- A major system is zipping across the region.
Outside temp right now, eight degrees,
but it feels like 20 below.
Jamie.
- Well, stay off the roads if you can, folks.
Lots of reports of black ice.
- Ooh. You gotta watch out for that dangerous black ice.
It's transparent and sneaky. Hard to see black guy.
- That's right, Marcy.
Keep your loved ones safe,
and warn them to stay off the street tonight
because of menacing, life-robbing black, black ice.
- Isaac.
(upbeat beatboxing)
- Y'all, for real though,
this right here?
- Yeah.
- This goes out to all our fallen homies, yo.
Come on. - Hey, yo. Real talk.
- All right.
(liquor splattering)
- I mean,
it just seems like a waste, right?
Does that make me a dick?
Okay. I'm a dick.
Okay. I'm a dick. - Come on, man.
- Let's go. - I'm a big ol' dick.
- Okay, here...
For our homies.
(liquor spatters)
- Come on, man! - What you doin'?
- Okay, okay! - It's a damn beer, man.
- Okay. Fine, fine.
Glug, glug, glug. Glug, glug, glug.
- No. - Come on, man!
- Hey man, you got your thumb in there.
- Okay, okay.
- You need to respect our homies!
- Oh, okay.
For the homies.
- What? (beep) trash beer?
- What? Come on.
Hey, beer is beer!
Geez, I cannot win on this!
- What?
- Fine. I'm not on board with this, but I'll do it.
(liquor splattering)
- Hey, what you doin'?
What you doin'? - Oh, really?
That don't count?
- Oh, hey, put that...
That's not... oh, man.
- Ah. It's more of a symbol than a gesture.
Somebody back me up on this. Right?
- Hey, man. - Pour it out.
- That's disrespectful right there.
You just do it.
- Fine, fine. I'll pour it out.
I'll waste the damn beer then.
You know, I'm just not a waster, you know?
I save everything. Jamal knows.
If he eat a piece of pizza and don't eat the crust,
I eat the crust.
If we do a drive-by shooting,
I will go back for the shell casings.
Not to hide the evidence,
but because you can recycle those.
They have value, man.
Just like this beer.
I can't waste nothing, y'all.
It's physically impossible for me to waste this.
I can't do it.
Jamal, can you pour it out for me?
(liquor splatters)
Oh, man. Come on, man!
- I mean, it's not gonna bring 'em back.
- Stupid.
- It's not gonna bring em back.
(he gargles)
- I don't care.
- You're gonna see the situation,
- I don't care.
- And I'm trying to help people out.
- Not over here. - No. No.
Okay. You know what, Jacquelin?
- I don't know. What?
- You need to think about yourself sometimes
before you start insinuating yourself
in other people's business.
- Well, you know what DeNice?
I'm going to insinuate myself whenever and wherever I please
'cause it's a free country, bitch.
(crowd oohs)
- Uh-uh. - Uh-huh.
- Uh-uh. Okay, you know what?
- Oh, we doing this?
Okay, so we going do here babe, okay.
So, we doin' this.
- Yes, we are about to fight now.
- Bring it on then, bitch. Let's go.
- I ain't even playing.
'Cause you know what? Step to me, then.
- I wish you would step up. - Step to me.
No, I would love for you to step to me.
- Right now, bitch. - I really would.
- Bitch, you just talking.
- I don't even care. - That's the problem.
'Cause you talkin' now. - No more.
- And that's all you're doing.
- Call me a bitch again.
- Oh, yeah? Okay. - Call me a bitch again.
- No. See what happens. - Your wish is granted.
Oh, see what happens? - See what happens.
I would like to see what happens.
I would love to see what happens.
- Oh, you do?
- Oh, absolutely.
So why don't you come and bring it then, bitch.
(crowd oohing)
- See, no, you are riding my last nerve,
and I ain't even playing no more.
I am not even playing no more.
- Oh, it's on? Then let's do something, okay?
You wanna go?
(girdle rustling)
(crowd oohing)
Do somethin', bitch. - Uh-uh.
- Ha. There we go. Let's do something.
- Uh-uh.
- Eh-heh.
- Uh-uh. - It's ah-hah.
- It's ah-hah. - Uh-uh.
Let's do something, bitch.
(crowd oohs) - What?
(zipper rattling) (dramatic music)
(hands smack)
- [Kids] We told you not to mess with us, bitch!
- Y'all just saw that bitch
turn into two little girls, right?
- Well, all right, friends.
The first fight of the evening
will feature one of my slaves
versus one of the slaves of my distinguished guest,
Mr. Jacob Dixon.
- You know Robert, I hope you're as gracious a loser
as you are a host.
(both laugh)
- All right. Enough talk.
(fingers snap)
- (sighs) Now,
fight you devils! Fight to the death!
(Jacob laughs) (dramatic rhythmic music)
(hands smacking)
- Hey. - Hey.
- Um, question. - Mm-hmm.
- (chuckles) How do we get out of this thing alive?
- It's really simple.
Just let me pretend to kill you.
- Hmm. Maybe it just makes more sense
if I pretend to kill you.
- Yeah. I just, I wanna make it believable, so.
- Well, that's what I was going for too.
(walking stick booms)
- What the blazes is going on over there
in that endless clench?
Tear him apart!
- Okay. - Aw. Oh, you get-
(both grunting)
Just die from this. - From this?
- Just, you know what?
Just, something doesn't feel right.
So if I can just, if I just,
let me, go with me here.
- Oh. (both growl)
- That was it. That was it.
This feels much more real, so.
- Really? What? Why?
- Sorry, what do you mean, why?
- Fight, by god!
- I'm getting frustrated now.
- Dammit. Kill!
(halfhearted struggling)
- No, not a thing. Not a thing.
- I think I can get,
mm, I'm gonna get 'em. I got 'em.
- Let get you though. - Just lemme get you though.
- No, let me get you.
Let me get you. - It was my idea.
So, can I do it first?
Let me get you. - Let me get you, though.
Just like a sec. - Let me get you.
- Can you just let me get you for a second, please?
- Let me get you. - I'll let you.
- Stop fighting like sissies, and kill each other!
- Oh, okay. (both growling)
- So, just check this out.
Alright, we'll back up,
And you run at me real fast.
Just do a bunch of spins and kicks and flourishes.
And I'll just knock you out one punch,
and then you're dead.
- No. Wait, wait. - What?
- I'm sorry. So you can look cool? No, thank you.
- If someone doesn't die soon,
I will kill you both.
- Thank you.
(he growls) (fist thumps)
(he moans)
That's my boy.
(he growls) (fist thumps)
(he moans)
(he growls) (fist thumps)
(he growls)
- You are not getting stronger from my punches.
- Yes I am, though!
- Come here.
- Listen, listen. Let's be fair, okay?
We both slam into each other, and we both die. Fair?
- That's fair.
(both growling)
One! - This'll be good.
Two!
- [Both] Three!
(men's chests thud) (men grunt)
- What? - Oh, you son of a bitch.
- What? - You were never gonna fall.
- You didn't even try to fall.
- What the hell? - Oh.
- You were never-
- It's the fakest thing is your-
(hands smacking)
No, don't like that.
- No, don't hit me. - Oh, what's that?
- [Slave Owner] What in tarnation are you two doing?
(men cross arguing) - You got my balls.
- Hey, everybody.
War's over.
Slavery is abolished.
Sorry.
- We'll call it a draw. - Done.
- Good for you though, huh?
- Thank you?
- Let's go.
- Well wait, before you,
no, no, no, no, no, no.
Hold up, hold up.
- Just if we may, if I may,
who do you think would've won the fight?
- Yeah, between the two of us?
- You will be in room 237, and you have free wifi there.
Also, from 6:00 a.m. to 10:00 a.m. every morning,
there's a free continental breakfast.
- Mmm. Continental breakfast.
- Yes. From 6:00 a.m. to 10:00 a.m.
- So, it's continental then?
- Mm-hmm.
- Very good.
- Hey, garcon,
ah-hah, a one admission for the continental breakfast.
- You can just help yourself, sir.
- Mm, interesting.
European style. (chuckles)
(magical orchestral music)
(sighs) When in Rome.
(cereal clatters)
Hmm. The forbidden fruit.
(cereal crunches)
(chuckles) Well, aren't you a tiny plum?
Well, la dee dah. (chuckles)
Paper and everything.
And who are you, my little friend?
Not a spoon, not a fork, but something in between.
A fo-poon. (chuckles)
What will you think of next, Germany?
Ah, (chuckles)
all of the European countries lay before me.
Where should I fly to first? (chuckles)
Ah. (classical music)
The pit of the donut.
Mm. Thank you, Turkey.
Mm, buckle up. Let's see where we shall go next.
Ah, the Danish. (chuckles) Clearly from Brussels.
Mm, mm, mm, mm!
Hello, Greece. Where the yogurt flows like water.
(yogurt slurping)
Mm, yes. Like Go-Gurt, but to stay. (chuckles)
Mm. Mm! So good!
Mm, pulling into Spain.
(banana crunches)
Mm, baked to perfection.
Can you believe this?
It all comes with the room. Mm-hmm, hm, hm, hm!
(swelling orchestral music)
Mm! Mm!
Oh!
Yes!
Mm! I love being in continent.
I love being in continent.
A delight to the senses!
Isn't it my friend?
Isn't it? (music crescendos)
Yes! I'll have what I'm having!
(dramatic music swells)
I'll have what I'm having!
(he sobs) (melancholy music)
(sobbing) It's so good.
It's so good.
- Oh, good afternoon, sir. How can I help you?
- Well, Davis, I will be staying indefinitely.
- But sir, don't you know that you've always been here?
(casual music)
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- Continental breakfast?
- Right around the corner.
(instrumental waltz music)
(music fades)
- The right triangle's longest side
is called the hypotenuse.
And it's this side here.
- Hey.
- [Teacher] You see the longest one?
- I wish I were high on pot noose.
(both laugh) - [Teacher] The three sides
- "I wish I was high on pot noose."
(class laughing)
- (laughing) Okay. Okay. Okay.
Mr. Morrison's very funny. It's very funny.
But let's get back to the lesson.
And we can see the longest one
where it goes from this point-
- That was my joke.
- I know, man, that was hilarious.
- [Teacher] Of a triangle.
I've labeled them here, A, B, and C.
- No, but I mean, I said that.
I said it. I said it.
I said that!
- Please, please, Mr. Jackson,
keep your comments to yourself.
Thank you.
(sighs) Now, the hypotenuse it, (laughs)-
(class laughing)
Mr. Morrison, you really got me on that one.
So, great.
Oh, oh, Principal Martel!
Principal Martel, come here, come here, come here.
Tell Principal Martel what you said, Troy.
- Oh, she was talking about the hypotenuse,
and I said, "I wish I was high on pot noose."
(everyone laughs)
I'm sorry. (laughs)
He likes it.
Principal Martel's cool.
(laughter continues)
- That's very funny.
- Principal Martel.
Principal Martel?
I said that.
- Mr. Jackson, that is enough!
- But, I said it first.
- Mr. Iglesias? Mr. Iglesias? Yes.
Come in, come in.
(class gasps)
- Yeah? What's up, peoples?
- Fluffy.
- Comedian Gabriel Iglesias
is touring the local schools today
for a charity he's working on.
Tell him what you said. Tell him what you said.
- Oh, "I wish I was high on pot noose."
(everyone laughs)
- (laughs) Oh, my god. That is clever.
That is clever. Very funny. Very funny.
- Right? Thanks!
- No, wait. Mr. Iglesias, Mr. Iglesias!
I'm your biggest fan.
That was my joke.
- You know, it's not really cool, buddy,
to take credit for other people's jokes.
Hey, listen, funny stuff.
I'm doing this big tour right now.
You wanna see about, maybe,
we could talk about you opening?
I need an opener.
- What?
- Oh, sure. (chuckles)
- [Gabriel] What do you think? Is that okay?
- Of course. Of course!
- What?
(class murmuring)
- Great talent, man. - It's nice to meet you.
Thanks so much.
- You're like a Richard Pryor.
Get over here, man. Come on.
- Richard Pryor. (chuckles)
(Joe panting)
- He deserved it.
All right, so across from the longest side
is a 90 degree angle.
- Good thing I've got a 90 degree dangle.
- Joe, stop it!
You will never be Troy!
- Why are you trying to be like Troy?
Dick!
- Et tu, nerdy girl?
(she chuckles)
- So the hypotenuse-
(everyone laughs)
- What the (beep) is going on?
- I'm gonna piss my pants!
I'm gonna piss my pants right here!
(class laughing) Oh, my god! Oh!
(upbeat music)
- Good evening, St. Paul. It's your City News at Five.
I'm Jamie Thornberg.
- And I'm Marcy Whitchurch.
Winter weather advisories are in effect
across central Minnesota tonight.
With more on that, weatherman Isaac Labuda. Isaac.
- Thanks, Marcy.
A major system is zipping across the region.
Outside temp right now, eight degrees,
but it feels like 20 below. Jamie.
- Well, stay off the roads if you can, folks.
Lots of reports of black ice.
- Ooh, you gotta watch out for that dangerous black ice.
It's transparent and sneaky.
Hard to see black guy.
- That's right Marcy.
Keep your loved ones safe,
and warn them to stay off the streets tonight
because of menacing, life-robbing black, black ice.
- Isaac.
- We have Channel 17's field reporter,
Darren Hepner, with more. Darren.
- Yeah.
I'm standing out here in a historic Ramsey Hill
where there are currently no cars on the street
due to hazardous driving conditions.
- Darren, are you talking about black ice?
- That's right.
- Ooh, Jesus. It's frightening just to even say black ice.
- It's scary, tricky, ruthless stuff, that black ice.
A perfectly safe neighborhood can be suddenly terrorized
by the appearance of black ice.
- Well, one must keep in mind
that just because black ice looks different than white ice,
it doesn't make it any more dangerous.
Also, one must remember how hard it is
for black ice to survive,
what with the authorities trying to destroy it
with the snow plows and the salt trucks.
But black ice perseveres.
- Ah-huh. That's right. That's right.
And as you can see right now,
the city is being controlled
by lots of oppressive white snow,
making it hard for all people to advance.
And we don't hear much news about that, now do we?
- No, we do not!
- Well, thank you very much, brother Darren.
- But let's be honest, black ice is the real menace.
Last night, I was in a perfectly safe neighborhood
walking away from an ATM machine
when black ice just snuck up on me,
and practically robbed me of my balance.
- Ouch. That sounds exactly
like something black ice would do.
- Well, I just hope that folks watch out
so the white snow doesn't blind them,
and keep them from seeing what's really going on!
- All I'm saying is I can't think of a single Christmas song
about black ice.
Lotsa cheerful, uplifting songs about snow, so.
- (chuckles) Well, for the record,
black ice never asked to be out here!
- No, it did not!
- It's a product of the environment!
- Woo! Hallelujah!
- In fact, black ice didn't land on the road,
the road landed on black ice!
- Woo! Amen!
- Okay, next up.
Why is America being ruined by black people?
(upbeat music)
(mellow beatboxing music)
♪ I want you ♪
♪ But I don't need ya ♪