Hi again!
It’s your favorite billionaire CEO, Tim Apple!
It’s that time of year again.
Get out your wallets, tip out all your cash, and send it my way.
The iPhone 13 is here!
With a brand new range of colors – Youngblood, Virgin Milk, BLM, Blue State, and my personal
favorite, Gay Time Pink.
These are all the colors that you’ll ever need in an iPhone.
.
Not only do we have these flamboyant new colors, we also have the brand new Ceramic Shield,
tougher than any smartphone glass known to man.
If only Abraham Lincoln had one of these bad boys, and happened to be wearing it on the
back of his head, he’d still be alive today.
New Ultra Wide camera reveals more detail in the dark areas of your photos.
It even fits in the iPhone mini.
At Apple, we just love fitting big black things in small pink holes.
That’s just what we do.
Night mode senses low-light scenes and automatically adjusts to take bright, clear photos with
amazingly rich colors.
If your boyfriend is wearing a bright pink neon hat, never fear, Night Mode will make
him look even better than ever.
Doesn’t that look fantastic!
It really brings out the pink in his hat!
Portrait mode artfully blurs the background to put the focus on your subject.
You can try out six creative lighting effects with a swipe.
Don’t you love these effects?
They look so natural, don’t you think?
Cinematic mode automatically creates beautiful depth effects and focus transitions.
If you don’t like looking at ladies, just click on a man and they’ll magically look
right at you!
Mmm, nice!
With the durable flat edge design and the Super Retina XDR display, the iPhone 13 comes
in at a massive 6.1 inches, with the mini coming in at 5.4 inches – both of which
are bigger than my dick.
But that’s what you want in a phone, isn't it?
Something that can really impress the men…
I mean the ladies…
I mean the men.
Smart HDR 4 now recognizes up to four different people in a scene and optimizes contrast,
lighting and even skin tones for each one.
So everybody looks their best!
Dark gray skin, bright white hair, and green finger nails.
Nice!
The Ultra Wide camera gives you a wide field of view even when you’re up close to what
you’re shooting.
So you can capture more of the scene without stepping back.
See, we didn’t even have to step back when this wild bear entered our field of view.
In this one, you can even see what seems to be a sausage coming in from the right hand
side.
Amazing, isn’t it?
It’s amazing what you seen on the streets of New York!
Privacy is built in.
iPhone helps put you in control of your personal information.
All your information is stored on our secure servers located in places where privacy is
important.
.
Good design is good for the planet.
Our stores, offices, data centers and operations are already carbon-neutral.
Our established final assembly sites now send zero waste to landfill – we just throw it
in the ocean.
Every time you buy an iPhone, that helps me pay for my private jet to fly around the world
during the pandemic to help save Planet Earth.
Your money is helping me save the planet one aviation fuel tank at a time.
No-one does 5G like iPhone.
The world is quickly moving to 5G.
Streaming, downloading, new covid variants — everything happens so much faster with
5G.
With Smart Data mode, iPhone will downshift automatically to save power when you don’t
need all that speed.
It will recognize when you have been vaccinated and turn off 5G until your next booster shot
is due.
.
Deck it out with iPhone AirPods.
You too can look like you’ve got a golf tee stuck in each ear.
Remember, the iPhone 13 is your new superpower.
A superpower that only costs you as little as $1349.
Man, we’re practically giving it away.
You’re welcome.