Hello I m Darren Magee and today s topic is the second part in a series looking at intimacy in
relationships. In the first video, I looked at the importance of intimacy and why it can
sometimes be lacking in a relationship. In this video I'm going to be looking at how intimacy can
be withheld or controlled in a relationship with a narcissistic person. I'm going to outline some
of the reasons why they may withhold love and affection and give some examples of how. So if
you find this video interesting please consider subscribing to my channel. And when it comes to
narcissistic people, many of their relationships, many of their interactions tend to be surface
level. There's no real depth to them. And one of the reasons for this is that people with very
strong narcissistic traits tend to struggle with intimacy. They can be very defensive,
go to great lengths to keep others at an emotional arms length. But it is important to note that
although narcissists struggle with intimacy, not everybody with narcissistic traits will struggle
to the same extent. It often depends on the individual and the context of the relationship.
I often say it's never a one size fits all. Also, narcissists tend to lack insight. They might be
aware that they feel uncomfortable with something, but they're not quite sure what that discomfort is
or what it means. Now that being said at the more extreme end of the spectrum, sometimes
we're talking about the dark personality types. Well, they might not fully understand either,
but in some cases they do. They have what's known as a dark empathy, so they are aware of what they
are doing and the impact it has. In some cases they enjoy keeping others in the state of strain,
misery and disappointment. They get a kick out of ruining things for other people. But the nature
of their behaviours and their motivations, depend on many underlying factors, often related to their
personality traits and psychological dynamics. But in a relationship with a narcissistic person,
sometimes it seems as if there will always be something to ruin a moment, even a special
moment. For instance they could start a huge argument just before going out somewhere. Or,
and this would be more common with covert narcissism, you might hear things like, Well
the concert was wonderful. It was really great, but I had a sore head. Or, The sex was wonderful
but I have a sore leg. Sometimes it seems as if they are incapable of enjoying themselves
or allowing anyone else to enjoy themselves. It's like there's always something to sour the moment.
Narcissists can also be quite disagreeable. One of the ways that this can manifest is by refusing
or rejecting anything that is offered or asked for by their partners. So some of the reasons
why they might control or withhold intimacy and affection is first of all their lack of empathy.
Narcissists have a difficulty experiencing and understanding the emotions and the needs of
others. As I said a moment ago, sometimes they do. They have what's known as a dark empathy,
so they are aware of what they're doing. Sometimes it's maybe part of the plan, sometimes
they just don't care. Narcissists tend to view relationships as a means of gaining admiration,
validation and control rather than a genuine emotional connection. They tend to engage in
relationships primarily for self-serving purposes. That's why others are sometimes referred to as a
narcissistic supply, they serve a purpose. They have an excessive preoccupation with their own
needs, their own desires, their own concerns. They prioritise their own gratification and validation
above the emotional needs and desires of others, even their partners. This makes it difficult for
any kind of connection on an emotional level. And the self centeredness can hinder their ability to
prioritise the well-being of their partner or indeed the well-being of the relationship. That
being said with their dark empathy, they might know what others want, what others need. They
also know what to withhold in order to coerce, manipulate and punish. Because narcissistic people
tend to have a need for control and superiority in their relationships when any kind of emotional
intimacy can bring up a vulnerability that could challenge their need for control,
it could expose him to situations where they might not be able to maintain that power dynamic. That's
often when their maladaptive defence mechanisms kick in. So they either avoid it or they shut it
done. They can often be quite guarded against intimacy, as it could require them to reveal
their insecurities, their weaknesses, their fears and this threatens their sense of grandiosity,
their superiority, even their invincibility. The thing is, when a relationship is new,
they can be very passionate, they can be very attentive. But when the relationship is no
longer new or perhaps it no longer provides them with the excitement or admiration they crave. Or
maybe even when the partner needs more than just superficial connection, that's when they begin to
resist. And that's when they begin to withdraw. That's when they can become more controlling,
more manipulative. They have learned what the partner likes, what they don't like so they know
what buttons to push, what to offer conditionally in order to keep the partner hooked, but also want
to withdraw in order to manipulate and punish. Here we see the forming of what's known as trauma
bonding. Another reason to the lack of intimacy and connection can be that many narcissistic
people view others as objects, they're just objects there to meet their needs rather than
individuals with their own emotions, desires, autonomy. Again they re primarily focused on
using knowledge for their own gratification. And this can hinder any kind of meaningful emotional
connection. There are just some of the reasons why narcissistic people have difficulties with
intimacy and closeness. Now let's look at some of the common ways they keep their partners close
yet keep them at an emotional arms length. First of all it's by having unrealistic expectations and
standards. Characteristic of narcissism is a huge sense of entitlement. Whatever it is they want,
they believe they deserve it, often without having to do anything to earn it,
and this is kind of parasitical. So they might expect the relationship to be perfect,
but it is the partner who has to put the work in. They might say things like, We will be closer,
we will be more intimate, things will be better when this relationship is perfect. First of all,
perfect doesn't exist. Secondly, without intimacy or any kind of connection, the relationship isn't
even going to be healthy. If the partner were to ask what exactly does perfect mean? They might not
be able to answer. Or if they do, they might just get a lot of word salad and circular reasoning. Or
perhaps a list of things that the partner has to do, and the demands, the expectations constantly
shift. The partner is never good enough. The partner can never do enough. Secondly, they
can withhold affection and intimacy as a way of emotionally manipulating their partners feelings
and their actions. They might withhold intimacy and sex as a means to punish their partner for
either not meeting their demands or for their perceived wrongdoings. This kind of manipulation
can create a sense of insecurity and dependence, keeping the partner under their control. The
partner becomes reliant on them for emotional and physical connection, and it strengthens their
position of power and control. By depriving the partner of affectionate gestures, they create a
sense of longing in the partner, making them more likely to comply with their desires. They use sex
they use affection they use intimacy as a way to gain leverage or to exert dominance. It creates a
dynamic with a partner feels obligated to comply. Now it's either maybe just to maintain some level
of harmony or to avoid conflict. By withholding by withdrawing affection they can elicit feelings of
guilt and shame. But the partner feels this need to try and please them in order to try and regain
their favour. Again as I mentioned earlier on, here we see the trauma bonding. Many people who
have been in narcissistic relationships often comment how everything was on the narcissist
s terms. Even the sex. If it ever happened it was when they wanted it, how they wanted it and where
they wanted it and it would be withdrawn until the partner complies again. But another way of
avoiding emotional intimacy is through gaslighting and blame shifting. For instance, the couple might
have a lovely romantic evening. Maybe they go away to a nice hotel, they have a lovely
romantic evening, and they both have a great time together. The following day or maybe over the next
few days the narcissist might seem a bit distant. They're not as funny as they were. They're not
as playful. They're not saying all the romantic things they had the night before. They may even
claim they didn't really like the place, or they didn't like the meal, or they only went for the
partner. These distortions keep the partner from getting too close emotionally and keeps them in
a state of disappointment. Blame shifting is often a tactic to deflect responsibility. If the partner
were to express dissatisfaction or a desire for more intimacy the narcissist might shift blame
on to the partner. You're not treating me with enough respect. Or again, It'll be different when
the relationship is perfect. That might even say things like, What are you talking about? We did
it last Christmas. A man to partner doubt their own perceptions making them feel needy, guilty or
inadequate. And anything they might do they might make a big deal of it. You see how much I love
you? And lastly, another way to create and keep an emotional distance is to continually compare
the partner to others. Now it could be with an ex partner how they were the love of their life.
It's just a shame things didn't work out. But hey, Oh well, I'm with, you know. So they can't fully
commit because they had their heart broken by someone. Someone the partner could never replace
even a decade later. It could be constantly discussing other people, how they would make a
more ideal partner. This is once known as induced jealousy, and I ve made videos on induced jealousy
previously if you want to check those out. But there are different reasons for narcissists
inducing jealousy in their partners, but one of the things that isn't mentioned in the research
which I believe is that it is a way of keeping that emotional distance. It's a way of preventing
that emotional connection. Now in a relationship with a narcissistic person, people only have so
much capacity, they only have so much patience. Sooner or later they are done. Sooner or later
they realised there is no rainbow, never mind a pot of gold at the end of it and that's when all
of the things the narcissists had been withholding start to come out and little drips and drabs in
order to try and entice that person back again. So to summarise, narcissists can control sex and
intimacy in a relationship for many reasons that align with their maladaptive defence mechanisms,
their manipulative and self centred tendencies, usually because of their need for control and
domination, but more often than not it's because of their fear of intimacy. The fear of someone
else saying perhaps as they really are. Now the irony is they do tend to show their real selves
through their selfishness, their lack of empathy and their disagreeableness. They want to be loved,
admired, considered to be the best lover ever regardless of how they perform in bed or what
little they do to show affection. And they behave as if they know what's best for the partner,
what the partner wants, likes, needs. And if the partner doesn't want it or it's not enough,
there's something wrong with the partner. I think that s the curse of narcissism is that they want
to be loved. They want to be admired, they want to be validated. Why not? Everybody else does. But
the very things they do tend to be the very things that drive others away and alienate them. Their
demand for perfection ruins everything with their unreasonable demands, sometimes their hare-brained
schemes. Although the behaviours do tend to be self defeating, in so many cases they just seem to
keep doing the same things over and over again. So that s a brief outline of how and why narcissistic
people often withhold sex, intimacy, affection in their relationships. Now as always there are
other things I could have added so if there s anything I ve missed anything you d like to add
please use the comment box below. There are some interesting conversations start from these videos.
But if you find this video interesting, if you found it helpful,
please consider subscribing to my channel. And until next time, thanks for watching.