Oh, I thought I'd share this with you--it was a cartoon of Henry VIII, and
he's with one his wives and they're working with a mediator...
[LAUGHTER] The mediator's saying, You say, Off with her head, but
what I hear is, I feel neglected. [LAUGHTER] I can imagine
that mediator didn't last long. [LAUGHTER] Okay, so again,
conflict is an expression that are...of emotional stuckness...
That we're trying to get needs met and it's not working. And it's also egoic
stuckness--that we're stuck in a pattern, and living in an identity that's confined.
So, offering attention is part of our evolutionary unfolding, it's just
the moving from that egoic state to a more enlarged space of awareness. Now,
that's the simple nutshell summary. Now I'm going to spend the rest of the time
with the challenges to what I just put out, because there's a lot of challenges.
And I want to clarify that not blaming does not
mean that we put aside discriminating wisdom. It doesn't mean that we
don't recognize where there's...could be harm to us and protect ourselves.
It just means that we're not buying into the aversive blame of: You're bad,
it's your fault. Challenge Number One...
Biggest one of them all is... But it seems as if the other person, or I,
really am wrong, really am bad. It really is my fault, it really is your fault,
it really seems that way. So what do we do when it really, really seems that way?
And I can say that in the first stretch of that conversation with Jonathan, my,
from my view, he was wrong. That was just the mindset... What
happens when we're living inside that? And I want to say that we've had tens of
thousands of years of conditioning, part of the whole tribal mentality,
and we spent a thousand times as long in tribes as we have not in tribes.
The tribal cohesion was built on creating an 'other' that was wrong or
bad. That's the way it worked. The other was different, was a threat,
was bad. And so, when we feel insecure, unloved, or
unsafe, we're rigged to focus on the perceived cause and make it bad.
That person's a danger, they're bad. And we fixate, we scan for
difference. Even difference in view... Like, Jonathan had a different view,
he wasn't prioritizing the same thing I was prioritizing--bad.
I've said many times that that phrase: The world is divided into those who
think they're right. [AUDIENCE LAUGHTER] And that's the whole phrase, you know?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER] [LAUGH] So we have very,
very deep rigging, and it happens more quickly than we are even aware of,
to turn others into an unreal other, and in some way have a less than, and
better than... And sometimes a real...I mean, it's what keeps wars going...
I was sent this just a couple of days ago. A man writes, I was walking
across the bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge about to jump off.
So I ran over and said, Stop! Don't do it. Why shouldn't I? he said. I said,
Well, there's so much to live for. He said, Like what? And I said,
Well, are you religious or an atheist? He said, Religious. I said, Me too!
Are you Christian or Buddhist? He said, Christian. I said, Me too!
Are you Catholic or Protestant? He said, Protestant. I said, Me too!
Are you Episcopalian or Baptist? He said, Baptist. I said, Wow, me too!
Are you the Baptist Church of God or the Baptist Church of the Lord? He said,
Baptist Church of the God. Me too! Are you the original Baptist Church of God or
Reformed Baptist Church of God? He said, Reformed. Me too!
Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1879 or
Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1915? He said,
Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1915. I said, Die,
heretic scum! And I pushed him off.
[LAUGHTER] Oh, actually,
that was great. [LAUGH]
It's so true, even in the group that is most,
you know, the group that we identify with...
When there's differences, all of a sudden there's this huge divide.
It's painfully true. So, the first critical discipline for us,
that is evolving us from the tribal conditioning of self-other and
bad-other, is really having our antennas up for it. And, there's a word...
The word 'should,' or 'shouldn't,' is one of the best words to keep an eye out for.
Any time we're in the mode of blame,
in that limbic system grip, we're not going to be
able to process the inner experience that needs attention and healing.
It just keeps us from processing. So, people will ask,
Well, what about really horrific crimes? You know,
don't you then make somebody wrong, or isn't that really bad?
And it's no different. Whatever you're experiencing from that horrific crime,
we, you can't process it unless you put down the idea of right and wrong.
The phrase I draw on a lot, which came from a movie,
came from a description in a movie of an African tribe,
the Ku in Matobo. And they say that if someone's murdered,
they have this drowning man ritual. The family goes to the edge of the river.
And the killer is taken out in a boat and bound up so he can't swim, and
then dropped into deep waters. And then the family has to make a decision. And
they can either let him drown or they can swim out and save him.
They have to swim out and save him. And the Ku believe that, if the family let
the person drown--in other words, if they seek revenge--they'll have justice, but
they'll never heal from the wound of loss. On the other hand,
if they save him, and that they admit that life isn't always just,
they save him. And if they accept the reality of the loss,
that very act can begin to heal their sorrow. And here's how they describe it...
They say, Vengeance is a lazy form of grief.
If we really took that in... Vengeance, meaning any time that,
in some way, we're trying to get back at, we're putting somebody down,
we're blaming, we're resenting... In some way, it's a cover for,
it's keeping us from the place that's really needing attention.
It's easier than paying attention. But it prevents us
from connecting with ourselves, and then being able to connect with others.
So the primary challenge really is one of
our kind of addiction to blame, and the seduction of blame. And
the primary teaching is that in the moments that we can wake up out of
that and see it and let go some, we become empowered to heal.
There is a little story of a man who's visiting a spiritual
master and he says, My life is like shattered glass.
My soul is tainted with evil. Is there any hope for me? Yes, said the master.
There is something whereby each broken thing is bound again, and
every stain made clean. What? the man asked. Forgiveness, was the response.
Whom do I forgive? Everyone... Life, God, your neighbor, especially yourself...
Well, how is that done? By this very understanding that no one is to blame,
said the master, No one. No one is to blame.
It's a very powerful mantra--No one is to blame. It's no one's fault.