- So this week, I've been sharing wise words
from authors who inspire me.
Listen to this quote,
"Even the worst thing that can happen to you
"is meant to happen because it's going to push you to grow."
It's by Don Miguel Ruiz,
the author of the prolific book, "The Four Agreements",
that's from his newer book, "The Fifth Agreement".
I'm not the only one
who finds those words inspirational though,
Kailyn in our house seat says
it's propelled her to rethink things.
So Kailyn, you had a pretty rough 2020, right?
- Yeah.
Hi, Kelly, it's so nice to meet you.
Yeah, 2020 was rough.
With everything with the elections and with the pandemic.
I'm a neonatal intensive care nurse
and so I've seen first hand moms being separated
from their babies.
And so that was tough and is still tough for me,
as a mom myself.
I have two grown, beautiful daughters
who my husband and I adopted.
My husband and I are white and our daughters are Black,
and this summer past at the height
of the Black Lives Matter Movement,
my brother posted something on Facebook
that really upset me.
- Oh my gosh, I'm sorry.
You know what, I'm gonna be honest with you,
that has happened with a lot of families,
especially in 2020.
Be it politics, religion, every day issues,
I think there's been a lot of communicating
and some of it's super negative and hardcore
and it's even harder when it's your family.
And you love them so much
and you're like, look, we disagree on this major thing
and I'd like to be able to talk to you about it,
in a healthy kind of way.
Why does that quote really helps you?
Is it because you're kind of looking at it
as a struggle, but it's worth it?
Because in the end, there's gotta be a reason, right?
- Right.
So when he posted what he did,
as a mother of Black daughters,
I felt that I needed to stick up for them and say something
and I felt that he didn't understand
the depth of the meaning behind
what the Black Lives Matter Movement was about.
And so I commented, and other family members
jumped on and commented, his friends commented,
and it turned into this big ordeal.
My feelings were hurt,
because I felt like he wasn't understanding
and respecting my daughters' experiences.
And his feelings were hurt
because it all took place in a public forum,
and he told me to lose his contacts,
and family is important to me, and it hurt.
- Wow.
I mean...
I don't know...
That's a tricky thing to talk about.
You know, because I feel like on one hand,
it's like, okay, well thank you for showing me who you are,
and protecting your babies,
you know, but on the other hand, you're like,
if we can't do this as a family,
if we can't find some kind of common ground,
if we can't see from each other's perspective
and we're family,
how in the world is the rest of the world gonna make it?
You know?
I'm really sorry, that's a hard situation.
But I'm very glad that Don Miguel Ruiz
is joining us later,
because he's got some wisdom to impart
and not only, hopefully for you Kailyn,
but also just for everybody else,
how to make 2021 our best year yet.
I'm sure you're not the only family...
I'm 100% sure you are not the only family
to experience devastation like that
in such an emotional way between your family roots.
So here we are, day six of 2021
and if you haven't fully scrubbed off the dirt from 2020,
it's okay 'cause we are helping you get there all week
with our series, Well, That Sucked, Moving On.
♪ Well that sucked, moving on ♪
- That's my favorite inflection,
well, that sucked.
More than 20 years ago,
my next guest published one of the most popular modern books
on spiritual enlightenment.
"The Four Agreements" is all about finding happiness
within yourself through integrity
and not taking anything personally,
not making any assumptions,
and by simply doing your best.
It's a great book.
His follow up book, "The Fifth Agreement"
built on those ideas as well.
He advices us to be skeptical
but learn to listen.
And that's more important in this new year more than ever.
I think we can all agree on that.
Let's welcome New York Times Best Selling Author,
Don Miguel Ruiz!
What's up, man?
(audience applauds)
How are you?
- Wonderful, wonderful.
It's a big pleasure to be on your show.
- Oh my god, I just want you to talk nonstop,
your accent is so cool, man.
At the start of the hour,
I read your quote from "The Fifth Agreement",
"Even the worst thing that can happen to you
"is meant to happen because it's going to push you to grow."
I think it's a quote, obviously, all of us needed to hear
desperately in 2020.
But let's bring Kailyn back into the conversation.
Earlier she told us how her relationship
with her brother was shattered this summer.
It was devastating.
And as the mom of two adopted Black daughters,
she couldn't stand what he posted on social media
about the Black Lives Matter Movement.
When she confronted him, everything fell apart.
Which is, like I said, that's devastating
and very hard.
There's hard conversations there.
So Kailyn, you have a question for Don Miguel, right?
- Yeah, I do.
The quote that you just talked about, Kelly,
also resinates with me
because I do feel as if,
there's something that I'm supposed to learn
from this experience and grow from,
but I haven't quite figured out what it is yet.
And then the second thing is
if I am trying to reconcile with my brother,
how can I remain an ally to my daughters
and still reconcile with him?
- First you have to understand that this is your story,
and you are the main character in that story.
And you have priorities.
The first priority is always yourself.
The second priority is the ones that you love the most,
in your case, your little girl is extremely important
and you have all the right to protect her
and to push away from her whatever can harm her.
In that case, with your brother,
if he feels that way,
well, your priority is your daughter not your brother.
It doesn't mean that you don't love him,
but will not allow him to hurt your daughter,
you will protect her.
Perhaps it's important to separate for a little while,
let him, if he can, recapitulate
and see that he was wrong,
but you don't have to take with you all that pain,
you don't need it, it's not yours.
It's poison that comes from somebody else, it's not yours.
- I love that.
- For you, the most important is your own daughter
and first, yourself.
That you will forgive your brother
even if he don't deserve to be forgiven,
just because you love yourself
and you don't want that issue to keep hurting you.
I don't know if I'm making any sense.
- No, that was great. - But it came from my heart.
- No, I love that.
And I think it's important to remember too
that forgiving doesn't mean agreeing.
You know, you can forgive someone
and still not agree with them.
But Kailyn, I felt like that was pretty helpful,
did that make sense to you?
- Yeah, it does.
I see now that the lesson I need to learn in this
is to forgive so that my story is peaceful within myself,
because they're all living their own stories too.
So thank you for that advice.
- I loved this, thank you so much, Don Miguel.
Check out "The Four Agreements"
and "The Fifth Agreement" wherever you get your books.