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Hey guys my little little bees I love you, guys, how's it going today?
Today I want to talk to you about how I knew I was trans
Holy, moly I've been on YouTube for 11 years, and I've never talked about this topic
hunty come on so how did I know that I was trans well here's the thing here's my little story for you
I (elongated)
was
Very very tomboyish as a child, and I would take my dad's clothes and wear
And he'd get mad at me, and I would take my dad's girlfriends son's clothes
And they would get mad at me
So I didn't know what to do and I remember one time my dad's girlfriends son. We were the same age
He said you can't go play with us. It's only boys and I was so offended
I was like, but I'm part of you, and I didn't know what that meant in my head
I'm like but im you
Just there was no there was a click that didn't it wasn't there
So what I did is I wore all of his clothes, and I went to hang out with him, and I was like oh
I'm new I'm a new kid in town and I wa
Why well I have barely any memory from that time period of my life
Why are all the memories related to gender hmm you think there's a connection there hmm?
so I was always really boyish and really tomboyish and
When I was in elementary school my dad, and I lived in hotels a lot and motels actually motels. Sorry and
um
Because we got kicked out of our house
we had to live in motel and for months some time one time we lived for a month and then a motel and
My elementary school found out and they were like oh you're poor
We're gonna give you clothes, so they gave me like a second-hand clothes bag in like a garbage a big garbage bag
I got home, and I remember opening it up and seeing y'all
I'll never forget see I got barely any memory the only memories
I remember all have to do with gender and all of these these things that click in my head like this
Open it there was these baggy jeans and this like you know
I like that style so I had the baggy jeans I was yes awesome, and then there was this sweatshirt
And it was like really baggy. It just made me feel
so
Good to have this clothes that was super masculine that I actually got up on the bed
And I started jumping on the bed in the motel lit. I promise you this happen and I just
Such a in
memorie that I have but I was one of like the best days that I had so after this I
Got to high school, and this is when I wore like spongebob shirts and like baggy pants. Oh my god
You see pictures of me like yo, I wear skinny jeans now. I literally can't handle anything
That's not super tight like they're basically tights on my legs. I can't imagine that the pants. I would they were so baggy
oh my god, but my dad was upset and he wanted me to wear girl clothes, so we went to the mall and we
Got this like sweatshirt tight and pants that were like Puma or some
Kappa Puma some shit like that and it was it was the deal was I'll give you
$100 a week if you wear that outfit twice
And it was really hard because I would walk down the hall
And I remember this one guy was like sitting at his locker, and he'd be like what yesterday you were a boy now
You're a girl. What is this that hurt me so much that I was like no
I'm not doing this anymore, so I started to wear the baggy clothes again, and honestly like I'm thinking about it now
It's giving me a lot of like I'll talk about this often because it's it was hard
this is this is like the this that I was I was like 12 13 at that time, and it was just
yo, if we had as many, I just wish YouTube was a thing back then and that we knew what trans people were and
We had heard of a trans person. It would have me in my life. I
Don't know I don't know how my life would have been honestly, but it would have been different
Maybe so I think my dad kind of gave up on trying to get me to wear girl clothes although
He always wanted me to wear dresses
And he's like you better wear a dress for my birthday and things like that which is so funny because my dad is so open-minded
He used to drive me to the village and literally say hi boys
I'm back like literally all the time because my dad used to live in the village when he was younger like
Come on. Why he was so it was so interesting to like know how open-minded
He was but how close he was to this also keep in mind that this was at the same time that I have starting puberty
And I didn't have a mom or a mother figure. I would just lived with my dad
And that was like a really awkward
Experience because I haven't talked to my dad about any of that because I didn't want to because that's really awkward so I kind of
Had to like deal with everything myself and back
Then we didn't Google things like that wasn't a thing that we did so I kind of had to like
My dad had got me this mmm magazine for my for my birthday my twelfth or eleventh birthday
And I remember going through and there was it was like all mm, and it was great
But at the end it was like a Q&A and it was about like puberty and girl puberty and like
periods and stuff and reading that was my source how I
Figured out all of this stuff was from that little Q&A in that magazine so it was really hard for me
I didn't want to like deal with it. I don't wanna accept that wanna talk about it so what I do
I didn't I just read in a magazine so um
fast-forward to me being in high school and being a little bit older and finding YouTube and
Finding the trans people on YouTube I my lif- woo it clicked
Honestly like I sat there at my desk. I remember it like it was yesterday
I wish I could do like I wish I was like rich, and I had like a studio
And I feel like recreate what it looked like maybe one day maybe one day
I'm sitting at my desk, and I'm clicking on some videos
No idea what and then I click on one and it's somebody who's really angry, and I was like
I don't understand who is this person a lesbian like what is this? Why don't understand? What is this and
Then I realized they're trans guy, and I'm like trans guy what's that?
And then there was another link of a person whose name was t-girl something. It was the T-word though T
Girl's something and I look at it t-girl and it was a trans woman, but I was confused
I was like would that be a t-boy. I was so confused and to this day
I'm like where did I know what trans people was because I didn't know I knew that men dressed up as women
How how I think?
speculation that I found that on the podcast that had like an epiphany, South Park
I think South Park is the reason why I knew that men dressed up as women and could turn into women
But of course women can't turn into men I didn't even know that was a concept so when I found that out like oh
My god, and I just strike. Oh my god. Oh
emotional I I just everything kind of
Fell into place and it all made sense and and it all made sense
But it also didn't because everything that I had experienced my whole life from that moment on I was like oh my god
This is why but then the other part of me was like absolutely not. This is disgusting. I'm no one can accept me
There's no information online, which means there are no people like this
I don't know anyone like this. I can't tell my dad. I don't want to lose my dad
I don't know what to do so I kind of ignored it
And then I let it go and I never mind and then it came back months later, and I was like shit
It's back. I tried to repress it so hard that it just came back and
It was even harder, so what I do is I took my dad's credit card
And I bought $200 worth of books on Amazon about trans things if you found them, and he was like what is I'm like
It's research come on daddy come on click it hunty. I read all these books and I feel like a different person
I don't understand gender and trans people as much as I think I do, but I
Feel like I am in a state of distress honestly
and I think that my English teacher in grade 10 could could feel that or grade 11 could feel that because
She wanted to like talk to me afterwards and we have to do a public speaking thing every year
Where you do like a five minute public speech, and I couldn't do it in front of the class I was too anxious
Why would I why would I choose gender identity as a topic I don't know
So I did it at the end of class in front of her and just another student and that was like the first time ever
In my life that I feel like I I I?
I was real, and it was
It was so strange and I
Still I knew that there was something that was up with me, and I knew that I was somehow somewhat trans
But I didn't even know what that meant and I kept going back and forth there so long as I'm trans no
I'm not yes. I am no I'm not I throw out things
I have to buy things again to the point where I was just like okay I
Have to accept this sorry. I'm having such an intense flashback right now
I've like literally getting a much music credit card prepaid credit card when I was 16 or 15 and
buying a binder and buying a and
And I just awesome honestly
And it's so funny because early to bed is literally the first place where I got a packer, and it's just so funny that
literally eleven years later, I am
Sponsored by them and we we have an awesome relationship, and I review toys for them
And we are we were just great collaborators together
so I think that the reason why I know I'm trans is because of the back and forth and because of the
Repressing my trans identity so much that it kept coming back so hard listen kids you want to rule in life
Don't repress anything cuz it's just gonna come back full force
Twice as hard as it was the first time and I'm saying this from experience from
Repressing being trans repressing wanting to go on T. Not wanting to go on T
Getting off of t wanting surgery not wanting so all of these things in my life
I've repressed for so long that it just came and the second it hit me
I was like I need to do this right now, or I'm gonna die is what it felt like so
The back and forth and the the knowing that it was gonna come back the making trans videos
Deleting them going to them box and going delete forever and thinking in my head. I'm gonna regret this one day
I'm gonna regret this one day. I'm still gonna delete them
Why because a part of me was like I don't want to be trans as disgusting and the other part
of me was like this is a cycle. It's just gonna come back around
Yo, I'm so mad at my younger self for deleting those videos
But nothing I can do so that's cycle and back and forth. I just had to accept it. It was almost like okay. I
Just have to deal with it, and it was it wasn't like yay. Best day of my life. I'm trans it was like f--k
Have to deal with this because I couldn't go on with my life if I didn't deal with this
And I'm so glad that I did it was such a slow process for me. Honestly and I
Couldn't even admit it to myself out loud or to my friends. I'd wait til after high school
I had an appointment, and then I told my friends
I was like I'm gonna go to gender therapy and they were like oh, that's good. We love you
No matter what and I was like oh?
I
should have done this years ago, but I
reflect back now at this time, and I seriously feel like I'm about to cry because
This is the time period that caused me the most distress and yes teenage years is hard for everyone absolutely
But when you add that you're trans on top of it yo come on. This is too much and
and just knowing that I was
Going to be discriminated against my whole life and people weren't going to accept me was so hard to accept
But when I finally was like I gave into this feeling this cycle. I was like okay
You win I'm so glad. I'm so glad that whatever power whatever whatever dysphoria
I had took over and and really made me see that the I you're gonna be a much better
I can't you know I can't even imagine having to go through that cycle
If I never gave in to that feeling I would have to go through that cycle my whole life
I don't even know where I would be right now. Honestly. I feel like I wouldn't be alive because
Realizing and accepting and knowing that I was trans
Saved my life. Anyways a little heavy for this topic
But that's kind of like the big part one of how I knew I was trans and then the second part is basically my transition
and
And what solidified and and kind of reaffirm my identity for me and all the steps that I took even going off of testosterone
Helped me realize that yes. This is the right decision this is who I am anyways I'm done
I'm like I need a moment right now
Please let me know what you think in the comments below. How did you figure out that you go?
How do you know how did you know that you were trans let me know in the comments below
Let's have a discussion about this, and thank you so much for joining me
I love you as always you guys are the best people in the entire world. I love you. Thank you for joining me
Have a great day. Bye
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