Narrator: Doctor Ivan Ostril.
Narrator: Hired to research the psychological effects of video games.
Narrator: Then, a freak accident alters his body chemistry.
[thunder crash]
Narrator: Now, when Ivan play a bad game for too long and becomes outraged,
Narrator: he transforms into..
Narrator: Locked away by those who hired him to keep their secret,
Narrator: Ivan continues to play horrible games
Narrator: hoping to find one good enough to adverse his condition.
Ivan: Experiment #102808
Ivan: The company has sent me Goosebumps: Horrorland for the Nintendo Wii.
Ivan: Having read the books at a younger age and having enjoyed them,
Ivan: I believe this game holds promise.
Ivan: It appears to revolve around horror themed minigames.
Ivan: And the quality at first glance,
Ivan: appears abysmal.
[sighs]
Ivan: Let's begin.
[game music plays]
Ivan: Fantastic.
(cutscene) Narrator: Admit one to the grand opening of HORRORLAND!!!
Narrator: Where nightmares come to life!!
Nate: Hey! You are so not gonna believe this!
Unnamed Kid: Double woah!
Unnamed Kid: You got one too? [Ivan groans]
Nate: Horrorland!
Nate: The world's greatest horror themed amusement park! Ivan: Keep it together, buddy.
Ivan: It's just a cutscene. Nate: Can you believe it?
(Ivan) It's just a cutscene. Nate: Just for free.
Announcer: The Great Gargantuan Show!
Announcer: Where fear is the main attraction,
Ivan: Wow, I'm moving.
Announcer: Get your tickets now!
Ivan: This is great.
Worker: Want to ride?
Ivan: No. I. Don't.
Derby Head: Human against horrors in a mad dash through Horrorland!
Derby Head: Turn that trot into turbo, or you'll never catch up!
Ivan: Controls are a bit f-f-f-finicky.
Derby Head: Pick up the pace, human! Wouldn't want to be DEAD last!
Derby Head: I'm thinking of a word that rhymes with chump...
Derby Head: That's right, JUMP!
[horn plays]
Ivan: WOW.
Ivan: OKAY.
Skeleton: Test your strength on Dead Ringer!
Ivan: This looks simple. Skeleton: Hey, kid! Can you ring my bell? (laughs)
Skeleton: Hey, kid! Can you ring my bell? (laughs)
Ivan: If it's not the controller,
Ivan: NNGAAA!
Skeleton: 4 - Medi-ogre
Ivan: WHAT?!?
Ivan: ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!
Ivan: WHAT IS UP WITH THIS PIECE OF...
(transformation music)
[thunder crash]
[Ivan coughing]
Ivan: GGAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!
[bottle breaks]
[Shovelwarewolf howls]
[bell rings] Skeleton: 10 - Dead Ringer!
Shovelwarewolf: THESE MOTION CONTROLS ARE TERRIBLE!
Kid: Woo hoo!
Shovelwarewolf: THIS MINIGAME IS STUPID!
Shovelwarewolf: THERE'S BARELY ANY SKILL INVOLVED AT ALL!
Kid: Ow!
Announcer: Woah, watch your head!
[Shovelwarewolf screams]
Kid: Ow!
Kid: Ouch!
Shovelwarewolf: THIS GAME IS IMPOSSIBLE!
Shovelwarewolf: NO MATTER HOW GOOD YOU ARE, YOUR BOAT STILL HITS EVERYTHING!
Shovelwarewolf: THIS ONE'S DECENT.
Shovelwarewolf: BUT THIS GAME IS THE SAME AS THE OTHER ONE!
Shovelwarewolf: THEY JUST CHANGED HOW IT LOOKS, MADE THIS FINALLY FASTER, AND CALLED IT A DIFFERENT GAME!!
Shovelwarewolf: YOU CAN'T DO THAT!
Shovelwarewolf: IT'S COMPLETE CRAP!!
[Shovelwarewolf howls]
Announcer: Welcome aboard the Slime Flume!
Shovelwarewolf: SO IS THIS GAME!!
Shovelwarewolf: IT'S BASICALLY THE SAME AS COFFIN CRUISE!
Shovelwarewolf: THEY TOOK ONE OF THE MOST OBNOXIOUS GAMES, AND PUT IT IN HERE TWICE?
Shovelwarewolf: WHY??
Shovelwarewolf: HOW COLD THEY BE SO LAZY??
Shovelwarewolf: IT'S A GAME BASED ON MINIGAMES,
Shovelwarewolf: AND YOU COULDN'T CREATE ALL UNIQUE ONES!?!
[Shovelwarewolf gnaws on motion sensor]
Shovelwarewolf: AND THOSE AREN'T THE ONLY ONES THAT ARE RESKINS OF THE SAME GAME!
Shovelwarewolf: THE BACK OF THIS STUPID GAME'S BOX SAYS "30 THRILLING RIDES AND GAMES!"
Shovelwarewolf: BUT IN REALITY, IT'S ONLY ABOUT FIFTEEN GAMES,
Shovelwarewolf: AND FIFTEEN COPIES OF THE SAME STUPID, MISERABLE GAMES!!
[Shovelwarewolf howls]
[Shovelwarewolf gnaws on wii remote]
Announcer: It's Buzz Wire!
Announcer: You dropped the loop, keep going.
Shovelwarewolf: HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO COMPLETE THIS GAME WITHOUT BREAKING YOUR ARM IN THE PROCESS?
Shovelwarewolf: OOOGGH!!
Shovelwarewolf: THE MINIGAMES WHERE THE GAME ITSELF CONTROLS YOUR MOVEMENT,
Shovelwarewolf: AND ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS AIM AND SHOOT ARE PASSABLE!
Shovelwarewolf: BUT ANYTHING WHERE YOU HAVE TO RELY ON THE QUALITY OF THE MOTION CONTROLS
Shovelwarewolf: MAKE ME WANT TO DISEMBODY MYSELF WITH MY OWN CLAWS!!!
Shovelwarewolf: THE STORY IS FLAT, THE GRAPHICS ARE ROTTEN, THE VOICE ACTING MAKES MY EARS BLEED,
Shovelwarewolf: AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, THE GAMEPLAY IS COMPLETE AND UTTER TRASH!!!
Shovelwarewolf: I HATE THIS GAME!
Shovelwarewolf: IT'S TERRIBLE!
Shovelwarewolf: HOW DARE THEY PUT THE GOOSEBUMPS NAME ON THIS
Shovelwarewolf: AND LURE PEOPLE INTO BUYING IT!
Shovelwarewolf: MAY THEIR HONOR REGIONS BURN FOR ALL ETERNITY!!!
[Shovelwarewolf howls]
[Shovelwarewolf chows down on cover art]
(Shovelwarewolf theme plays)