If you're trying to save your
marriage and turn it around to
have the marriage that you used
to have, or maybe even a better
marriage than that, then you may
have found yourself confused on
what to do next. That is why we
at marriage helper have created
the seven steps to rescue your
marriage, and yourself. And
we've created that to help you
get clarity on what you need to
do when you need to do it. And
maybe even in what order you
need to do it in order to really
have the best chance at saving
your marriage. We have created
this out of years of experience
with clients with people just
like you, and really basing it
in research based principles
that leads to marriage
transformation. And we've now
put it into a seven step plan
that's easy to understand, and
easy for you to identify where
you are on it. In the first
episode. In this series, we
talked about the first three
steps, which is really all in
one category. That's helping you
learn how to stabilize your
marriage. And in today's
episode, we're going to be
talking about step four. And
this step actually has two parts
to it. But the two parts are
very important when it comes to
rescuing your marriage, and even
healing in your own way, healing
yourself of the things that have
happened, we're going to be
talking about that today. I'm
joined by Dr. Joe beam, the
founder of marriage helper. And
I'm Kimberly Holmes,
being founder and $5 will get
you a cup of coffee at
Starbucks. That's right. So
let's talk about this fourth
step, because as you said, it
has two parts, let's just going
to mention what those two parts
are, and then see if we can
explain them a little bit. But
remember, now that first section
about how you stabilize a
marriage, it's already in
crisis, where that you first you
have to calm down, then you've
got to get clarity as to what's
actually going on. And then you
have to stop pushing and start
pulling. Now, we can explain
that in much deeper detail. But
understand that that's it right
now. And the middle step then is
this. If you can get to the
point where that you've done
that, then it's time to start
forgiving. Now forgiving can be
done. Even if your spouse does
not participate. The second part
of this fourth step actually
requires your spouse to be part
of it. So let's talk about the
forgiving thing first,
yes, let's do that. This is a
very important part, whether you
and your spouse ultimately end
up reconciling or not, it is
incredibly important to forgive
yourself of anything, you may be
carrying guilt for your spouse
of anything that they may have
done that you're harboring
resentment for, and any other
things that may be be affecting.
We see a lot of the times when
couples come to our workshops,
and we talk about this
forgiveness section that a lot
of times, yes, they're talking
about I need to forgive my
spouse, but they're also
bringing up things of I need to
forgive the way that my mom
treated me when I was a kid, I
need to forgive how I responded
to my spouse and in the things
that I did that led to this I
need to forgive. You know, they
a lot comes up forgiveness is a
huge step in healing, because it
in a way kind of helps to clear
your mind of everything you're
carrying, so that you can more
clearly see what the future
could hold.
Yeah, I remember a lady in one
of our workshops several years
ago now. And she had grown up in
a home of very religious people.
Yet, even though her father was
on like an official at the
church there, they were into the
lifestyle into swinging. Nobody
at church knew about it. And
they would bring other couples
into their bedroom. Now her
bedroom was right next to their
Oh, wow. So she could hear what
was going on. And as she went
through her, her puberty and
went through her formative
years, she founds finds herself
having very mixed emotions, like
disgust at that, because it's so
against everything that they
talk about at church, and et
cetera. And at the same time,
some titillation from that
because she's a teenager. And so
she now finally is married. And
she's had several affairs. And
she's seeking the forgiveness of
her husband, she's seeking the
healing of the relationship. But
part of hers was having to
forgive her parents for the
hypocrisy of what they had done
that that actually got her mind
all messed up here. And then as
you just said, to forgive
herself, for the things that she
had done, but then also to
forgive the men who had used
her, because she felt anger
toward them, even though she was
making yourself very available
to them. And so there was a lot
of forgiveness going on there
then if this was going to be a
better future for her. We talked
about hopefully for the marriage
too, but at least for the heart
we talked about in healing
yourself as well, is that she
had to forgive. And so sometimes
in our workshops, when we get
people to start thinking back,
like why do you think you'd do
that? Why do you think you feel
that way? Why do you think you
believe that? Can you find
stories in your past that can
give us some insight into that?
It's amazing how often they
wound up having to forgive. And
then sometimes Kimberly, say
your spouse has been unfaithful.
It's not just forgiving my
spouse. It's forgiving the
partner,
the other, the other woman or
the other man. Right? Yes. And
right. I mean, there's, there's
so much more that can go into
that, especially if it happened
and other people knew. Or maybe
it was with your best friend,
right? And then there's more
broken relationships. But the
problem is that it's hard to
move forward and reconcile when
you're carrying the weight of
the unforgiveness, isn't that
right?
Yes, as a matter of fact, in our
workshop, we spent a lot of time
talking about this our three day
intensive workshop for couples
in crisis. And we explained the
fact that forgiving sets you
free. Now, sometimes people say,
but if I forgive, then they get
to get away with whatever they
did. Look, they're still
consequences of behaviors out
there, we're not talking about
you setting them free, legally,
necessarily, we're talking about
you setting yourself free from
the negative emotions. And
that's why sometimes a so
difficult to do, because you
hurt so badly. It's like, this
pain inside of me leads to this
great anger. And I really want
to punish this other person. And
we say, we understand that it's
a human emotion to do that. And
it's okay to be human. But if
you follow through on that,
you're going to degrade
yourself. And so learning how to
forgive, in this process,
Kimberly, so in our workshop,
for example, both on Friday
afternoon, and then again, on
Sunday afternoon, we take people
through exercises, helping them
go through an actual process of
learning how to forgive. And we
didn't just make that up, I dug
into a whole lot of research out
there about how do people
forgive and put it together. And
so it actually becomes a plan,
if you will, a pathway, that
this is how I can forgive, even
if it's forgiving herself, which
sometimes people find the most
difficult to do. It's like,
okay, maybe I can forgive him,
maybe I can forgive her. But I
knew better. And I did what I
did, anyway. But forgiving you
is just as important. If you've
done anything you need to
forgive yourself for is just as
important as forgiving those
people out there because it will
lead you to freedom. So that you
can be healed emotionally,
spiritually, and sometimes even
physically. Because you can
affect your immune system and
have a lot of negative effect on
your body. If you're holding
that anger and rage inside side
of you, whether it's towards
some human being, or whether
it's toward yourself. And so you
can affect yourself physically,
intellectually, emotionally, and
spiritually, by forgiving. Now,
again, people watching or
listening or thinking, yeah, you
make it sound easy. It's not
easy, not easy at all. And
that's when we actually have
developed a process based on
good social science research
that in our workshop, we will
guide you through,
right, it's not easy, but it's
important and doable, and
doable, intentional, you have to
be very intentional about it,
but definitely doable. So in
this step for everything from
step one to four in this up to
forgive up to forgive a person
can do and should do in order to
save their marriage. Now, this
is where it splits. This is
where there's another part of
Step four, which is reconcile,
you cannot reconcile without the
other person. So a lot of times,
I've been asked, I know you've
been asked, Can one spouse save
a marriage? And I say, yes, one
spouse can absolutely do the
things that will begin to save
the marriage and turn things
around. But it takes two to
reconcile. That's correct. That
is correct. So not to say not to
say, I'm
shocked that I actually agree
with her on something. Yes, it
is.
Yes, so. So up until then, is
what you can do as the as the
person standing for your
marriage and should do the
reconciliation portion though,
as we said before it takes the
other person and so where we see
this in what we do at marriage
helper is we know that our
workshop that the marriage
workshop that that Joe has been
talking about that that is a
catalyst for change, that it
really can begin when a couple
is able to come and they can see
how their marriage can be
different and it paints that
picture of a bigger a better
future, that it also lays the
groundwork for if you were to
reconcile, here's how. Because
here's how your marriage can
look different in the future. So
our workshop is is a catalyst in
step four. If you're able to
come and able to experience that
with your spouse, it's the most
effective thing that you can do
to also then be able to
reconcile so that's why step
four is split. There's part of
it you can do and should do on
your own and there's another
part of it that you need your
spouse to continue forward in
the seven steps
alright. In sometimes the
initial part that the spouse
will do is just to agree to come
to a workshop, even saying, I'm
so going to divorce you, I don't
want to make this work. But, you
know, I'll go to a workshop with
him. And we have all kinds of
tools out there to help you
explain to your spouse and help
encourage them to come to the
workshop with you. But they at
least have to come there. And
then we have developed a system
that we call exploring
reconciliation. And it is five
steps, probably thinking you
people are really those steps,
aren't you, we really like to
get our steps. You see, here's,
here's the way that we believe
that we're quite different from
other helpers, not maybe every
other helper, but most other
elbers. The first is, we take
extremely deep and complicated
psychological and sociological
principles, and then make them
extremely simple to understand.
It's amazing how, for example,
when I sometimes will speak to
groups of counselors and
therapists, and start teaching
them about push and pull. Well,
they knew all of that, but they
had it in their head in such a
complicated way, that it was
hard for them to explain it to
anybody. But once they heard it
in the simplified way we put it
it was like, it's that easy.
It's that simple. And so we love
to take deep concepts,
psychological, sociological, and
simplify them, so that we can
understand them a whole lot
easier. And interestingly,
understand them a whole lot
deeper when we do that. But the
second thing we do is then we
develop processes. Okay, based
on that, how do you move from
here to there? And that's why we
are into our steps, like, Okay,
what four steps happen, when
people fall in love, we call
that the love path. And then we
have this, what seven steps
happen, if you're going to
rescue your marriage, and
yourself, these things have to
happen. And then the phone
reconciliation tool that we
have, there's five steps,
because you see, part of what
has to happen in this healing
process is that you need to
learn a lot more about each
other than you currently know.
And I know that sounds
ridiculous to some people, we've
been married 50 years, there's
nothing about my spouse, I don't
know. Well, if you've been
through crisis, or you're in
crisis, each of you has changed.
Like, who am I now? Who are you
now? What is it that I really
want? What are you really want,
but you also have to deal with
the issues, which means you're
gonna have to talk about what
happened, how it happened. And
all those kinds of things,
there's gonna be time here for
confession, there's going to be
time here for asking
forgiveness, granting
forgiveness, those kinds of
things. And so in the
reconciliation process, you
really are going to deal with
the issues. But you don't start
with the issues, you start by
learning a whole lot more about
each of you first. And then in
dealing with those issues, you
can finally start figuring out
what has to stop what has to
start, how do we negotiate this
out? How do we actually start
building a future together? And
so forgiveness, as Kimberly
said, is for you, no matter what
your spouse does, but if indeed,
your spouse will hopefully first
of all come to the workshop with
us. So we can help them
understand some things. And then
of course, it's their decision,
we don't manipulate, we don't
force. And then if you decide to
go through together, this
reconciliation, exploring
reconciliation process, at the
end of that, if you decide to
reconcile, you actually have a
plan. It's all been laid out for
you. And if you decide not to
reconcile, at least now you know
exactly what you're walking away
from. Okay, it's not some vague
idea. This is what I'm doing.
I'm making a very conscious
decision about this. And so
that's fourth step that has to
do with healing, the the hurt,
healing, the problems, those
kinds of things, is extremely
important. And Kimberly, I guess
I'm being redundant, because
you've said it, I've said it,
but I'll say it one more time,
the forgiveness part, do no
matter what your spouse does,
for you, reconciliation actually
means that your spouse is going
to be a part of this in some
fashion,
right. And a lot of people miss
that part mentally, because in
their minds, they will think,
Well, we, I need to reconcile I
need to get, we need to
reconcile, we need to put this
back together, but they miss
these first four steps, all
they're thinking about is
getting back in the same house,
and then trying to put things
back together. You have to go
even if your spouse is ready to
come back home or work on this
marriage, you're still need to
go through these first four
steps to some extent. Now, every
person is going to go through
these steps at a different pace
than anyone else. But that's the
value of working with one of our
coaches or getting involved in
our membership. All of those
things will outline exactly
where you need to go and help
you understand what to focus on
next, until you're able to get
your spouse to agree to work on
the marriage with you. And then
in that would be what can really
be the catalyst in step four
that can take you forward so Why
does this matter? Because a lot
of people come to us and say I
don't know where to start. And
they're looking more at products
or coaching and they're trying
to fit in, they're saying I
don't know where to start in
that sense. What we're now
saying is you start with step
one, how you do step one, you
can choose if you want to have a
coach help you with step one,
great, fantastic will definitely
be helpful. But even if you just
start in the membership, because
your spouse isn't ready to work
on the marriage with you right
now, because that would be
workshop. If your spouse is not
ready, starting the membership
will guide you down these first
four steps. And then as soon as
your spouse is ready to work on
the marriage with you, we can
help you get from the second
part of Step Four to Step seven.
And by doing the things in the
first four steps, is where that
you end up influencing your
spouse to the point where he or
she will at least explore
reconciliation with you. Now,
can we guarantee you that 100%
Obviously not. But those first
four steps will get you to
change you which in turn, will
influence your spouse so that he
or she will be willing to come
to our workshop are willing to
explore reconciliation, but
understand this, you're not
going to do it perfectly. And so
what if somebody is in step
three, which is stopped up,
pushes and start the polls and
and they mess it up? Does that
mean that they just give up the
whole system?
No. Because remember, in the
very first episode, before we
started talking about the seven
steps, when we were talking
about the decision you need to
make, we talked then about
there's going to be two steps
forward one step back 18 Steps
to the side. But we have a
process, we believe this process
works. It may not work at the
timetable that you thought it
would when you go into it just
like when most people say I'm
going to lose 20 pounds in a
month, don't realize that that's
nearly impossible, like you are
not going to
lose 20 Next month,
you're not going to sustainably
lose 20 pounds in a month. Nor
should you because typically
when people do that they end up
doing things that overall are
even worse. And that's the same
here. When you're trying to get
your spouse back quick. When
you're trying to do certain
things like that you end up
doing the wrong things that make
it not sustainable in the
future. So I don't remember what
your initial question was. But
when it comes to working this
system, it's a system and a
process that we have for a
reason. You need to follow it.
You may go quicker through a
couple of steps than another
person. But it's still important
that you go through each step.
Even if you're you feel like
you're sometimes going through
quicksand or you're trudging
through mud. There's a reason
it's outlined this way, and it
needs to be followed,
then don't beat yourself up if
you don't do it perfectly. That
was what you asked Nobody.
Nobody does it perfectly. You
don't give up. You don't throw
it out. You If necessary, you
might need to back up one step.
Yes. Like if you're if the push
and pulls are not working the
way that they should be working,
then maybe you don't have enough
clarity as to what's really
going on. So you just back up
one step. If you can't get
clarity, maybe it's because of
the fact that you haven't calmed
down enough yet. So you just
move rather than throwing it
out, you move back one step,
right. Okay. Now again, we're
just giving you the light
overview. But these are things
that we are constantly working
on the developing and can guide
you through step by step. So
Kimberly, we have another three
steps.
We do the last three steps of
the seven. We will cover in the
next episode. And that one is
going to be all about now that
you have gone through the
reconciliation part of Step
four, then what does it look
like after reconciling or while
reconciling? To build your
marriage back and to create a
new future together that was
better than your marriage has
ever been before?
So that you can actually
flourish? That's right. Okay. We
look forward to seeing you then
on the next episode of
relationship Radio.