And just like that, the world
burst into colour all over again.
I stroll through woodland paths
and the grassy fields, inhaling sweet spring air,
carpets of blue, yellow and white cover the ground.
Bluebells, forget-me-nots, buttercups,
dandelions, cow parsley and daisies
as far as the eye can see
I greedily soak in
every moment of May
wishing time slowed for just another minute
Stopped running so fast,
reminding me yet again of the impermanence of being.
It's a strange thing to realise
that nothing is indeed permanent.
I've been toying with this idea
in the recent weeks
after noticing that yet again
anxieties over future had overtaken too much space
in my mind.
I'm at a place in life right now
where I'm constantly reassessing values and priorities.
You see,
there has been
so much internal change happening over the recent years
or over a decade really,
that sometimes
it makes me feel that
through all this change
I still haven't found the ground to stand firmly on.
A few years ago,
I was a free spirit, eager to take on the world,
dreaming of faraway places and many different lives.
I could live elsewhere, anywhere but here.
Something changed in me, though, something so fundamental.
My feet felt the earth and of my heart found home.
I don't wants to run anymore,
but instead build and grow
and see what could become of my life
if I give myself a chance
to find contentment in stillness.
Some would say it's part of growing up,
but I don't really believe growing up is a thing.
After all, we remain young at heart,
even when their bodies inevitably grow old.
The impermanence of being.
Let me try to convey what I feel a bit more clearly.
That is, if I can, as my thoughts at the moment
are a jumbled mess.
As a young adult in my early twenties,
I always had a fear of settling down.
I mean, that's what all the self-help books
written by very important and successful businessmen
tell you to do. Never settle.
So I developed a sort of anxiety about things
which seemed too permanent to me.
A decision made once is a decision made for life.
That's what it felt like to me,
and of course, made me dread taking any action
which would be impossible to undo.
This caused
so much anxiety about the future,
and up to this day I lived with it.
I always saw life in absolutes.
The country I choose to live in,
the degree I acquire, the profession, the house I buy
all are for life.
Only recently I began to realize that
they don't have to be,
that you can change your mind and get a new degree
when you're much older
and still strive and become successful
all the same,
that there is an unlimited possibility
to learn and develop new skills,
perhaps even quit and start all over again.
That the first home you commit to isn't your last home.
Your second home doesn't need to be last
and neither the third.
You can always begin again.
This thought became my liberation from anxieties
which always made me run.
It's so worrying, but also so exciting.
Simply giving in to seasons of life
without the fear of making a permanent mistake.
And I know maybe I sounds too idealistic
and there are so many examples in life when people
at an older age began again.
But of course, there are also things, the values
which you can choose to commit to,
choose to grow and cultivate,
no matter how difficult it becomes at times.
But the thing is,
if you want to maintain something for a lifetime,
you will have to keep working on it for a lifetime.
A house that stands without maintenance for decades begins
to deteriorate.
A relationship
which isn't nourished will begin to fall apart.
A plant
that doesn't get sun and water will eventually wilt.
That's the interesting thing about permanence.
It actually only exists
while somebody keeps maintaining it.
It stops being permanent when we stop seeing it that way
and give all the importance to it.
So perhaps this is what I want to say.
Make that move.
Get that degree, learn a new skill.
Wear a fancy dress for no reason.
Go on a date or spend time alone
as much as you need to feel yourself again.
Work as hard as you can, or do nothing at all for a while.
Take a plunge or get some rest. You deserve it.
Isn’t it wonderful how life can be all or nothing all at once?
Amongst all our anxieties and choices,
this only life is all we have at the end of the day.
Thank you so much for watching.
And I will see you again next time.