Hi, I’m Dave Vanderstrike. Let’s cut to the chase. The EMC (Evil Mega Corporation) sector
is more competitive than ever. Sure, it used to all be about doing evil and the bottom line.
But the marketplace has become oversaturated. Even “regular” mega corporations are committing
unspeakable acts every day. Doing evil is just no longer enough.
How are you going to stand out from the crowd and grab attention?
This is where branding makes all the difference. Brand is
about predetermined preference. When your clients and customers think of an omnipresent malevolent
force - will you be the first to come to mind, or will they be going to your competition?
Let’s talk about how branding can give your mega corporation the edge
in today’s marketplace of evil.
Evil is not a substitute for personality. Who you
are is not what you do. I don't care if you're a shadowy cabal trying to rig the fossil fuel
industry or a twisted tech startup running a factory slaughtering people for their bones.
What do you want people to *feel* when they think of your brand?
When enthralled by your brand story, people won't care about inconvenient facts. When
Chapel releases their newest "magical" product, nobody thinks about the kids mining cobalt or
the tonnes of e-waste generated when they make biPhones un-repairable by design.
The true magic is erasing those facts and replacing them feelings. When I buy from Chapel,
I feel cool and innovative. Like my consumerism somehow makes me
superior to others. Their brand is so good, people don't even *care* that they're evil. But sure,
that's Chapel - they're so much more than merely mega - but what about you?
When people are being snatched off the street and taken to the bone factory - do you want
them pissing themselves in terror? Or pissing themselves in excitement? It's not kidnapping,
it’s a surprise selection for an exclusive membership. That's brand mystique.
Or aim even higher. What if your factory became so exclusive and so desirable,
that people would willingly to line up for days to get in? If Supreme can do it by selling bricks
with Futura stamped on them, anything is possible. Plus, imagine the savings for shareholders when
you recycle your kidnapping squad into protein bars, you can sell at at a criminally high markup?
That’s just one direction you could lean in.
The important thing is to make people feel *something* passionately about your brand.
It’s hard to feel passionate about a blank slate. Today’s clients and consumers don’t have time for
the faceless mega corporations of the past. It’s time to get to know who you really are.
Lexcorp. Omnicorp. E corp. I could go on, but I’m not here to cure your insomnia. Likewise for
Industries and Technologies. These names sound clumsy coming out of a real person. You want a
monopoly over the global military industrial complex and the infant formula industry? You
need to become part of the conversation. And that starts with a name worth saying.
Say you want to turn the poor into designer protein powder for influencers?
Fantastic. Let's choose a name that evokes your firm's positive environmental impact.
Lytfoot. Nimbys. Fleeet- with 3 e's.
Anything but another MegaCon Industrial Technologies.
Most EMC’s choose a name that’s a big flashing sign that says "we are evil and massive"
in the most tedious way possible. Some of you literally put that name on a big flashing sign.
If you want to be the brand of choice in evil, you need a name people can trust.
Whether they should or not is a completely different question.
There's a reason it's called Mavient and not The Crippling Student Debt Corporation!
And on the topic of words, please do me a favour and don’t pick a transparently
ominous slogan. All too many times I see evil brands nailing the tone on the name, then
stumbling at the finish line with a transparently evil tagline. People aren't idiots. It's like
an underage teen trying to buy liquor with a perfect fake I.D. with the name Seymour Buttz.
Yes, the shareholders’ will think it looks very clever on their business cards,
but they won’t be happy with what it does to your bottom line.
Look, in this sector, I’ve yet to find an EMC that doesn’t *love* a slick uniform. There’s
something about fashion and fascistic corporate overlords that just go hand in glove. And I’m
not here to tell you not to spend the money on 4 seasonal outfits for your private militia.
But just like you wouldn’t send your elite corporate henchmen into Hero Inc. HQ in flip
flops and khakis, your brand image needs to look the part. Make no mistake - in the war
of evil - the battle for mind share is just as real as the battle against the forces of good.
Let’s talk about your logo. Is it an octagon, pentagon,
triangle or some other pointy and oppressive geometric shape?
It’s time for a brand refresh. You want people to trust you implicitly and unwittingly? Use flowing,
organic lines to give off a reassuring, comforting vibe. Or don't use a symbol at all. The job of
the symbol is to represent the heart of your company. And your black and shrivelled heart
isn’t one worth showing the public. So save the cash and lean on your typography.
Speaking of which, yours is a disaster. I see only two kinds of typography this sector:
1) Bland, corporate sans serif, center aligned in all caps.
And 2) in the tech sector - Eurostile or Bank Gothic, centre aligned in all caps.
Your font choice is a chance to tell your brand story.
Are you elite, untouchable, the new mount Olympus?
Show me Bodoni Light. You want me to pay $29,000 to install your microchip in my brain?
Lose the 80’s cliches and swap in Atyp Display. You want people to add your organic,
hand crafted asbestos to their Pinterest board? Get acquainted with Recoleta. Your
corporate villainy should not extend so far as to ignore the existence of serif fonts.
I've left the worst for last. Don’t be that clichéd evil corporation that misses
the importance of color. There are other options than cool grey and gunmetal. Or
worse yet. Black, white and red. Who at corporate signed off on this? Were they high on bath salts?
Start a mood board. Find your colour. Soft blue. Hot pink.
Saffron yellow. Pick any of these and truly commit to it,
you'll be leave your competition in the dust. Because that’s where dinosaurs belong.
Know your brand story. Make people feel something.
Give your brand of evil a name and a face they can remember. Because without that, you’re just
another faceless corporation committing crimes against humanity, and that’s not news anymore.
In the spirit of show instead of tell, I’ve prepared this case study. When Glomnicorp
came to me, they were just another EMC out of Detroit. They dabbled in
a bit of everything - privatising public services, robotics, weapons manufacturing,
yada yada. There was nothing to connect with the consumers who interact with them every day.
Here’s what we came up with for them after my evil brand consulting. Enjoy.
In these times, more than ever before, life can be unpredictable. It's the little things that add up
to big worries. It's why we're disposing of life's little annoyances. Bank fees. Limited bandwidth.
Miranda rights. Armed insurrection. Let's leave yesterday's worries in
the past. So that you can focus on what really matters, worry-free. Oomii, enabling tomorrow.
So that was something a little bit different. I’ve been thinking about this concept for a few
years now, and it seemed like a fun change of pace. Let me know if you enjoyed it.
Remember, the brand names are fake, but the principles are real.
Usually on this channel I break down design and typography in a more grounded way,
so if that’s something you’re into, stay tuned. Huge thank you to my patrons on Patreon
for helping me keep the channel going, it really means a lot. My name’s Linus,
I will not apologise for that accent work, and I’ll see you hopefully, in another video.