- Welcome to Bless Your Rank, my name is Matt.
Today we're ranking Biscuit toppin's.
That's toppin with 's, not toppings.
We don't do that here.
Leave the G's at home.
Biscuit toppin's.
(upbeat music)
If we're gonna be ranking biscuit toppin's
we're gonna need some pretty good biscuits
and the biscuits today are provided
by Mason Dixie Biscuit Company.
The best biscuits in the south.
And so by default the best biscuits in the world.
Think you can make better biscuits than we can down here?
Don't even try me.
Don't even.
I'll come to your house
and I will fight you.
Man, these things are gigantic.
That's like a double decker.
If I put this on the ground right now
in Mississippi this would be the tallest
building in Mississippi.
If I just put it on the ground.
What are we judging the toppin's on?
That's a great question.
And it's one that my producer
makes me answer every time.
I think that we're looking for deliciousness,
tastiness and scrumptiousness.
I mean who are we fooling?
I don't care what it looks like.
It's not about the appearance.
it's about what's inside.
Only ugly people in 2020.
If you're sitting at home
and you're ugly, guess what?
2020 is your year.
Let's jump right into this biscuit madness.
Competitor number one, chocolate gravy.
Here we go.
Some of y'all might not be familiar with chocolate gravy.
It is in fact a southern thing.
But it's more like a Tennessee valley kind of thing.
And a lot of you may say hey,
that looks like you just made breakfast into a dessert.
And you would be absolutely correct.
That's exactly what we've done.
It's just, it's just chocolate.
So here we go.
And yeah that's pretty much the best thing
I ever had in my life.
It feels a little wrong to call this breakfast,
but this has gotta be more nutritional
than a bowl full of Fruity Pebbles.
I mean what, that's all sugar.
This is sugar plus a biscuit.
So yeah mom I am eating a healthy breakfast.
I just covered it in chocolate pudding.
Oh man, I've never ended a biscuit rank after one.
I like everything that I think
we're putting on the biscuits today.
I really have no idea how this is going to end up.
You could put probably anything on a biscuit.
And I'm still gonna eat it,
within reason.
I'm pretty sure we can just call it a day.
I could just keep eating this.
Yeah this is so good.
I've never heard anyone say chocolate gravy
is disgusting.
Like there's a reason this is not widely available,
'cause we would all be dead.
Chocolate gravy, incredible.
Just try not to go overboard with it.
And it's definitely easily in first place right now.
Whatever's left of that.
That's pretty gross to look at probably,
but trust me it was delicious.
Boneappetit. (laughing)
Competitor number two is honey.
This is a substantial container of honey.
This could probably satisfy Winnie the Pooh
for at least 30 minutes to an hour.
How many bees had to die for this honey?
I don't know how honey works.
I just imagine you go in there
with like glove that looks like a bear paw.
You reach in to a tree, a honey tree,
like a honeybee tree,
and you go pardon me bees.
In that voice and only in that voice.
You have to stumble up to it.
Pardon me bees.
Bear hand in there.
Pull out a good amount of honey.
I guess you just shake the bear hand vigorously,
and let the honey flop around into a series
of containers you laid in the ground.
And after enough honey flopping,
and that's the scientific term.
Then you fill up a container
and you sell it at whole foods for $45.
And that boys and girls is where honey comes from.
The More Matt Lies.
And it's not a star, it's just like a dumpster
that's on fire.
Okay here we go.
Woo look at that.
This is the prettiest of the biscuit toppings.
Look at this.
Look at the way I'm doing this right now.
I could sell that right there
for $12 down in Buck head in Atlanta.
Yeah I'm a chef.
Yeah I could sell this right here
to some girls trying to sober up
from a bachelorette party in Nashville
at brunch for $20, easy.
Just straight up honey on a biscuit.
Oh man.
Oh that's good honey.
I'm gonna be honest with you,
while I said that I enjoy all
of the toppin's that we're gonna eat today,
that was pretty much already decided
that there's no way honey is gonna win this thing.
But it is a strong contender.
'Cause it's hitting the spot.
I don't know how reached into the honey bee tree
with their bear mitt,
but they really go the good stuff on that swipe.
This, as the kids say, slaps.
(laughing)
This really rears back and slaps.
Hard, hard as hell.
I'm gonna have to say I think in the moment
I was enjoying the chocolate gravy
more than I'm enjoying this honey
even though honey on just a biscuit
is pretty incredible.
If I put a little butter on this,
maybe it would move up to first place.
But no, one topping at a time.
Therefore, honey is in second place.
Competitor number three, gravy.
And yes I do keep a small container
of gravy attached to my hip
at all times in a holster.
I open carry gravy.
Do you have a problem with that?
That's my second amendment right.
I think that's how that works.
Here we go.
Make sure when you eat a gravy biscuit
that you open your biscuit up,
if you ever see anyone pour gravy onto a biscuit
without first opening the biscuit up
they are a monster and you should run.
Also if you ever see anyone dip their biscuit into gravy
they are murder and you should call the police.
Here we go.
Just gotta, yeah there's really no precision to this.
Gravy's gonna do what gravy's gonna do.
This gravy was made by our good friend Jack.
Not the restaurant Jax.
Here we go.
I'm just now realizing something
as I eat this biscuit.
I'm questioning everyone about myself.
I don't think that,
that plain, plain Jane
saw mill country gravy,
unseasoned straight up is that great.
Right now instinctively I wanted to reach for the pepper.
There is no pepper.
I've got none.
If this was super peppery gravy
with some sausage bits in it,
oh wait what do we have here?
Is this fair?
Can I do this?
Okay here we go.
Oh too, little hard.
Eh, we can make it work.
Okay that helps.
Country gravy all by its lonesome,
there's no way it's better than these two.
This is not the best thing that I've had so far.
I'm questioning everything I know in my life.
Do I wanna double check my birth certificate
to see if I'm really from here?
I'm questioning all of that right now.
Who am I?
Regular old white saw mill country gravy.
Y'all are gonna give me a hard time about it.
I'm gonna say gravy's in third place.
There I said it.
I said it.
I know that's a hot take in the south
and you can roast me for it
and I probably deserve it.
And I kind of regret it already.
Come on.
Let's go.
Let's do this.
Woo.
Competitor number four is jams.
That's my jam.
Two types of jam so this is,
I guess we're just ranking the whole jam experience.
We'll do a little strawberry on this end here.
And we'll do some,
we'll do some grape over here.
Look at there.
Could they help each other?
Could they hurt each other?
The drama.
The suspense is killing me.
Strawberry jam
is so good on a biscuit.
It puts gravy to shame, honestly.
If you prefer grape over strawberry jam
you're missing some taste buds.
And grape overpowers the taste
of anything else that you're eating it with.
This is okay, but it's just not
doing the biscuit any favors.
We got any other kind of jams?
We got that pepper jelly I've been hearing.
Did we get pepper jelly?
Well I'm disappointed now.
I think I'm ready to eat the whole thing
of strawberry jelly.
Ranking the jellies, the jams, preserves,
the mushy fruit,
lumping them into one,
there's some that are really, really good
and there are some that are just for children.
This one, grape.
Grape.
We can't just go ahead
and take it at it's very best,
we've gotta just go across the board.
It's an adequate biscuit.
And so I think that jams, grapes, jellies,
mushy fruits and such,
that's in fourth place
even though I destroyed that strawberry jam.
If we're ranking just strawberry jam it's number two.
Whole family of jams and jellies fourth place.
I'm done justifying myself.
This is my Bless Your Rank.
If you're arguing about it,
just know that I don't hear you.
But we like it 'cause it's engagement.
Go ahead and get this biscuit prepared
for its ultimate demise.
At the hands of competitor number five,
grade A dark maple syrup.
Just maple syrup.
I don't know why I said the whole thing.
Maple syrup, competitor number five.
Also what's the point of this on syrup?
Am I supposed to hold it like this?
What's the point of this?
What is the point of this?
I'm not excited about this.
This is a thing that people do apparently
and I don't agree with it.
This belongs on pancakes.
Did Hulk Hogan put this cap back on?
Or am I getting weaker?
Are biscuits my kryptonite?
Product of the USA and Canada.
Oh, it's like a collaboration.
Maple syrup by Canada featuring USA
and T-Pain.
Do, do, do, do.
This feels so wrong.
I'm not excited about this.
I mean I love syrup
on the appropriate food items.
That's just pretty,
that's strange but good.
That's like eating a chubby waffle.
I like that.
I feel like the biscuit does an excellent job
of soaking up the maple syrup.
You would only wanna do this with like real maple syrup.
This is not bad.
This is way better than I expected.
It feels weird to do it,
but I like it.
Will I put maple syrup on all my biscuits from now on?
No, I will not.
And you know what,
you might as well just go full Buddy the Elf here
and go ahead and top it off with a couple sprinkles.
Why not.
Now we have two of the major food groups.
All right I don't hate that,
and I'm worried about what that says about me.
I think maple syrup on a biscuit
has opened my eyes to a whole nother way
that biscuits can be enjoyed.
I don't know, a lot's happened here.
I learned a lot about myself.
I learned a lot about biscuits,
a lot about life.
Oh no.
I'm okay.
All right I think I'm ready to do this.
Maple syrup on a biscuit is better
than plain old country gravy on a biscuit.
I know.
Am I going to lose sleep tonight?
Absolutely.
It's probably due to my heart racing
'cause of all the sugar.
I think by itself
I think the best possible biscuit
is smothered in chocolate gravy.
(applauding)
And if you've ever had chocolate gravy before
I think you could completely agree with me there.
Do I feel good about my decisions today?
Yes.
Do I feel good physically?
No, I've consumed a lot of biscuits and sugar
in a very short amount of time.
So if you'll go ahead and add me to your prayer list now
that would be great.
(upbeat music)
hey, special thanks to our sponsor,
Mason Dixie Biscuit Company.
They are the best biscuits in the south.
Check them out in your grocery store freezer section.
They come in all kinds of different flavors.
We got just old plain ones here
'cause we destroyed them with sprinkles.