ME AN-- POSE ANY DANGER TO ME.
>> Stephen: IT COULD POSE A DANGER TO YOU IF--
>> THEN I STILL MIGHT CALL THE POLICE.
>> Stephen: OKAY, WHAT IF THE POLICE COULDN'T HANDLE THIS
PARTICULAR DANGER?
PERHAPS IF IT WAS AN ETHEREAL OR SPIRITUAL DANGER?
PERHAPS THERE WERE-- >> AHHH.
>> Stephen: GHOSTS.
WHO-- WHO YOU GONNA CALL?
>> OH, THAT'S A FASCINATING QUESTION.
>> Stephen: ALL OF MINE ARE.
>> AND THE-- AND MOST OF THEM ARE--
WHO WOULD I CALL?
>> Stephen: WHO WOULD YOU CALL?
>> I'D GO GET THE POLICE FOR SURE.
>> Stephen: JUDGES?
OH, YOU'RE THE JUDGE.
I'M SORRY.
WE ALREADY HAVE A RULING FROM ONE OF YOUR COLLEAGUES, RUTH
BADER GINSBURG, ON THIS, PERHAPS ONE OF THE MOST DIVISIVE ISSUES
IN AMERICA TODAY.
BUT I WANT TO POSE IT TO YOU TO SEE IF WE HAVE A CONCURRENCE.
JUSTICE SOTOMAYOR, IS A HOT DOG A SANDWICH?
>> THIS IS NOT FAIR, 'CAUSE I WATCHED HER INTERVIEW WITH YOU.
AND SHE ASKED-- >> Stephen: WELL, I MEAN, SURELY
YOU SEE OTHER PEOPLE'S ORAL ARGUMENTS.
PERHAPS-- PERHAPS YOU CAN RENDER YOUR OWN JUDGMENTS.
OR ARE YOU SO INFLUENCED BY RUTH BADER GINSBURG THAT YOU CAN'T
HAVE YOUR OWN OPINION, MADAME JUSTICE, AS NO ONE CALLS YOU?
>> WELL, I CAN APPROACH THE PROBLEM IN A DIFFERENT WAY THAN
SHE DID.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
>> ALL RIGHT, MY DEFINITION OF SANDWICH IS SOMETHING BETWEEN
TWO PARTS OF A BREAD, OR TWO SLICES OF A BREAD.
AND UNDER THAT DEFINITION, A HOT DOG CAN BE, BECAUSE WHETHER THE
BREADS ARE TIED TOGETHER OR NOT IS IRRELEVANT.
SO I WOULD ANSWER YES, UNDER THOSE-- UNDER THAT DEFINITION.
>> Stephen: SO YOU'RE WILLING TO SAY HOT DOG IS A SANDWICH.
>> AND, BY THE WAY, I LOVE HOT DOGS.
>> Stephen: JUSTICE, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TALKING TO ME TODAY.
CHEERS.
>> SALUD.
( APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER )
AVAILABLE NOW.
THANK YOU, JUSTICE SOTOMAYOR!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH TIMOTHEE CHALAMET!