I still live on a farm, no joke.
We grow specialty mushrooms
on our farm.
We grow a bunch of specialty
mushrooms.
I know what some of you
are thinking, not
those specialty mushrooms.
(audience laughing)
We're called Carolina Mushroom--
Carolina Mushroom Farm.
We've got a big sprinter van
with big mushrooms over the side,
says Carolina Mushroom Farm.
And every time I pull up
to a stoplight, some dude looked
like he'd escaped from Colorado
goes, "dude.
(audience laughing)
"You got some good mushrooms?"
(audience laughing)
Yes, sir, I have all my mushrooms
are good mushrooms.
"No, I mean the kind that really are
"good."
I go, ours are great on pizza.
(driving sound)
Here's the problem.
We're farm to table.
That's a big thing now, everywhere
in the country.
Farm to table, so you know where
your food's coming from.
So we're farm to table.
We sell a lot of stuff
at farmer's markets.
Now, here's the problem.
My son-in-law and my daughter
pretty much run the farm.
Me and my brother and sister own it.
We sell a lot at farmer's markets.
And there's a big farmer's market
at Raleigh, has about 10,000 people
on a good Saturday.
And we got to deal with people who
have no idea where
mushrooms came from,
who have no idea what farmers
actually do, and they don't let me go.
Because I used to have a really
great filter between here
and here, 100 mesh, stainless steel
filter, where it would say
don't say that, don't say that,
don't say that.
Now I've got a raggedy wore out
Mr. Coffee between here and here.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, what this air fryer--
As I have turned 60 I have become
Walt Kaslowski from
the movie Grand Torino.
(audience laughing)
Some of y'all seen that movie,
have you?
"Get off my porch!"
Get out of my yard!
They won't let me go to the farmer's
market.
We were kind of in a bind.
We had to go to the farmer's market
but didn't have enough people.
We usually have to have two people
at the market.
They sent me.
My son-in-law says, "Dave, look just
"hand them the mushrooms.
"We sell them.
"All you need to know is,
"they mushrooms.
"They for sale.
"Don't tell them how, why, what.
"Don't say nothing to people.
"Because you're not good
"with people."
I'm a corporate speaker.
I'm a comedian.
Exactly.
(audience laughing)
on the back.
We go to the farmer's market
and it was hand over fist, just
shoving mushrooms at people.
We're selling like crazy.
About 1:00, it eased up.
My son-in-law says, "I gotta run
"to the restroom.
"I'll get us a couple of hot dogs.
"Remember, they mushrooms.
"They for sale.
"That's all you got to say."
I'm standing there.
My son-in-law hadn't even got out
of the way and I see this Karen
coming up.
You all know what I'm talking
about with Karen?
This chick couldn't have been more
of a Karen
if it was tattooed on her forehead.
(audience laughing)
She's standing there looking at me
like this, looking at our mushrooms.
We have a big booth, Carolina
Mushroom Farm.
She walks up and goes,
"is this a family farm
"or is this a corporate farm?"
And I knew I'd be cooped up.
They mushrooms.
They for sale.
"I know that.
"But is it a family farm?"
I go, look, lady.
Me and my brother and sister
own this farm and my son-in-law
runs it.
It's a family farm.
"Well, why does it say
"limited liability corporation?"
So when people like you get sick,
you won't sue us.
(audience laughing)
And I just kept modifying.
She goes, "I've got some questions
"to ask before you sell me
"these beautiful mushrooms you've
"got laid out here."
Oh, good.
(audience laughing)
take a nap
"Are they non-GMO?"
They mushrooms.
They for sale.
(audience laughing)
And the aces were 1 or 11
depending on how many naps
You don't spray them with Roundup.
(audience laughing)
Idiot.
(audience laughing)
That's good for the body
"OK, good.
"So they're non-GMO?"
Yeah, they're non-GMO.
They mushrooms.
They for sale.
And they say it helps you
(audience laughing)
process anger.
I just found the closer my face got
to my rear end, the angrier I got.
"Are they gluten free?"
- Oh.
(audience laughing)
Look, look.
They mushrooms.
They're not wheat.
They're not bread.
They're not flour.
They mushrooms.
They for sale.
"Oh good.
"One more question and then I'm
"going to buy
"these beautiful mushrooms."
Oh good, I'm looking forward
to this $8 sale.
(audience laughing)
"And this is the most
"important because, whatever you say
"I just don't eat
"anything unless it's organic."
Well, it doesn't look like to me
you've missed too many meals, lady.
(audience laughing)
That's why I should not--
but I said it under my breath.
Unfortunately, she had
under your breath hearing.
(audience laughing)
Kind of like my dad, you know?
When I was growing up, my dad would
say something like, "I'm going to slap
"you into the middle of next week."
I'd go, could you make it tomorrow
because I got a test I haven't even
studied for one bit.
(audience laughing)
My dad's idea time out was how long
it took you to come to.
(audience laughing)
Because I promise you,
that was a man that was the cure
for ADD.
He could get your attention.
(audience laughing)
Now getting back to the mushroom
lady.
"Are these organic?"
Yes, they are.
"Are you sure?"
Lady, I picked these mushrooms
at 5:30 this morning.
And if you saw
what these mushrooms
are raised in, that's as organic
as it possibly gets.
(audience laughing)
You don't believe me,
smell my finger.
(audience laughing)
Cause that don't come off.
(audience laughing)
That will stick with you.
(audience laughing)
You put
on these disposable plastic gloves
That's a true story.
I ain't even made a word of that up.
I ain't smart enough to make one
word that up.
People do stupid things,
I just write it down.
(audience laughing)
And you just--