WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
THANKS SO MUCH.
PLEASE.
FOLKS, WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
HAVE A SEAT.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYBODY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S GOING TO BE A GREAT ONE,
ALL RIGHT, CLEAN SLATE.
EVERYBODY GOT YOUR NEW YEAR'S' RESOLUTIONS.
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: GOT ANYTHING GOOD?
>> Jon: YEAH, I WANT TO TRY TO BE A BETTER FRIEND.
>> Stephen: ARE WE FLENDZ?
>> Jon: WE ARE FRIENDS.
>> Stephen: I THINK WE'RE FRIENDS.
WE GO OUT TO DINNER AND SHARE SECRETS.
>> Jon: WE'RE NOT JUST TV FRIENDS, WE'RE REAL FRIENDS.
>> Stephen: ACTUAL FRIENDS.
YOU'VE BEEN A VERY GOOD FRIEND TO ME.
>> Jon: I EELLIKE YOU'VE BEEN A GOOD FRIEND TO ME AND I'M GLAD
TO KNOW YOU.
>> Stephen: COULD I BE A BETTER FRIEND?
>> Jon: I DON'T, I DON'T-- I'LL GET BACK TO YOU ON THAT.
>> Stephen: SOUNDS LIKE I COULD BE A BETTER FRIEND.
I HAVE A NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION.
MY RESOLUTION WAS TO HAVE OPRAH WINFREY ON THE SHOW.
AND SO FAR.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IS SHE STILL HERE?
SHE'S HERE.
OPRAH'S HERE.
YEAH.
YOU CAN TELL THAT OPRAH'S HERE.
ALL THESE LIGHTS ARE RUNNING OFF THE ENERGY PUT OUT MY HER BODY,
ALL THE POSITIVENESS.
ANYWAY, IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK.
I'VE KIND OF MIS BEING OUT HERE WITH YOU GUYS AND YOU GUYS OUT
HERE.
YOU KNOW WHO ELSE IS BACK AT WORK THIS WEEK IS THE CONGRESS.
AND TODAY-- BIG FANS.
BIG FANS OUT THERE.
( BOOING ) TODAY IS THEIR FIRST PREJUDICIAL
DAVE WORK, BUT REPUBLICANS THOUGHT THEY'D COME IN YESTERDAY
JUST TO GET A JUMP ON IT.
THEY'VE GOT SO MUCH THEY PROMISED TO DO: DEFEAT ISIS,
CUT TAXES, FIX OUR TRADE DEALS WITH CHINA.
SO, NATURALLY, THE FIRST THING THEY DID YESTERDAY WAS
EVISCERATE THE OFFICE OF CONGRESSIONALETHICS.
YEAH, THEY GUTTED IT IN A SECRET VOTE WHICH SEEMS, WHAT'S THE
WORD?
UNETHICAL.
IF ONLY THERE WAS SOME OFFICE IN CONGRESS THAT COULD INVESTIGATE
THAT.
SEE, HERE'S THE DEAL.
INSTEAD OF HAVING AN INDEPENDENT OFFICE TO LOOK INTO THE ETHICS
OF THE PEOPLE OF CONGRESS, REPUBLICANS THOUGHT IT WOULD BE
BETTER FOR CONGRESS TO INVESTIGATE ITSELF.
IT'S LIKE IF KIDS GOT TOGETHER AND SAID, "LISTEN, SHANA, YOU'VE
BEEN A GREAT BABYSITTER, BUT WE TOOK A SECRET VOTE TO SEND YOU
HOME.
LEAVE THE CIGARETTES.
BYE-BYE."
THE G.O.P. PLAN ALSO BARRED INVESTIGATORS FROM CONSIDERING
ANONYMOUS TIPS AGAINST LAWMAKERS.
IT'S LIKE THE OLD SAYING, IF YOU SEE SOMETHING...
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ALL THIS SEEMS KIND OF STECHY,
RIGHT, IT DOESN'T SEEM QUITE RIGHT BUT THE GUY WHO CAME UP
WITH THE PLAN, VIRGINIA CONGRESSMAN BOB GOODLAT,
DEFENDED IT SAYING, "THE OFFICE OF CONGRESSIONAL ETHICS HAS A
SERIOUS AND IMPORTANT ROLE IN THE HOUSE, AND THIS AMENDMENT
DOES NOTHING TO IMPEDE THEIR WORK."
SO, IT'S NOT BAD, WHICH IS WHY THEY DID IT IN SECRET, BEHIND
CLOSED DOORS.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S WHERE YOU DO ALL THE
STUFF YOU'RE MOST PROUD OF, LIKE WHEN YOU'RE A TEENAGER AND
YOUR MOM WALKS IN ON YOU.
"MOM, PLEASE, CLOSE THE DOOR!
I'M BEING ETHICAL IN HERE!
IT'S NATURAL AT MY AGE TO BE ETHICAL.
I'M LOOKING AT MY ETHICAL MAGAZINES."
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S THE SWITCHEROO.
THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO VOTE ON IT TODAY, BUT TODAY, HOUSE
REPUBLICANS PULLED THE PLAN AFTER DONALD TRUMP
CRITICIZED IT IN A TWEET.
MAN!
WHEN DONALD TRUMP CALLS YOU OUT FOR BEING UNETHICAL, THAT'S A
WAKE-UP CALL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT IS-- THAT'S NOT GOOD!
THAT'S NOT GOOD!
THAT'S LIKE-- THAT'S LIKE IF KEITH RICHARDS TOLD YOU TO
MOISTURIZE.
IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN-- AND I'M NOT-- THAT WAS NOT TRUMP'S ONLY
HOLIDAY TWEET.
HE ALSO SAID, "THE U.S. CONSUMER CONFIDENCE
INDEX FOR DECEMBER SURGED NEARLY FOUR POINTS TO 113.7, THE
HIGHEST LEVEL IN MORE THAN 15 YEARS!
THANKS DONALD!" YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT.
DONALD TRUMP THANKED HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON.
( LAUGHTER ) AND STEPHEN COLBERT THINKS
THAT'S CRAZY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THANKS.
THANKS, STEPHEN!
THANKS!
THANKS, STEPHEN!
YOU'RE WELCOME.
AND-- WHEN WAS THIS, ON NOW YEARS?
IT WAS ON NEW YEARS, DONALD TRUMP TWEETED THIS MESSAGE OF
UNITY, " "
LOVE!
( APPLAUSE ) LOVE!
LOVE!
THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT.
IN THE HOLIDAY SPIRKT DONALD TRUMP IS LOVING HIS ENEMYS.
IT REMINDS ME OF JESUS' FAMOUS TWEET:
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOT SURE WHAT GOSPEL THAT'S
FROM.
NOT SURE WHAT GOSPEL THAT ONE'S FROM.
DONALD TRUMP'S HALLMARK OF SENDING WELL WISHES WHILE
SIMULTANEOUSLY INSULTING YOUR ENEMIES IS THE BASIS OF A NEW
LINE OF EXCLUSIVE TRUMP GREETING CARDS.
DO WE HAVE THEM HERE?
LET'S LOOK AT SOME OF THOSE RIGHT NOW.
TRUMP GREETING CARDS.
THIS IS NICE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
LOVE!
SPANISH.
HOW DO YOU SAY LOVE IN SPANISH?
AMOIR!
HERE'S A GET ONE.
OH, OKAY.
I LIKE THIS ONE.
HERE'S A TRUMP CARD THAT SAYS, ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) BASED ON A TRUE STORY.
BASED ON A TRUE STORY.
OH, THIS IS A NICE SENTIMENT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AGAIN.
>> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: BASED ON A TRUE STORY.
CAN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP.
HERE IS ANOTHER SWEET CARD: ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) HERE'S AN ANYTIME CARD.
THIS IS AN ANYTIME CARD: ( APPLAUSE )
THOSE ARE FOR SALE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THOSE ARE FOR SALE.
AND SPEAKING OF VLADIMIR PUTIN, THERE'S BIG NEWS ON THE RUSSIAN
HACKING SCANDAL.
OVER THE HOLIDAY BREAK, PRESIDENT OBAMA KICKED OUT 35
RUSSIAN DIPLOMATS HE SAID WERE SPIES, JUST SHOWED THEM THE
DOOR.
IT MAY SEEM HARSH TO DO THA THAT CHRISTMAS.
BUT REMEMBER, RUSSIAN CHRISTMAS IS ON A DIFFERENT DAY.
THIS YEAR THEY'RE GOING TO BE CELEBRATING ON JANUARY 20.
>> Jon: OH!
OH!
>> Stephen: LOVE!
LOVE!
PUTIN RESPONDED TO THESE DEPORTATIONS BY DOING SOMETHING
ABSOLUTELY SHOCKING-- TAKING THE HIGH ROAD.
BECAUSE HE NOT ONLY DECLINED TO EXPEL AMERICAN DIPLOMATS FROM
RUSSIA.
HE ALSO INVITED THE CHILDREN OF U.S. DIPLOMATS IN RUSSIA TO A
NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY IN THE KREMLIN.
SO SWEET.
THAT'S A REALLY NICE GESTURE.
IN FACT, EACH CHILD WAS GIVEN A HOLIDAY GIFT OF A TEDDY BEAR
WITH REAL MOVING EYES.
IT FOLLOWS YOU AROUND THE ROOM.
, OF COURSE, PRESIDENT-ELECT TRUMP DEFENDED AMERICA BY
SUPPORTING RUSSIA TWEETING: MR. TRUMP, PUTIN IS NOT THE
LEADER WHOSE INTELLIGENCE WE'VE BEEN QUESTIONING.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS ) WE KNOW HE'S SMART.
AND LOOK, HERE IS WHY DONALD TRUMP DEFENDED PUTIN.
EVEN THOUGH ALL INTELLIGENCE SOURCES AGREE THAT RUSSIAN
HACKERS TRIED TO INFLUENCE OUR ELECTION, DONALD TRUMP DOES NOT
BUY IT.
>> MR. PRESIDENT-ELECT, SENATOR GRAHAM TODAY SAID THAT HE--
THEY'RE PUTTING TOGETHER SANCTIONS TO GO AFTER
PUTIN PERSONALLY.
WOULD YOU BACK THAT?
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING.
I HAVEN'T SPOKEN TO SENATOR GRAHAM.
I DON'T KNOW, HAVEN'T SPOKEN TO HIM.
AS YOU KNOW, HE RAN AGAINST ME, AND I HAVEN'T SPOKEN TO HIM.
>> YOU HAVE TO ADMIT, HE SHOCKED THE WORLD.
IF NOTHING ELSE TO SAY, HE SHOCKED THE WORLD.
>> Stephen: YES, YES.
HE SHOCKED THE WORLD.
NOT AS SHOCKING AS DON KING STANDING NEXT TO THE FUTURE
PRESIDENT.
WHY IS HE NEXT TO THE COMMANDER IN CHIEF?
IS DONALD TRUMP GOING TO FIGHT FLOYD MAYWEATHER OR SOMETHING?
IS DONALD TRUMP GOING TO GET A FACE
TATTOO AND BITE LINDSEY GRAHAM'S EAR OFF?
I WOULD WATCH THAT ON PAY-PER-VIEW.
PLUS, DONALD TRUMP SAYS HE DOESN'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO ANYONE
ABOUT HACKING BECAUSE HE'S THE REALTECH GENIUS.
>> I KNOW A LOT ABOUT HACKING, AND HACKING IS A VERY HARD THING
TO PROVE.
SO IT COULD BE SOMEBODY ELSE.
AND I ALSO KNOW THINGS THAT OTHER PEOPLE DON'T KNOW, AND SO
THEY CANNOT BE SURE OF THE SITUATION.
>> WHAT DO YOU KNOW THAT OTHERS DON'T KNOW?
>> YOU'LL FIND OUT ON TUESDAY OR WEDNESDAY.
>> Stephen: TUESDAY OR WEDNESDAY.
HE NEEDS TIME TO DIGEST THE INFORMATION BEFORE HE YANKS IT
OUT OF HIS ASS.
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
OPRAH!
OPRAH WINFREY IS HERE!
STICK AROUND.
LOVE!