Hey guys, it's Conan. And today I...
Don't really know how I feel. I kind of just felt like talking
because I just feel like there's a lot to talk about at this point in my life.
And I have this leftover cookie dough from when I made brownies with my friend Ashley that we felt like putting cookie dough inside so it would
be like a brownie and a cookie. So it was like a, like a crowny? Or like a...
Bookie? Anywho, I have a leftover
And I thought I would go ahead and make them because I'm just in this weird mood. This angle's a little bit different than normal;
it's not symmetrical. And I have my camera position downwards so that I can slouch
because my posture is
absolutely terrible. This is another segment of the world famous cooking show extraordinaire,
Babble and Bake. For those of you guys who are not familiar with Babble and Bake, it is a show where I bake and I babble
About anything. Usually nothing.
But also everything. Today,
and actually a lot lately, I've been thinking a lot about love and love in all of its definitions,
not just romantic
love
but self love. And so I figured I would get this leftover cookie dough and make little heart-shaped
cookies, and then eat the hearts because I hate love. (Just kidding.)
But I am going to make them heart-shaped just because it'll be cute.
Let's get started! Aha! So let's talk about love. Lately
I've been feeling a lot like I missed out on a really big part of high school. Which is that
classic, iconic
high school relationship
that every single person seems to have,
but I never had. Fun fact, I've never dated anyone before. I've never been on a single date.
I have not had my first kiss. I've, in fact, never even non-platonically
held someone's hand before. I am just about the most innocent, pure baby probably on YouTube.
I'm more innocent than actual babies. (Lil heart!) I spent all of high school
working really, really, really, really hard in
classes and working really hard on YouTube videos.
So I never even gave myself time to fall in love. While all of my friends were going on dates and being all mushy-gushy,
I was working. It's just what I've always done. And lately I kind of just felt a little bit
regretful that I did that? It wasn't that I never had the opportunity to date someone,
it's just, I never even wanted to. I never even wanted to i never even had a thought in my mind about it.
The thought of dating someone didn't cross my mind a single time during most of high school. Then senior year came around and I realized
how much of high school I missed because I never let myself do anything. And then senior year, I was like, "Well, shoot!
I missed out on that." But it was too late by then. All of senior year,
I worked harder on the internet and on music than I ever have in my whole entire life. I didn't really understand how
much I secretly craved to be in a relationship until I started writing music a lot more. (Two cookies.)
I'm the type of person who doesn't really know what they're thinking until they write it out. And the past couple of weeks
I just realized that so many of the songs that I'm writing are
about how I feel like a robot because I've never been in love before. It's very hard to exist in
our current world if you're not in love because there's constant signs of being in love everywhere.
I'm at this phase of my life where every single one of my friends is dating someone.
Every single one of my friends has a girlfriend or a boyfriend.
It's just it's just the way it is. And so almost all the time I spend with any of my friends,
I'm usually third wheeling and although
I act like I don't care and although I act like it's like, not a big deal,
I go home and write all these songs about how terribly lonely I feel all the time.
It's absolutely my fault, though. I very
Specifically made an effort to never get in a relationship
because I'm too much of a career person. I evaluated my life at a very young age,
realized that I had a lot of work to do in order to make it out of the situation that I was, and I also
deducted that there was no space in my life whatsoever to include dating someone.
It's just so time-consuming. it just didn't seem worth it at the time. But now that I'm an eighteen year old
who's never dated anyone my whole entire life,
I feel a little bit stupid, and I feel a little bit like I missed out on something, to be very honest.
I'm sure there's a lot of you guys out there who also never dated anyone before, so I know I'm not like alone in
the feeling. It just kind of is a feeling that I've had a lot lately
But because of my very extreme amount of self-control. I did exactly what I wanted to do.
I worked very, very hard in high school, got good grades, I graduated,
I got into a great school, and now I'm actually having the opportunity to pursue a career that I've always wanted to pursue.
But I've never been in love. And especially in the music industry where almost every single song is about love,
I'm like,
"What, what's so great about love? What am I missing out on?" Those have been my recent thoughts about romantic love. *ugh* Makes me feel
like I want to throw up all the time. I hate it.
I don't know why my brain is
subconsciously telling me that I should be in love when I don't want to be in love. There's no space.
I've got to work.
I just don't know. This heart's a little bit too
fat. This one's just a little bit too in love so let's take a little bit of that out. The heart is too full. These cookies
are probably going to turn out not looking like hearts at all after they're baked. Anywho,
another form of love that I've been thinking about a lot lately is self-love and how much I have
Changed in the past year due to self-love. When I was in middle school I used to very vigorously hate myself.
Um, I can laugh about it now, but at the time it was not very good.
I was very extremely bullied throughout middle school. So I just had this, like,
ever-present feeling of not liking myself. And I'm so surprised at how far I've come since my middle school years.
I went from utterly hating myself to
not even caring what other people think about me at all, to the point where I can show my true self to, like,
hundreds of thousands of people and it doesn't even bother me.
Look at my cookies! Just an update on the cookie sculpting. Self-love was definitely a really long journey for me. Almost
instantly, from as far back as I could remember, I was told that I shouldn't like myself.
I lived in a pretty bad household when I was in elementary school, and
I just constantly heard, "You're useless. You're not gonna
do anything in life," from elementary school all the way to about halfway through high school. I just knew that
I wasn't supposed to like myself,
and I wasn't sure why, but I just didn't. But I think the thing that changed almost all of that was
the internet. I really don't think that if it weren't for the internet. I would have at all
learned to like who I am. I think I probably would still be wearing khaki shorts and Hollister t-shirts and being terrified
everywhere I go.
But there's something so powerful about seeing so many people
love themselves, and take care of themselves, and take care of their brains and their bodies that kind of showed me that it's
perfectly okay to like yourself. In fact,
it's encouraged to like yourself. Usually a good thing when you like yourself. This cookie dough's getting stickier and stickier
so it's getting harder and harder to mold them into perfect hearts. Tt's okay,
it's a statement: all of our hearts are not perfect, and they're all different, but they're still yummy!
When it comes to the practices of things that I do in order to make sure that I'm still liking myself,
And then I don't, like, regress into self-hate, it's usually, like, a mixture of processes. It's writing music, making artwork, and
surprisingly, a lot of it has been clothes. I think that with clothes in particular,
it's a very, like, visible representation of who you are, so it takes a lot of courage to wear something that isn't normal because
that you're just blatantly telling the world. "I'm not normal. Look at me."
I kind of marked the moment when I really fully was like, "Hey. I like myself. I don't hate myself.
I don't care if you tell me that I'm supposed to hate myself. I think I'm pretty cool,
so I'm just gonna do whatever I want."
I marked that moment to the moment that I started wearing the clothes that I wanted. I'm going to disperse these so I can fit
some more. These are not going to look like hearts at all,
I can already tell. They're just going to get obliterated in the oven.
Hiccup. Do you guys remember How to Train a Dragon?
I was in love with that dragon and I really, really wanted that dragon as a pet. But sadly those don't exist in real life.
False advertising much? The moment that I started wearing things that I knew were different,
but didn't care that they were different, was the moment that I fully
was telling the world, "Hey, I'm not like everyone else, but it's chill and no one's really like anyone else,
so, like, I'm doing it. You can do it too. We can all be ourselves,
if you want." But it's really hard to get to that point. And it took a lot more
internal learning how to love yourself before I could ever externalize that. I'm still learning how to
just
accept myself,
and how to not hate myself for things that I've done in the past, and how to not blame myself for things that happened to
me in the past. It's definitely a process. And lately I've kind of felt like, on my channel, I
almost exude too much of a perfect personality?
And I want you guys to know that I
have bad days and I have days where I don't want to get out of bed at all, and where I just want to
wallow in my sadness. And although I choose to show you guys mostly just the happy parts,
I want you guys to know that there's a lot of days where I doubt myself,
just like any other human, and it's perfectly okay to doubt yourself.
It's perfectly okay to sometimes feel not that great.
But I think it's extremely important to remember that you don't have to hate yourself,
And that's the way my brain used to work when I was younger. This cookie dough's getting too melty.
It's just so sticky at this point. These hearts are going to be so squashy.
I really hope that they don't overflow. Everything's sticky. Okeydoke! Capische?
We got this? Look at my cookies!
They're so cute, and so... hearty. You can't really tell. Can you see that they're hearts? Let's go ahead and bake these.
Voila! Here are my cookies. They...
are no longer hearts. Some of them are
kind of though, so we're going to show those ones. Um, I choose... you. Look at that! Here's my cookie.
It's a, it's a little, um, a little bit less looking like a heart. More like a triangle.
But, I mean, love comes in all shapes and sizes. And this one looks like a triangle.
Pretty dang good.
So dang good! Who even needs love, anyways? When you have cookies? *indistinct mumbling*
I will leave the link to the recipe that I used in the description below, if you want to make some. I can't eat
gluten so I subbed in the flour with gluten-free flour, but you obviously don't have to. They're very good. Would recommend. Nice and soft. Oh!
Oh, thats — *squealing* Oh! No. Oh, that was so close! Okay.
In the comments below, I'd love to hear what your thoughts about self-love and romantic
love are I love to hear what your journey
of learning how to love yourself was like, because all of ours are different
and I think if it weren't for me hearing how people learn how to love themselves,
I don't think I ever would have loved myself.
It'd be cool to kind of just share our thoughts and our opinions and hopefully help each other learn to love each other and
ourselves a bit more. And if you did, in fact, have a high school relationship, I'd love to hear if you thought it was beneficial,
if you thought it was not beneficial, and if you are or have been in a relationship,
I'd love to hear what you learned from that relationship. Because I think that the only thing that I really regret about not being
in a relationship is that I never learned the things that you learn from being in your very first relationship.
I'm going to go. I love you guys so much. Come on, Conan! You're a very talented boy, you can do this.
Oh, that just hit my nose!
I'll see you guys in a few days with a brand new video. God bless and goodbye!