It's time for another ask me anything video and today we're talking about grey rock and what you can do when it doesn't work.
So let's get started. (Closed captioning provided by Athena Moberg and
CPTSDfoundation.org). I'm Angie Atkinson and this is toxic relationship rehab where I help you discover,understand and overcome
narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships. So if you want to evolve and become the best possible version of yourself,
hit that subscribe button,stick with me and let's get going. Today's question comes from a viewer who wants to know,
how do you deal with the constant attacks of a narcissist when you're using the grey rock method and
you're being as professional as you can possibly be? Well, let's talk about it.
First things first, you have to understand that grey rock is not a long-term lifestyle choice,
I mean don't get me wrong it works, but you'll drive yourself crazy if you try to live this way at long-term.
Let me explain, the grey rock method is only to be used
as a temporary tool, you use it as a way to deal with a narcissist that you don't have to deal with on a regular
basis who for whatever reason you cannot go no contact with. For example,
co-parenting or
someone you work with and you can't change jobs right away or if you're dealing with getting ready to go no contact from a narcissist
but you're not ready to do it yet for whatever reason, you use the grey rock method,
but before we get into what to do when the grey rock method doesn't work, we're going to talk about exactly what that is
very briefly for those people who aren't aware and we're going to talk about how you can use it effectively.
So grey rock is a simple but highly effective method of dealing with
narcissists and in a nutshell
it means that you respond to the narcissist briefly, as briefly as you can and as
factually as you can. So just the facts and as quickly as you can, no emotion when you're using grey rock,
you don't want to give them any of your emotion, instead
you keep it as boring and monotone as you can, you stay detached and you keep it as vague as possible,
then if the
narcissist treats you badly, you ignore it. If they respond in a way that you don't like or in a way that is
triggering for you,
you ignore it,
you go on like they didn't react at all. If they act like they're not getting it, the method that you're using
they don't understand what you're doing or they poor me you to death you simply go on with it,
you keep going and you don't react at all to their reaction.
Same thing for if they irritate you or upset you, keep going and ignore the response. You see where I'm going with this, right?
So what do you do when it doesn't work?
Well, first we have to figure out exactly what not working means here, right?
There is a possibility that you are succeeding in grey rock and that's why you're being attacked. Let's talk about it.
The thing that we all have to understand is that the whole goal of the grey rock method is to avoid being too
emotionally upset by the narcissist, to avoid allowing them to hurt you emotionally and to keep yourself calm so that you can maintain your peace
despite their negativity.
so if you are staying calm and you're not getting those negative feelings
in your gut and you're not letting your emotions get the best of you, grey
rock is working. Now if you find yourself unable to control your emotions, that's pretty understandable.
However, if that's the case,
then you're gonna have to cut back on how much you are dealing with the narcissist in order to kind of get your arms around
it and then you can kind of practice a little bit at a time
another reason grey rock might not feel like it's working is because when it is working the
narcissist gets more upset, but here's where you have to be really careful because if you can push through that hard part,
it's gonna get better,
they will eventually decide that you're kind of boring when you stop reacting to that,
but it can take a while and this is especially true when you first start doing it, if you've never done it before.
Kind of look at it like a little toddler throwing a temper tantrum, like a toddler
they will keep throwing the fist, like kind of fight a little harder against what you're doing because like a toddler they might think they can
get their way if they do that, but don't give up, don't stop here, this is perfect,
you're kind of winning this thing when they start acting up, of course if in any situation, you're not safe
you have to leave and in fact, you don't even have to explain why you're leaving, you can just walk out the door,
but remember this, just like when a toddler's having a temper tantrum and they can't get what they want,
they turn it up a notch, they try harder for a while,
eventually the toddler gets exhausted and gives up and takes a nap or whatever, but let them get exhausted,
that's the only way that their behavior is going to change, is if they get exhausted and give up, hang in there because grey rock
is difficult to implement, but easy to continue once you get going, once you recognize the freedom it can give you.
Narcissists are weak and acting angry and pushy and aggressive in many cases makes them feel strong. When we're talking about a covert narcissist,
they're less likely to scream and act crazy, more likely to go into silent treatment mode when this happens,
use this to your benefit as a way for you to start to go no contact or at least to pull way back on contact
and protect yourself. Something that's really important to remember about grey rock is that it allows you to save your emotional energy,
instead of breaking down, you have to remember that narcissists are like energy vampires,
they
seem like they almost suck away your energy in the same way that a vampire sucks away your blood, because they need it for fuel
and that's what we call narcissistic supply.
You will find yourself feeling less upset when the narcissist tries to engage you if you stick with the grey rock rule,
but you might be worried that the person's getting too angry or too upset just to remember that you can always
eemove yourself from the situation if necessary, even if just temporarily. Remember too that since grey rock is not designed to help the narcissist,
it's designed to help you, at this point you're worrying about your own protection,
you can't be worrying about how the narcissist feels right now.
You have to worry about protecting your own emotions and your own mental health and physical health, because if we're being honest
narcissistic abuse most certainly affects us physically as well. It's your responsibility to try to protect yourself here
and this is why we teach gray rock in the first place.
Side note, the term gray rock was actually coined by someone named Skylar who wrote about it on a website called 180rule.com.
I actually wrote a very detailed post about this several years ago on QueenBeeing.com so you can check that out there if you're interested.
You have to recognize that when the grey rock method starts to work,the narcissist is going to spin out.
I did a video about that called the Narcissistic Whirl and I'm gonna link it for you right here,
make sure you take a look at that because that will kind of go into more depth about the normal ways that a
narcissist will react to this type of behavior,
but the reason that we do it is because eventually the narcissist becomes bored with us and moves on, maybe they torture someone else instead, but they move on.
The other thing that happens is that when you only give the narcissist attention when they do well, when they do
positive things, chances are they're going to try to do more positive things and treat you better, because they really need your attention.
Let's compare them to monkeys.
Remember that monkeys are known to fling their poo
and if you happen to get hit with poo when a monkey's around it's because you happen to be near the monkey,
it's not because of you.
It's the same kind of thing with a
narcissist, they fling out their insults and their gaslighting in their manipulation on whoever will listen,
but it's not really about that person,
it's really about them doing what they do.
If you're being guilt-tripped by the narcissist for not showing too much emotion,remember that
this is about their own needs not being met,
remember that the cause of any sort of negativity in the relationship is not about you,
it's about them and their abusive behavior.
When a narcissist tries to run a guilt trip on you for not giving them your emotion or giving them the
narcissistic supply that they want, what they're really trying to do is hurt you and sort of
Unload their own pain, you're sort of using you like an emotional dumpster. Don't let it happen to you, let them feel their pain,
it's no longer your problem, it's no longer your job to resolve that for them.
Now it's time for you to take care of yourself and isn't it about time?
Please remember that you deserve to be loved,you deserve to be cherished,
you deserve to be treated with love and respect. If you are in a relationship with someone who is not doing that for you
I hope you're making a plan to get out, don't waste your energy on people who don't deserve it.
If you can't get away right away,use the grey rock method,get really good at it, even if you have to cry later,
don't let the narcissist see your emotions, you don't owe them anything.
If you are in a situation where the narcissist isn't any way physically abusing you,
you don't have time for grey Rock. You need to go get some help right away.
Make sure you go talk to someone. There's an organization called Safe At Home,
go look them up for your state and see if they can get you out faster or go talk to a domestic violence shelter.
Do something to get yourself away,
even if you have to sleep on someone's couch for a few weeks until you can get on your feet,
don't stay a minute longer than you have to remember that you're important and that you're not alone.
Alright, now this brings me to the question of the day and the question of the day is have you struggled to use grey rock with
a narcissist and what do you think it was that was stopping you from succeeding or
is it possible that you were succeeding and you didn't know it because
when they reacted the way that they did you didn't hold out because you were afraid?
Share your thoughts,share your ideas,share your experiences in the comments section below and let's talk about it.
Just a heads up World Narcissistic Awareness Day is coming soon,
it's happening on June 1st and I'll be one of the future speakers. There here is a quick preview of part of my interview
But so often people are like I had no idea because what do we think of you know,
when we think of narcissism we think of somebody who looks in the mirror too much or
somebody who thinks they're too sexy or whatever, but in reality
you know you and I both there are so many people out there that you would never suspect,
like the minister or the you know, the Girl Scout leader or your husband or your wife or you know,
because there are so many different types of toxic narcissist... Before I go I'd like to say a really fast
thank you to everyone who subscribes to my channel,watches my videos,likes my videos,shares my videos,comments on my videos,
you helped me by doing that because you helped me to spread the message just a little bit further to
survivors who need to hear it and
to my channel members, those people who support me through the YouTube membership program, thank you so much,
it means the world to me, as I always tell you it is literally my mission in life to do what I'm doing here and
with your support I can do more of it, so thank you again.
And as always, thank you so much for being a part of my day in a part of my life
and hey, thanks for letting me be a part of yours, it really does mean a lot to me. I'll see you soon.