There are times where we have to breakup with with someone that we care about,
and this is probably one of the hardest things that we can ever go through.
If you find yourself in this situation, I’m here to help you through this difficult time.
Hello and welcome! My name is Heather. I'm a Registered Professional Counsellor and a Certified
Life Coach. I’ve had my practice for about 9 years and I help people get through breakups that are
keeping them stuck from living their best lives. Today I’m going to share with you how to breakup
with someone, the right way. I know it might sound a bit silly, but this is an important
skill to have and it’s not something that we’re taught or that’s been modelled to us appropriately.
There is a way to breakup with someone that doesn’t cause emotional damage. Unfortunately,
no one knows about this and so they struggle. There’s no set guidelines around breakups and
there should be. Just like there’s a set guideline around proposals and people getting married.
When it comes to proposals, there's a clear expectation of what needs to be done.
And a script that people follow.
For example, there needs to be a ring, a grand gesture, and posting it and announcing it on social media afterwards.
And yet there's no set protocol for breaking up with someone and that's why I'm here today.
Before the breakup with someone, the first thing that you'd want to do is - reflect
See if breaking up is what you really want. Take a step back and ask yourself "What are you missing in the
relationship? Can anything be fixed? Are your concerns valid or are they your own insecurities?
Were there any red flags that you overlooked that is now a bigger issue?"
The second thing that you'd want to do is
Communicate - Have you had an honest conversation about what you and your partner can work on?
Have you and your partner did everything you could to make it work? It’s not fair
to breakup with someone if you didn't give them the opportunity to make changes
The third thing is
Reassess - Have there been improvements? Have your feelings changed? If you still want to breakup,
for whatever reason, maybe you realize that you want different things in life,
or maybe your partner wants to move and you don’t, or you feel that your personalities don’t match up.
Whatever the reason, you’ll have to accept that you want to end the relationship.
The fourth thing to do is
Don’t change your mind - Sometimes what happens is that you’re mentally preparing for the breakup but
when the moment comes, you remember all the good times and you remember how cute and how fun they were. I think the
show How I met your Mother called this “Graduation Goggles” can be described as that nostalgic feeling we have about a
time in our lives or a certain person in their life when we know it is about to end.
Even though we were completely miserable at that time. Much like high school and the nostalgic feeling we have when we're about to graduate.
This is the similar feeling we might have when we're about to breakup with someone.
The fifth thing for you to do is
Prepare - know that this conversation is going to be uncomfortable and that you and your partner may feel hurt
During the Breakup The first thing that you'd want to do is make sure that you
Do it in person - don’t breakup with them over text or email or over the phone and please do not ghost
them! You want to make sure that you find a semi-private place to meet with them. The second thing to do is to
Share the fundamental reason as to why you’re breaking up with them and stick with this one main reason throughout the conversation
You want to stick with this one main reason because you don't want to monopolize the conversation by adding all these little things
because it'll give your partner the opportunity to try to dispute them
The third thing to do is to
Lead with empathy - be mindful of what the other person is going through
You can say things like
“I know this is not what you want to hear right now” or “I’m sure you’re very upset"
The fourth thing to do is to
Take responsibility - for your feelings and for your part in the breakup
Remember, no breakups are completely one-sided
The fifth thing is to
Be open and honest - they may have questions, do your best to answer them
honestly but respectfully. Do not start blaming them for all the little things that they've done wrong in the relationship.
The sixth thing is
Be kind and know that they may be angry or want to start a fight with you. Anger is a secondary
emotion and you need to remind yourself that the reason why they might be getting angry
is because they’re feeling hurt and know that they might try to start a fight because they
want to feel better about the situation because they're feeling rejected. Understand
that they’re hurt and stay as kind and calm as you possibly can.
The seventh this is to Ask for feedback - so depending on how the conversation is going, you may want to ask them if there's anything that they would like to share with you
Perhaps there was something that was also bothering them in the relationship but they didn’t have the opportunity to express. Remain open and calm if they do provide
feedback. If you're comfortable, you can also initiate the feedback by asking them “Was I too clingy? Or too distant?”
Number 8
Don’t try to save them - and what I mean by this is don’t try to be the hero and try to make them
feel better by saying that you still want to be friends or you still want to stay in touch or say that maybe in
the future you might get together. This isn’t helpful and it is harmful to create these expectations
for someone especially if you have no intentions of following through with these promises. Recognize
that it’s a human need for us to be liked and this is where this drive comes from of still needing
this person who you’re breaking up with to still like you. Just know that this is your own ego at
play, to fulfill the need to be liked.
The ninth thing to do is to
Set Boundaries - let them know that you need to disconnect and that it’s the best thing for the both of you, because it is.
After the breakup - Make sure that the first thing you do is to disconnect
So follow through with unfriending and blocking
your ex on social media. Remember, you’re not doing this to be cruel or mean. You're doing this to enforce
healthy boundaries and promote healing and it gets rid of any temptations of drunk calling/texting
your ex and it can help you avoid dumpers remorse.
The second thing to do after you breakup is Self-care
Focus on yourself and do activities you enjoy. You can also use this time to self-reflect and focus on personal growth
The third thing to do is to Connect with your social network
So meet with family and friends and update them often on how you're doing.
I also have a video about how to move on from your breakup that provides really helpful tips during this transition.
I’ll link it above so you can watch afterwards
If you’re watching this video, I know that it’s a really difficult thing to do to have
to breakup with someone that you still love or care about because deep down you know
that this is the right decision for you. Know that I’m here to support you and stay strong.
Question of the Day:
What was your biggest takeaway from this video? Comment below
That’s it for today’s video, thank you so much for watching. Make sure to
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Until next time, be kind and love yourself.