- Oh, hello!
Water you doing up here?
Everybody's always talking about Joe Biden this,
and British monarchy that.
Piers Morgan is loose in a multiracial hospital.
Gender has made its way all the way into the bathroom!
How do we stop it?
Live and let live, I say.
You can't expect an H20.
Your take isn't problematic, but you're problematic
for not having enough problematic takes.
Paw Patrol is colonialist state propaganda, and you're
a bootlicker if you've ever watched it.
We said all cops.
Cast the pup into the abyss.
- I didn't even want to come to Adventure City!
I trusted you.
You said everything would be fine.
- Dracarys.
(Fire and explosions)
- A cabal of the richest, prettiest white girls on
the planet are all getting their albums produced
by one guy, and his name sounds and
looks quite a bit like Jackin Off.
How can we accept this?
These are tumultuous times, and I must use
my platform and voice in order to advocate
on behalf of the real issues.
A coward dies a thousand deaths.
The soldier only dies once.
Which water is best?
I'll be giving my top ten best waters shortly,
but first, for scale, the worst water of all time.
Dishonorable mention:
Porta Potty water.
No thank you, sir.
No, thank you.
I said, no thank you, sir!
Porta Potty water.
The phrase might instill a sense of disgust in you,
but I want to be fair to the Porta Potty.
If you're honest with yourself and you search
your feelings, you will realize you likely have
positive memories of Porta Potty experiences.
They've been there for you in a bind,
and if you're lucky enough to hop in a
brand spankin' new clean one, it smells
of sanitary chemicals in a pleasant way.
It ultimately could be a very efficient experience.
It's a solution to a problem.
But Porta Potties are exactly like missing your ex.
You can't just miss the good times.
It comes with the bad times.
They're inseparable.
Good Porta Potty deserves its due,
but bad Porta Potty is bad.
I know this is the worst water of all
time because I refuse to even look at it.
I don't want to know.
I stop breathing through my nostrils.
I'm in the bitch mouth-breathing like,
(Gasping)
So Porta Potty water
goes in the nightmare dimension on the tier list,
and we can start with my top ten.
Top ten types of water!
Top-
Number ten: The Water In Flint, Michigan.
I hear it sucks.
Number nine: Old Water.
Why is it worse?
So you leave a half glass of water
standing in your bedroom for a week.
Why worse??
Water doesn't go bad.
It doesn't oxidize.
It is two parts oxygen.
- You're wrong.
- Is that correct?
- No way.
- Or are there two hydrogens?
I know the name says it, but maybe
you put the quantities after the thing...
(Deep breathing)
Like I'm in a Porta Potty...
(Breathes in)
For some reason, old water,
even if you try to breathe new life into it by
putting ice cubes in it, you can still taste the old!
What's old about this water and new about that water?
There's a sink here.
And I can't identify the
taste of old water except for its low quality.
It's like boredom itself seeps into the
water from the universe over time.
Number eight: Warm Water.
I don't know how, but somehow
warm water tastes awkward.
Hot, crinkled, unopened
Dasani water bottle in the back of my car,
I rebuke thee and pray the
day of your necessity never arises.
Notice I specify unopened because it
technically means it's not old, only warm.
Warm water also pulls rank by being pleasant when you
put it on your face and the precursor to tea.
It's summon materia for Earl Grey.
- You're up.
- Mmm, delicious.
- Number seven: Ice Water With Little Ice Cubes.
These are annoying because sometimes I want to drink
a glass of ice water, but if they're too small,
they just launch themselves down your gullet.
You only have two options.
It's either like:
(Sip sip)
Or it's like:
(Gurgle gurgle)
There's no opportunity for a real, organic gulp
unless you want to choke to death.
Straws aren't real, and you've never seen one.
That's another sick fantasy perpetuated
by Big Juice Box.
I get that maybe you would be okay with pairing
the activity of the drinking the water and the chewing
of ice, but I need to be given an option.
I don't chew ice.
I'm not one of those people.
Just because you like eating ice doesn't give you
permission to force me to participate in your kink.
Eating ice is ridiculous, actually,
and you should be embarrassed if you do it.
Chewing water??
Do you see how backwards that is?
Look at that-
A tasty snack!
Dumbass.
Number six: The Snow At The Top of Mountains.
Eating snow is very different from eating ice,
because you don't have to chew.
The snow at the top of mountains.
I do want to put it in my mouth.
I'm not sure it's going to taste good.
(Blink)
It could either taste like the final pure thing on
this planet, or it could just... granite.
Granite and dirt.
But it remains a high value water for
me because of the tantalizing impossibility of it,
because I'm not climbing a mountain,
but if you come to me and you have snow
and you're like, look, I got it from the top
of the mountain, I'd be like,
Bullshit, that's normal snow!
I couldn't tell the difference unless
I witnessed it first hand.
But I'm not climbing the mountain,
so you see-
You see!
Someone needs to livestream themselves going up
the mountain and like, reverse Prometheus,
bringing the ice down to the Proles so I can watch it,
and I'll believe you!
Number five:
The Water From Kirby Air Ride,
released on the GameCube in 2003.
[ Kirby Air Ride: Opening ]
Two microphones!
Kirby Air Ride is a racing game released
by Nintendo, and it's also a religion.
It actually had a pretty troubled production history–
It was initially pitched for the Nintendo 64
under the title Kirby Bowl 64,
and it looked like this:
Glad that didn't happen.
It was intended to be a sort of branded
iteration of the classic arcade game Marble Madness.
For more information about the history
of marble games, check out Patricia Taxxon's
video essay, Marble Blast: A Retrospective.
She's funny and smart and passionate.
Very thoroughly knowledgeable.
Pathologically knowledgeable about Marble Blast.
And she was kind enough to make the
description of the video a quote by me!
That's me.
Thankfully, when Kirby Air Ride finally came out,
it didn't look like Kirby Bowl 64 or Marble Blast.
It looked normal.
And I and my older brother and my
childhood friends played the fuck out of it.
This game was not a massive commercial or critical
hit, but for some children, it was spiritual.
There are three game modes,
Air Ride, Top Ride and City Trial.
City Trial is the only one that matters.
The first two game modes meant nothing to us.
City trial was everything.
First step, go to the menu and change
the timer from three to seven minutes.
That's the maximum.
This is a party.
You're going to want to be here as long as possible.
Second step, you pick your different color Kirbies–
I always picked a white.
They called me 2%.
Everyone starts on a compact star, which
is supposed to be the worst star,
but if you power it up enough, you can
drive through buildings or fly into the sun.
If you fly high enough, you get on a
saucer that's in the sky for some reason.
The other way to access it is going
inside the volcano, and it launches you up there.
There's no explanation for these things.
So you drive around and explore the city and
you can hop onto other vehicles and break
open boxes that have items in them with
power-ups and power-downs and weapons and stuff.
You can pick up this spiky ball thing and as
soon as you throw it, you transform the landscape into
this eldritch horror apocalypse and die
by your own hand within seconds.
[ Carnage ]
You can die.
Your vehicle explodes and loss in
this game is really real.
The machine that you found and chose and have been
riding around powering up
this whole time explodes irrevocably,
and all of your power-ups spill all around you,
and you can't pick them back up
because you don't have a vehicle.
So you just watch the person that just murdered you
take all of your shit directly in front of you.
But if you keep the peace, the city is a magical place!
Dangers and wonders await you!
- Huge meteors are incoming and you
just freaking lose your mind!
- There's this vague three tiered structure.
What's it supposed to be?
I do not know what this is.
On the ground floor of that three
tiered structure, there's three launch pads.
The first one gets you to the first floor
and the other two take you to the top.
Nothing takes you to the middle
so that's clearly just broken!
Broken middle button.
No one fixed it!
And I love the water in
this game because it's so stupid!
Just a flat plane with a vaguely aquatic texture on it.
I also love how you can fly
out of bounds into the ocean.
[ Beyond The Sea plays ]
I was looking for some footage of someone demonstrating
this glitch, and I came upon this video by
tfdfdbjw2 called Kirby Air Ride Dragoon glitch out of bounds.
-Hi, guys, this is my little brother
playing around with the Dragoon.
- I was shocked and humbled to find
this was not a mere tutorial.
This is a found footage
cinematic serendipitous masterpiece.
Let me tell you about this.
The two kids in this video, and two characters
in this drama, are named Julian and Josh,
which you pick up after watching it four hundred times.
Julian has turned on the camera in order to
flex the fact that he unlocked the Dragoon in
this game, which is one of two legendary vehicles.
The first one is the Dragoon,
which Josh is currently piloting,
and the other one is the Hydra, which
is unstoppably powerful, travels at light speed–
This one flies into the sky.
The two genders!
You get the legendary machines in City Trial by collecting
all three of their pieces,
which randomly spawn in somewhat
predictable ways once you get the hang of it.
Once one Kirby amasses three pieces
of one legendary machine,
- Let's go!
- Your health goes off the fucking screen.
Boom, scaboom, zzzzz zhzhzhzh
And the Kirby, like, looks back at
you and he's all just like, yeahhh ;),
and then you're looking back at
him and you're like, yeahhhh ;).
- So in regular City Trial, you have to collect all three
of the parts in order to use a legendary machine,
but in Free Run, you have to actually
mark off some achievements
in the game in order to –
You have to do some things.
- Hell, yeah.
I got the motherfucking Dragoon, bitch.
You can go the goddamn Free Run and
play with the absolute best motherfucking ride.
- Hi, guys!
This is my little brother.
- So Julian's not foolish to be proud of this moment,
and ostensibly, he's sharing it with his little
brother, which is nice.
- It goes wicked fast.
It could fly forever.
- Therefore, appropriately, the first line of dialogue in
this film is Julian just arrogantly boasting.
- I bought this game yesterday, and
I already have the Dragoon.
This is not Free Run...
I mean, this is not City Trial.
- I love the hubris mixed with the fumbling of terms.
Heh... Yeah,,, I got the Dragoon.
And this is not Free Run.
Not- not City Trial.
It is Free Run?
And then immediately after the insane
amount of gravitas he puts on...
No time.
- No time.
- No time...
- No time.
- ...no time.
In City trial, there's a time limit.
In Free Run, there isn't a time limit.
The timer is going up instead of down.
It's just a simple fact of the game mode.
Anyone, no matter who they were, as
soon as they turn on Free Run,
there is no time,
so just being like,
- No time.
- Yeah, I got a Lamborghini...
with my parents' money.
I mean, with my money.
Cars go on roads.
Then after that incredible introduction to this
world, the drama and tension kicks in.
Josh keeps driving the Dragoon directly
into a wall and it's annoying Julian.
- How do you do it?
- What are you doing?
- This is how you do it!
- Do what?
This is how you..
bust through!
- Bust through what?
I don't know what you're talking about.
- The water!
- Josh, you can't bust through the water!
- Julian is so confident when he's like,
you can't bust through the water,
but Josh knows that you can.
But he also thinks his brother is like, smart and
probably right, so he tries to resolve this tension by
clarifying what he's going to break through, as in,
I'm not trying to break through the water on the floor,
i'm trying to go through this line.
The invisible wall.
- You can't bust through the water!
- The, like, line.
- You can't bust through the line!
- Now that they're both perfectly clear that they're talking
about the same thing, Josh goes quiet, because the
central narrative question is setting in on him.
He knows the truth, but he can't prove it!
He has the puzzle pieces all there.
He's just putting them together the wrong way.
- This is how you- bust through!
- This is not true.
That is not how you bust through.
But you can understand how
he generated this hypothesis.
The last time he got out of
bounds, he was on the Dragoon.
The barrier to getting out of bounds is this wall.
The Dragoon is very fast and powerful and special,
so maybe the sheer, epic nature of the Dragoon
by brute force punched a hole through
reality and freedom into the unknown.
But this isn't true!
It's just that the dragoon can fly high.
Anything that will fly high can just fly over it.
Do you like...
my little shuffle?
Julian copes with the cognitive dissonance
by insinuating Josh is lying.
- I know you can't, Josh...
Can't fool me...
- This only increases the pressure on
Josh to vindicate his name.
You can practically hear his knuckles cracking and jaw
setting in and his eyes narrowing when he goes,
Hmm...
- Hmm...
- Josh just keeps literally hitting his head against the
wall until Julian directly asks him a question,
and this changes Josh to, like,
a haughty defense mechanism.
- Hurry up, what the heck-
Josh-
Stop trying to do it!
Ughhh, this is getting annoying.
How long are you going to do this?
- This is very hard, Julian.
And I mean it's very hard.
- In good time, brother Julian...
This is not the task to be taken lightlyyyy.
- (Sighs)
Hurry up then.
- It's very hard.
- Hurry up!
- Then at the peak of the tension,
when Julian snaps again,
it's like, hurry the fuck up!
Seemingly by accident, Josh hits a ridge and
the Dragoon's flight power takes him away.
And finally, up in the sky, he realizes his mistake!
The problem was not to punch through,
it was to go beyond!
- What the heck?
Huh???
- What I love about this resolution
is Josh doesn't rub it in.
He has nothing to prove anymore.
You don't have to say anything
when you've so concretely emerged victorious.
And Julian doesn't apologize for impatiently mocking
and doubting, but he also, to his credit,
gives the best possible reaction that
a little brother could have in this scenario,
actually geeking out with genuine excitement.
- whjafjhasfhjaf??
How'd you get past that???
- This must be sooo vindicating for Josh,
oh my god.
Then, in perfect big brother form, he
works backwards to find a rational explanation
for the thing, and he's correct.
- Well, I guess there's like, some invisible
wall and you just flew over it wicked fast?
Or broke through or something?
Wooahhhhh...
Okay.
- Okayyyy.
A perfect little bow at the end of the journey.
This video literally follows a three act structure.
This is-
The monomyth fits on this.
I left a link to the video in the description.
I highly recommend you watch it.
Anyways, I like the water in Kirby Air Ride.
That's number five.
Number four: Ice Water With Big Ice Cubes.
I can say generally I don't love water as a drink.
I generally wouldn't choose still water as a drink.
But ice water...
You know, perhaps I
would like a little taste of that.
For several years now, this has been my
go to mode and medium for consuming water.
Regular new water, ratified and imbued
with beauty and excellence via the
magic effect of colder, harder water.
Water is water.
Ice water is a drink.
Number three:
The Integrated Advertising Campaign Between Acclaimed
Japanese Animated Film Kimi no Na wa
and Suntory Natural Mineral Water.
Anime is good at making food
and drink look particularly sprumpious.
(Speaks in Japanese, My Neighbor Totoro)
- This is not a controversial observation.
Please, God, bring back 2D animation.
So perhaps it shouldn't be as surprising as
it is that the creators of the hit
film Your Name partnered with the water bottle
industry for a mutually beneficial promotional gambit.
That's right, Your Name,
this beautiful and tender movie produced three
ad spots with Suntory Holdings Limited.
In these insane little segments, Mitsuha and Taki liken
their soul bond that traverses time and space with
a refreshing taste of bottled Japanese Dasani.
These are so perverse!
It's like Mother Teresa starting an Only Fans.
- Not that there's anything wrong with that.
- Not at all.
- These star-cross soulmates struggled against
the strands of destiny
just to remember each other's names,
but the only name you have to remember
is Suntory... available at your local grocery-
However, in one of these TV spots, there's
a shot of Mitsuha cracking a water bottle,
taking a gulp...
Delectable.
Damn, that looks satisfying!
(Shaky breathing)
Number two: The Brita® Filter.
I had someone from Vancouver here that
was saying Toronto water tastes like shit,
and I was resentful, I was like, shut up!
It's fucking water!
Puts some ice in it,
it transforms it to the best kind of water.
But...
they were like, get a Brita Filter.
I resent it, but I did it and...
I am loathe to admit they were right.
This is like with the benefits
of ice water without the ice.
And it does taste cleaner.
It tastes cleaner.
Ultimate water is getting the snow from the top
of the mountain and putting in the fucking thing.
Mearhp mearhp mearhp!
What if it just screamed every-
(Screams)
(Screams louder)
I also really like the game that you get to
play with trying to get it full, because you can
only fill it so much and then you have to
wait for it to filter.
it's like every time you remember,
and you have the fridge open, you're like,
Mmmm...
Could fill the Brita a bit.
When this thing's full it's a hoot!
I don't know,
something about it just really brings out my white side.
Hey, you don't have to drink tap water.
We have a Brita!
What a nifty little gizmo!
Now all that's left is the number one type of water.
Hose Water.
Why Hose Water Taste Better?
Let me paint a picture for you.
It's summer.
You're a kid.
You don't have responsibilities or depression yet.
You whip out the slip and slide.
You whip out the water guns.
And the hose is the ultimate power!
You can use the hose in
imaginative ways for many water games.
You can put your thumb into the nozzle
to make it go,
phzzzzzzz
instead of like,
acgahaghhh
You can spray it into the mouth of a dog,
and it is funny!
You can combat assailants such as raccoons with it.
And after you've done all that,
you can even take a little sippy!
A little sippy from the stream.
It's so good.
And the fucked up part is
they don't want you to drink it!
- It's something many people say they did as a child,
but experts now say hose water
probably contains potentially dangerous chemicals.
Come on.
- It's always somethin!
- Come on, man!
- I'm sorry.
- Everything online tells you not to drink hose water,
which just makes you want to drink it more.
Forbidden nectar!
Here's an article for Global News that
literally is titled "Why You Should Think
Twice About Drinking from a Garden Hose."
The tone of that, what are you hiding???
It sounds like one of those articles that's
like, 'why you should think twice about landlords,'
and it's written by a landlord.
I'm like, you're gaining something from
me not drinking the hose water.
I can fucking tell.
Anyways, that's it.
That concludes my list.
I feel like there's only one
appropriate way to end this.
[ Fourthhhhh microphoneeeee ]
Bitch.
[ Quit by CJ The X ]
Thanks for watching until the end of the video.
Remember, if you like this, you want
to see more content like this,
you can always dig a hole in your
backyard and bury yourself inside of it.
If you keep just kind of nosing at the
dirt, eventually something's going to emerge from it,
and what that's going to be is the Eternal Worm.
It's going to swallow you, and your
consciousness is going to be subsumed inside
of this kind of mass consciousness.
Like, you're going to become part of the
Everworm, is what we like to call it.
There's the Eternal Worm, which swallows you, and you
become part of the Everworm, which is kind of
mythology that follows the existence of the great beast.
You see, you see a terrifying and inexplicable
thing, and then you start to construct mythos
to create meaning out of the chaos.
That's kind of how shit happens, right?
So I'm just saying,
if you want to get swallowed by the Eternal Worm
and become part of the Everworm, which is, again,
the long stream of many
lives that have happened before
you all finding meaning in their suffering, ultimately.
Like, If you're thinking back on your life and you're like,
damn, I can't think of actually, like
purpose to some of the damage and
the harm that I've seen around me,
just the simple fact of injustice
and inequality that you're constantly experiencing,
surely the turmoil and strife that comes with the mere
fact of existence does not inherently justify, I don't know,
the tiny spots of joy that you get inbetwixt.
So if you're wondering about all that, you just
need to become part of the Everworm, and
then you're finally going to understand the long history
of the many lives that have come and gone.
And you don't mean anything individually, but
when you take them all into account,
you finally understand the whole purpose of
humanity and why everything is worth something,
and the main worthiness is that you get to
be consumed in shadow by the Eternal Worm.
That's really why people are alive,
so just let Nietzsche know.
Let them all know.
Stop worrying.
Shut the fuck up.
Donate on Patreon.
You're a bitch.