So I'm biracial,
half black and half white.
It just means I don't know
if I should crochet
or play basketball.
(audience laughing)
You know, grilled chicken
or fried chicken,
(audience laughing)
but I was brought up
in a white home,
so I swim.
(audience laughing)
It's an easy joke for the
white people to laugh at.
(audience laughing)
Black people
are like, "That was funny,
"but I will cut you after the show."
(audience laughing)
but I married a black man,
like an old one,
like a dark brother too,
so there's no question,
but I do not understand
black culture at all.
My husband's cousin—
My husband's cousin comes to town,
and I'm like, hey man,
you wanna come
to one of my shows?
And he's like,
"Oh yeah, yeah, fo' sho."
No dude, not four shows,
just one show.
Did you want to come to my show?
And he's like, "I said fo' sho."
I'm like,
I don't understand the language
of the black people.
(audience laughing)
Just turned to my husband
for some interpretation.
My husband just steps over
to my white side and says,
"For sure, he's coming
"to your show for sure."
I'm trying to get the moment back,
fo' sho, fo' sho.
(audience laughing)
My sister calls me up,
she's like, "Hey Lisa,
"now that you're black,
(audience laughing)
"I got some questions for ya."
I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, fo' sho.
(audience laughing)
Discipline is tough, I'm a yeller,
'cause it's the easiest thing
to do from the couch,
(audience laughing)
but my husband does this thing
that I call confusion discipline.
This is what it looks like.
Kid did something wrong,
they get a spank on their butt,
my husband's like, "Why you cryin'?
(audience laughing)
"You want me to give you
"something to cry about?
(audience laughing)
"Keep on crying, see what happens."
Kids are looking at me,
I'm looking at them.
I'm like, I don't know
what to do, play dead.
(audience laughing)
Works with the bears,
(audience laughing)
so, I have two identical
twin boys and a girl
and my boys are identical,
they are alike in everything.
Yes and no answers,
no matter what you say,
yes and no.
My daughter, yeah,
single-handedly
the neighborhood watch.
(audience laughing)
Walking Wikipedia, that one.
Put my kids to bed,
I turn off the light,
I leave the room, nothing.
I don't wanna hear nothing
out of here, nothing.
A couple of minutes later,
I hear goings-on
coming from the bedroom,
goings-on.
(audience laughing)
March back down the hallway,
I open the door,
the light is off, the kids are in bed,
but I know what I heard,
so I turned on the light
and I say very lovingly,
everybody get up!
(audience laughing)
I said, boys, you get out of bed,
turn on that light?
And the boys are like, "Nope."
I said, Zoe, did you get out of bed
and turn on that light?
And Zoe said, "No,
(audience laughing)
"but Nathan got out of his bed
"and he jumped in Elijah's bed then
"he ran around the bed trying
"to get in my bed,
"and I said, 'don't you
"be gettin' in my bed.
"Then they heard you comin',
"turned off the light
"and they got back in their bed."
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
I didn't even know what to say,
but as I left the room,
pretty sure I heard
one of the boys say to Zoe,
"Snitches get stitches."
(audience laughing)
They pick that language up
when they're home alone
with their dad.
(audience laughing)
I walked in the house and
heard the kids chanting one day,
"Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!"
(audience laughing)
And then my daughter looks
at my husband and says,
"You are not the father."
(audience laughing)
I'm Lisa Gilbert,
you guys have been amazing.
Thank you so much!