Let's kick things off in public health news.
The FDA has issued new guidelines
as to which foods can be labeled "healthy."
And that now includes nuts and salmon.
And as much as I appreciate that...
I didn't need the government to tell me
that salmon is healthy.
We all know that because that's the thing
that people order at weddings when they want to let you know
that they're better than everyone else.
"Oh... Oh, yeah, I'll have the salmon. Eh."
In international news, the queen of Denmark
has stripped her grandchildrel-- grandchildren
of their royal titles. Yeah.
Because she says she doesn't want them
to be "limited" by their royal duties.
Which is the most posh way ever to say, "Bitch, get a job."
Yeah, those grandkids must have been so grateful.
It's just like, "Wow, Grandma, thanks for not forcing me
"to be a prince anymore. I really hated all the attention
"and the free jewelry. I love being known as
the grandkid formerly known as prince. Thank you."
It's so funny how the British monarchy
had so much drama that all the other monarchies
are now looking around like, "Mm, maybe we should
"shut shit down while we're still ahead, yeah?
Yeah, yeah."
Oh, in gaming news-- this is a fun one--
uh, the maker of the card game Uno has come out officially
and updated its rules to clarify
that you cannot play a Draw 2
on top of another Draw 2
-to make the next person draw four. -(audience exclaims)
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, they say, "Draw 2, you take the Draw 2--"
-That's it. That's it. -(audience groaning)
I-I agree with you. I mean, like, who-who makes--
who makes these rules?
I will say it is cool that they're doing it, you know?
If they ask me, we need to fix more game rules. You know?
Forget Uno. I think that works.
Monopoly needs prison reform.
Yeah, my brother gets, like, nine turns buying up
all the properties while my thimble is stuck in jail?
How is that fair?!
No justice, no peace!
But let's move on to some of the biggest stories of the day,
starting with the fallout from Hurricane Ian.
Last night, the monster storm hit Florida
like Florida just came home with a report card full of Fs,
flooding the streets, destroying homes
and infrastructure and leaving millions without power.
Now, the good news is that people
took all the advance warning seriously,
so despite the destruction, there were very few casualties.
And as the storm recedes, we're learning about
some amazing ways that the people of Florida
have pulled together while the storm was raging.
Over my shoulder here, you can see the incredible power
of Hurricane Ian, but now comes, as we've already seen,
the selfless power of people.
Neighbors, friends, even complete strangers
doing whatever they can to help.
Rescues on shore and on land.
Firefighters helping a woman escape floodwaters,
But the fire department also thanking
local jet skiers for helping out,
writing, "Sometimes we need a ride to the rescue ourselves."
In Bonita Beach, one Good Samaritan braving the elements
to save a cat trapped outside on an air conditioner.
MAN: Many of the sailboats are on their side.
There was a-a guy who went on to... to, uh,
to get his three pets off that were still on the boat.
SANDERS: In Saint Petersburg, staff at a botanical gardens
hunkering down with flamingos to see them through the storm.
-Wow. -(applause)
Wow. That is amazing.
That's so nice, just to see, like, everybody coming together.
You know, helping, cats, helping the flamingos.
I mean, I mean, it's nice, but do flamingos need more help
than humans in a hurricane?
It's just weird.
It's like, "Don't worry flamingos, I'll protect you."
Flamingos are like, "Uh, we're the waterbird, dude.
-We'll protect you." -(laughter)
But this is all amazing, right?
The response to the storm was so powerful
that it led to something we've never seen before--
jet skiers being responsible.
(laughter)
Yeah, imagine that.
Getting rescued by a Jet Ski is so awesome
because it doesn't matter how exhausted or emotional you are,
you can't stay that way on a Jet Ski, right?
Yeah, you're gonna be there, like, "Oh, my God, thank you.
"Thank you, I owe you my life.
"All right, shred it, bro! Yeah! Whoo!
Crank that diesel, bitch!"
(applause)
And as for the people rescuing the cat,
that is true selflessness.
Because that's somebody who's going,
"Look, we lost everything, our house is destroyed,
"we don't have power but-- and hear me out on this--
"what if we also had our faces scratched to shit, huh?
What do you think?"
It really is beautiful to see.
But let's move on
because while Florida is recovering from this storm,
there is still the storm that is always hitting America:
Donald J. Trump.
WOMAN: New revelations on the final days
of former President Donald Trump's presidency.
In reporting provided to CNN from a forthcoming book
by New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman,
Trump repeatedly told aides following his election loss
that he would refuse to leave the White House.
Haberman's book reports that Trump told one aide,
"I'm just not going to leave."
Haberman reports Trump quizzed nearly everyone around him
on how to stay in power.
Among those he reportedly asked,
the valet who brought him Diet Coke
when Trump pressed a red button on his Oval Office desk.
(laughter)
I'm... (laughing)
Oh, man, that-that is so much pressure...
to put on your soda guy.
(laughter)
Like, he asked the valet who brings him the Diet Coke?
He was just like, "Soda boy, I need you to make me
"the emperor of America.
How do I do it? How do...?"
He's just like, "Uh... yeah,
I just got a Coke Zero, man."
You know, if I'm honest, I-I-I think it is less weird
to get advice from your Diet Coke valet
and more weird to have a Diet Coke valet.
But, I mean, once you've got him,
you might as well get his input, right?
Just be like, "Yeah, what do you think
about how to overtake a country, huh?"
The real travesty to me is that Trump didn't follow through
with his plan of just not leaving.
Yeah, that would have been exciting.
Yeah, I would have loved to have seen the FBI
chasing Trump around the White House
like an episode of Scooby-Doo, right?
They chase him through one door,
he chases them through another door,
and then they're all being chased by ghosts.
He's just like, "Ruh-roh.
"Many people are saying 'Ruh-roh.'
"Ruh-roh.
So much danger, Scoob, so much danger."
But let's move on...
Let's move on from the previous administration
to the current one.
As you all know, Joe Biden
is the president of the United States.
But what if I told you there's also
a vice president of the United States?
Yeah, it's true, it's true.
Her name is Kamala Harris.
"What?!" I can hear you now.
"If that's the case, Trevor, how come I've never seen her?
"What are you gonna tell me next?
Slender Man is real and I should kill my family? Okay."
Well, I can't speak to the veracity of Slender Man,
but I do have proof that Kamala Harris exists,
and she was just spotted in South Korea.
NEWSWOMAN: Overnight, Vice President Kamala Harris arrived
in South Korea for the last leg of her four-day trip to Asia.
She paid a visit to the Demilitarized Zone
that divides the Korean Peninsula.
The move is to demonstrate America's commitment
to its Asian allies.
Well played, Kamala, well played.
If there's one way to remind people you exist,
it's to go stand at the border between North and South Korea.
Now everybody knows your name.
Yeah, it's the same way no one knew that I existed
in high school-- nobody--
until the day I streaked naked across the football field.
And from then on, everyone knew
One-Testicle Trev was in our school.
Oh, they knew me.
They all know me.
Anyway, because this is such a major moment
on Vice President Harris's trip,
we go live to our very own Ronny Chieng,
who is in the Demilitarized Zone.
Ronny, how is it going over there?
Oh, Trevor, yeah, it's going really well.
Thanks so much for sending me here, by the way.
Great assignment, not racist at all.
Anyway, uh, the vice president was just here,
and she just walked up to the border
with her giant cell binoculars
and then stared at North Korea like a geopolitical pervert.
And, honestly, Trevor, I don't get it.
Why is she here?
Why am I here?
Why's anybody here?
What are you guys even looking for?
You think you're gonna see something
that all the generals and the satellites missed?
It's like, "Oh, look, look, they forgot to lock the gate.
Let's go, go now."
Bunch of idiots.
Honestly, what's she looking at?
What-what is it? What-what...?
You know what? Let me just look out for myself.
All right, what's...?
Oh, oh, look, it's, it's Kim Jong Un,
and, uh...
Oh, looks like he's, uh, watching me on The Daily Show.
(chuckles)
Oh, maybe that guy's not all that bad after all.
Hey, hey! Hey, Kimmy, yo, follow me back on I.G., man!
Uh, anyway, uh, the vice president was here
to strengthen America's alliance with South Korea,
uh, against North Korea,
and let's just see how that went. (clears throat)
NEWSWOMAN: An embarrassing gaffe by Vice President Harris today
when she affirmed America's alliance with the wrong Korea.
So the United States
shares a very important relationship,
which is an alliance with the Republic of North Korea.
And it is an alliance that is strong and enduring.
(laughter, groaning)
Wow!
Wow! You think North Korea is South Korea?
So I guess all Asian countries look the same to you, huh?
Madam Vice President.
What's next, you're gonna mix me up with Simu Liu?
Huh?
Seriously, c-can you?
Could-could you do that, please?
Because I-I would totally be fine with that. (chuckles)
No, no, no, no, no. I'm just joking. I'm just joking.
We're just joking. Everyone, we're just joking, okay,
Madam Vice President.
Nobody give her a hard time about this
or we won't see her again for another six months.
All right, back to you, Trevor.
Hey, uh, hey, Kim! Hey, Kim!
Uh, yo, yo, yo! Uh... (chuckles)
Hey, uh, why don't you check out my comedy special on Netflix?
Yeah, use Trevor's password. It's, uh,
-"ILoveBigButts..." -Oh, no, no! No, no, no!
All right, all right, thank you so much, Ronny Chieng!
Thank you so much. Ronny Chieng, everybody!