>> Stephen: HEY! WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT IN A ROLL-NECK SWEATER
TONIGHT.
I LOOK COMFORTABLE... TO SIT ON.
YOU KNOW, IT'S ALWAYS GOOD TO GET SOME GOOD NEWS.
IT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD.
THIS MORNING, THE GOLDEN GLOBE NOMINATIONS WERE ANNOUNCED, AND
OUR FRIEND JON BATISTE WAS NOMINATED FOR A GOLDEN GLOBE,
ALONG WITH TRENT REZNOR AND ATTICUS ROSS, FOR THE SCORE TO
THE MOVIE "SOUL"!
HELL, YES!
IF YOU HAVEN'T-- IF YOU HAVEN'T HEARD IT, THAT SCORE IS TOW
BEAUTIFUL.
IT'S GOT SO MUCH...WHAT'S THE WORD I'M LOOKING FOR...
HEART?
MOXIE?
IT WILL COME TO ME.
ANYWAY, CONGRATULATIONS, JON, WELL DESERVED.
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN GLOBES HISTORY MORE OF ITS BEST
DIRECTOR NOMS WENT TO WOMEN THAN TO MEN.
IT'S THE GREATEST SHOW OF SUPPORT THE ENTERTAINMENT
INDUSTRY HAS GIVEN TO WOMEN SINCE MONDAY, WHEN SOMEONE TRIED
TO CHANGE THE SIGN TO HOLLYBOOB.
SOME GLARING SNUBS, INCLUDING A COMPLETE SHUTOUT IN THE BEST
DRAMA CATEGORY FOR BLACK-LED FILMS LIKE SPIKE LEE'S
"DA 5 BLOODS" AND GEORGE C.
WOLFE'S "MA RAINEY'S BLACK BOTTOM."
ONCE AGAIN, BLACK FILMMAKERS GET THE SHAFT, WHICH IS DOUBLY
INSULTING, SINCE THERE'S ALREADY AT LEAST FIVE "SHAFTS"!
MY CBS "LATE NIGHT" COLLEAGUE AND ONE OF THE STARS OF "THE
PROM," JAMES CORDEN, ALSO EARNED A BEST ACTOR NOD.
THOUGH IT SHOCKED SOME PEOPLE THAT HIS COSTAR, MERYL STREEP,
WAS SNUBBED.
THAT ONE I UNDERSTAND: MERYL WASN'T SNUBBED.
SHE'S ACTUALLY PLAYING HER PART AND JAMES CORDEN IN "THE PROM."
SHE'S THAT GOOD!
REGARDLESS, CONGRATULATIONS, JAMES!
BUT AS BIG A DEAL AS THE GOLDEN GLOBES ARE, I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO
CONGRATULATE ALL OF MY WRITERS, BECAUSE TODAY, THEY RECEIVED TWO
WRITERS GUILD NOMINATIONS-- ONE FOR THIS SHOW THAT WE DO EVERY
NIGHT, AND ONE FOR OUR ELECTION SPECIAL.■ç
WELL DESERVED.
YOU GUYS ARE THE PROS FROM DOVER.
AND THIS YEAR, I WILL BE ATTENDING THE AWARDS CEREMONY,
AS I ALWAYS DO, FROM HOME.
IN THE LESS-GLAMOROUS WORLD OF "THE WORLD," WASHINGTON IS IN
THE GRIPS OF WHAT SOME ARE CALLING THE G.O.P. CIVIL WAR.
IT'S LIKE THE FIRST CIVIL WAR, BUT THIS TIME, BOTH SIDES USE
THE CONFEDERATE FLAG.
NOW, IT'S A BATTLE THAT PITS TRADITIONAL REPUBLICANS LIKE
SENATE MINORITY LEADER AND MAN CHEATING ON HIS DIET WITH HIS
UPPER LIP, MITCH MCCONNELL, AGAINST THE QANON CONSPIRACY
WING LED BY GEORGIA REPRESENTATIVE MARJORIE TAYLOR
GREENE, SEEN HERE BEING PRO-LIFE.
HOUSE DEMOCRATS ARE PREPARING TO VOTE TOMORROW ON WHETHER TO
STRIP GREENE OF HER COMMITTEE ASSIGNMENTS BECAUSE SHE'S A
FOLLOWER OF THE QANON CONSPIRACY AND HAS ALSO SAID THINGS LIKE
MUSLIMS DON'T BELONG IN GOVERNMENT.
9/11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB.
THE SHOOTINGS AT PARKLAND, SANDY HOOK, AND HAS BLAMED WILDFIRES
ON A SECRET JEWISH SPACE LASER.
COME ON!
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
IF THERE WERE A JEWISH SPACE LASER, WOULD MEL GIBSON STILL
BE?
THIS AFTER IT WAS ANNOUNCED NO ACTION WOULD BE TAKEN AGAINST
GREENE BY HOUSE MINORITY LEADER MAN IN THE POST-TACO BELL BLAST
ZONE, KEVIN MCCARTHY.
BUT FOLLOWING MCCONNELL'S LEAD, SENATE REPUBLICANS ARE
DISTANCING THEMSELVES FROM GREENE.
INDIANA SENATOR TODD YOUNG CALLED HER "NUTTY" AND "AN
EMBARRASSMENT."
AND MITT ROMNEY SAID, "OUR BIG TENT IS NOT LARGE ENOUGH TO BOTH
ACCOMMODATE CONSERVATIVES AND KOOKS."
YES, ONLY ONE TENT CAN DO THAT: BARNUM & BAILEY'S "CONSERVATIVES
AND KOOKS" FREAK SHOW, FEATURING THE TWO-HEADED REAGAN!
THE WORLD'S STRONGEST NIXON,■ç AND, OF COURSE, MOST FREAKISH OF
ALL, THE HALF-MAN, THE HALF-GAETZ.
HE WALKS, HE TALKS, ME WALKS ON HIS BELLY LIKE A REPTILE.
NO PHOTOGRAPHS.
HE IS ALIVE.
PLEASE, NO PREGNANT WOMEN.
NO BREAST-FEEDING MOTHERS.
YOUR MILK MAY CURDLE IN THE TEET.
YOU DIDN'T KNOW I WAS A CARNEY FOR A WHILE?
I WAS A CARNEY BARKER.
EVERYONE HAS ONE OF THESE JOBS.
YOU DON'T GET ONE OF THESE JOBS WITHOUT WORKING AS A CARNEY FOR
A WHILE.
WHERE ARE WE?
OH, IN THE GRIPS OF A PANDEMIC.
I'LL KEEP GOING.
BUT ONE REPUBLICAN HAS FOUND A CREATIVE WAY TO DUCK THE
CONTROVERSY-- ALABAMA SENATOR TOMMY TUBERVILLE, SEEN
HERE ABOUT TO HIT ON YOUR MOM.
YESTERDAY, TUBERVILLE WAS ASKED HIS OPINION ON GREENE'S INSANE
AND HATEFUL VIEWS AND SAID THIS: >> I'D HAVE TO HLD BACK A
STATEMENT ON THAT.
TRAVEL IN THIS WEATHER, IT'S BEEN A LITTLE ROUGH LOOKING AT
ANY NEWS, OR WHATEVER.
>> Stephen: OKAY, SO, THE WEATHER KEEPS HIM FROM KNOWING
THE NEWS?
JIM, LET'S CHECK THE FIVE-DAY FORECAST.
YEAH, TOO MUCH SNOW MAKE DUMB.
YESTERDAY, WE GOT A PREVIEW OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S
IMPEACHMENT DEFENSE PLANS.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF
"DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH 2: GO FAST, WE'RE FURIOUS."
>> THEY FELL DOWN.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
OW!
I CAN'T FALL WITH THE FAKE NEWS WATCHING!
>> Stephen: THE EX-PRESIDENT'S LAWYERS CLAIM THAT HE DID
NOT INTEND TO INCITE HIS MOB OF RABID LOYALISTS, WRITING,
"IT IS DENIED THAT THE PHRASE 'IF YOU DON'T FIGHT LIKE HELL,
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HAVE A COUNTRY ANYMORE,' HAD ANYTHING
TO DO WITH THE ACTION AT THE CAPITOL AS IT WAS CLEARLY ABOUT
THE NEED TO FIGHT FOR ELECTION SECURITY IN GENERAL."
YEAH, HE WAS JUST TALKING ABOUT ELECTION SECURITY IN GENERAL.
IT REMINDS ME OF THIS FAMOUS SCENE IN "STAR WARS":
>> YOU MAY FIRE WHEN READY.
WELL, I DIDN'T MEAN FOR THAT TO HAPPEN.
>> Stephen: THE CRUX OF THEIR ARGUMENT IS THAT THE PRESIDENT
WASN'T A GUY INCITING AN ANGRY MOB.
HE WAS MERELY A GUY EXPRESSING FREE SPEECH NEAR A MOB HE
HAPPENED TO MAKE ANGRY, SAYING THE FORMER PRESIDENT BELIEVED HE
WON AND, THEREFORE, WAS WITHIN HIS RIGHTS TO "EXPRESS HIS
BELIEF THAT THE ELECTION RESULTS WERE SUSPECT."
AND THAT ARGUMENT IS BACKED UP BY CONSTITUTIONAL SCHOLAR GEORGE
COSTANZA: >> JUST REMEMBER: IT'S NOT A
LIE IF YOU BELIEVE IT.
>> Stephen: HE COULD ALSO ARGUE THERE WERE "VERY FINE PEOPLE" ON
"BOTH SIDES" OF THE SOUP COUNTER.
THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S ATTORNEYS ADDED THAT HIS ELECTION FRAUD
CLAIMS COULD NOT BE DISPROVED BECAUSE THERE WAS "INSUFFICIENT
EVIDENCE."
IN FACT, THE EVIDENCE WAS SO INSUFFICIENT THAT OVER 60
THREW OUT THE CLAIMS, MANY WITH TRUMP JUDGES, THREW OUT THE
CLAIMS.
FOR INSTANCE, YOU CAN'T PROVE THE FORMER PRESIDENT ISN'T IN
FACT A GIANT NOVELTY GUMMY BEAR THAT WAS CURSED WITH LIFE AFTER
ROLLING IN A PILE OF MAGIC LINT.
THE STRANGEST CLAIM THEY MAKE IS THAT THE EXPRESIDENT NEVER--
QUOTE-- "INTENDED TO INTERFERE WITH THE COUNTING OF ELECTORAL
VOTES."
OKay, THERE ARE SO MANY WAYS IN WHICH HE INTENDED TO INTERFERE.
HE SAID MIKE PENCE COULD STOP IT!
WHEN MIKE PENCE DIDN'T STOP IT, HE SAID MIKE PENCE WAS A
COWARD!
AND IMPORTANTLY, HE SCHEDULED THE RIOT FOR THE SAME DAY AS THE
CERTIFICATION, IN THE SAME LOCATION.
JENNIFER, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED IN THE SAME HALL
IN THE SAME DAY I'M PERFORMING MY ONE-MAN SHOW.
"DON'T MARRY PAUL, JENNIFER.
I STILL LOVE YOU.
THE MUSICAL!
STARRING: AN ANGRY MOB WHO KNOWS WHERE YOU LIVE."
A BIG PART OF THE FORMER POTUS'S ELECTION FRAUD CENTERS AROUND
DOMINION VOTING MACHINES, WHICH HIS SUPPORTERS CLAIM STOLE
VOTES FROM HIM WITH SINISTER, HIGH-TECH MALFEASANCE.
THOUGH HE MIGHT BE CONFUSING DOMINION WITH DA MINIONS.
NOW, DOMINION VOTING SYSTEMS HAS, A., NOT TAKEN THESE
REPEATED SLANDERS LIGHTLY, AND, B., HAS LAWYERS WHO HAVE
THREATENED OR ISSUED LEGAL ACTION AGAINST ROUGHLY-- AND I'M
ROUNDING DOWN HERE--EVERYONE, INCLUDING FOX NEWS, NEWSMAX, ONE
AMERICA NEWS, SEAN HANNITY, MARIA BARTIROMO, CONSPIRACY
LAWYER SIDNEY POWELL, AND RUSH LIMBAUGH.
SWEET MOTHER OF MALFEASANCE!
THERE HASN'T BEEN THIS MUCH LITIGATION SINCE MY
POORLY-RECEIVED TV SPECIAL "MICKEY MOUSE HUMPS THE OLYMPIC
RINGS ON THE COCA-COLA LOGO, WITH MUSIC BY THE BEATLES!"
IT WAS A GOOD SHOW, THOUGH, DAMN FINE SHOW.
IT JUST COST ME A PRETTY PENNY.
AND DOMINION IS PLAYING FOR KEEPS.
THEY'RE SUING, AMONG OTHERS RUDY GIULIANI, FOR $1.3 BILLION.
THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY!
RUDY'S NEVER HAD THAT KIND OF CASH.
ALTHOUGH, HE MIGHT NOW THAT HE'S STRUCK OIL.
ONE DOMINION CONSPIRACY NUT WHO'S NOT GOING TO BACK DOWN IS
MYPILLOW C.E.O., MIKE LINDELL, SEEN HERE WITH HIS PROM DATE.
YESTERDAY, LINDELL WENT ON RIGHT-WING NEWS-FREE NEWS
CHANNEL NEWSMAX, WHICH USED TO BE ALL-IN ON THE DOMINION LIE.
BUT SINCE RECEIVING A LETTER FROM DOMINION'S FLESH-EATING
ATTORNEYS, HAS DISAVOWED THAT, BECAUSE ACCORDING TO THEIR
STATEMENT: "WE HERE AT NEWSMAX ARE COMMITTED TO KEEPING SOME OF
OUR MONEY."
SO THE NEWSMAX ANCHORS TALKING TO LINDELL WANTED TO STICK TO
TALKING ABOUT HOW LINDELL WAS REMOVED FROM TWITTER, BUT MIKE
HAD OTHER IDEAS.
AND, WOW: >> WHAT HAPPENED WITH YOUR
TWITTER ACCOUNT AND THE COMPANY PAGE?
>> WELL, FIRST, MINE WAS TAKEN DOWN BECAUSE WE HAVE ALL THE
ELECTION FRAUD WITH THESE DOMINION MACHINES.
WE HAVE 100% PROOF.
AND THEN WHEN THEY TOOK IT DOWN.
>> MIKE, MIKE, I-- >> I PUT IT BACK UP, MY
PERSONAL-- >> MIKE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
MIKE, MIKE, YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT MACHINES THAT WE AT NEWSMAX HAVE
NOT BEEN ABLE TO VERIFY ANY OF THOSE KINDS OF ALLEGATIONS.
WE JUST WANT TO LET PEOPLE KNOW THAT THERE'S NOTHING SUBSTANTIVE
THAT WE'VE SEEN.
AND LET ME READ YOU SOMETHING THERE: "WHILE THERE WERE SOME
CLEAR EVIDENCE OF SOME CASES OF VOTE FRAUD AND ELECTION
RESULTS IN EVERY STATE WERE CERTIFIED"
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO, BOTH SIDES OF THE ARGUMENT.
ON THE ONE HAND, THE ALLEGATIONS WERE PROVEN FALSE, AND EVERY
ELECTION WAS CERTIFIED.
ON THE OTHER HAND: "HAWP!! HOP!
HOP! HOPPITA-HOP! STOP!
FIBERFILLED COMFORT!
WHAT DID THEY EXPECT?
THEY INVITED A PILLOW MAGNATE TO TALK ABOUT HOW TWITTER BANNED
HIM FOR SPOUTING INSANE CONSPIRACY THEORIES, AND THEN
THEY WERE SURPRISED WHEN HE STARTED SPOUTING CONSPIRACY
THEORIES?
A NEWS ANCHOR MIGHT AS WELL SAY: "FOR MORE ON THE DANGERS OF
DEMON-POSSESSED MONSTER DOGS, WE TURN TO OUR FIRST GUEST, CUJO.
CUJO, WHY DO YOU THINK--- AAAAGHHHH!"
( LAUGHTER )
DOWN, WITH MUCH MORE SCREAMING.
>> SO WE WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT CANCELING CULTURE, IF YOU
WILL.
WE DON'T WANT TO RELITIGATE THE ALLEGATIONS--
>> WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
>> --THAT YOU'RE MAKING, MIKE, BECAUSE WE UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU
ARE.
SO LET ME ASK YOU THIS: DO YOU THINK THIS SHOULD BE TEMPORARY?
BECAUSE IT APPEARS TO BE PERMANENT.
COULD YOU MAKE AN ARGUMENT THAT IT IS TEMPORARY?
>> WHAT?
>> Stephen: I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD AGREE WITH MIKE LINDELL,
BUT WHAT?
FINALLY, THE INTERVIEW ENDED THE ONLY WAY IT COULD:
>> OKAY, OKAY, MIKE.
CAN I ASK OUR PRODUCERS, CAN WE GET OUT OF HERE, PLEASE?
I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO KEEP GOING OVER THIS.
NEWSMAX HAS NOT BEEN ABLE TO VERIFY ANY OF THE ALLEGATIONS
YOU'RE-- >> MIKE, HOLD ON A SECOND.
EVERYBODY, HOLD ON A SECOND.
MIKE, MIKE, HOLD ON ONE SECOND.
LET'S TALK A LITTLE BIT ABOUT JUST WHAT IS HAPPENING OVERALL.
>> Stephen: AND JUST LIKE THAT, HE'S GONE.
HE TOOK A PERSONAL DAY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE INTERVIEW!
BUT I DON'T BLAME HIM.
NOBODY WANTS TO BE SUCKED INTO MIKE LINDELL'S BILLION-DOLLAR
LEGAL BLACK HOLE.
AND THAT ANCHOR IS NOT THE ONLY ONE.
>> EVERYBODY HOLD ON ONE SECOND.
LET'S TALK A LITTLE BIT ABOUT WHAT IS HAPPENING OVERALL, IN
TERMS OF CENSURESHIP.
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE SALMA HAYEK AND AUTHOR MARK HARRIS.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I SHOW YOU THE MONEY, THE NEW MONEYY WITH