hi my name is Michael Swaim and me and my pal Abe Epperson made most of the cool videos on
Cracked for about 12 years we even did a movie once now we're trying to make another movie
about the time my dad came out as a gay furry it's funny as [__]balls and we need your help to
get it done please head to seedandspark.com/fund/Papa-Bear to find out more and see
how you can get involved and earn awesome rewards any Cracked fan would at least not hate probably
thank you for coming today Mr Hansen I'm sure it's quite a long walk considering you've got no legs
or is that rude to point out okay first of all it's Henson and I am not Jim Henson okay he's
dead watch his funeral you'll weep like a grown man sorry sorry Henson oh don't know what I was
thinking you're a shitty band or a shittiest soda and how is one to refer to no offense but what's
the preferred nomenclature for you know for what a puppet a mindless soulless puppet he wasn't
gonna say that you have no idea how much effort this requires of me so I hope you appreciate the
passion behind it I am a goddamn Muppet I have to say you are a lot rougher than I expected a Henson Muppet
to be well Oscar the Grouch true no no Oscar's not a muppet he's a homeless little person who refuses
to leave the set he wears our skins that he may walk amongst us oh well I guess you are the meanest
Henson Muppet oh I'm not a Henson I'm one of the Muppets from Chappelle's Show I am Jim Henson company's
head legal counsel and yes I happen to be a Muppet is that all right or do we all look alike to you
this is going off the rails really fast the letters of the day are F and U we
really did not mean any offense we are all really big fans here at Disney hey
lucky for you it's not up to me I'm just a humble functionary see my hands are tied
that was a joke you [ __ ] oh
Good one I'd flip you guys off again but I need like 10 minutes before I can get it out okay
that actually does raise a concern are all the Muppets this sexually graphic Disney has a very
strict repressive puritanical policy on that stuff oh us too a squeaky [ __ ] clean did you
know that cocaine cannot affect the Muppet shame really because it's come to our attention that
the Labyrinth is about a young woman masturbating to completion for the first time while imagining
famed bisexual David Bowie waving his balls around that's that's one interpretation look
we're all on the same page here just because I'm a Muppet that doesn't mean I want to get felt up ah
ah you're a couple of [ __ ] ah this reminds me what's the sexual harassment law with you
guys well in order for us to function we all have to let someone shove their hands up our asses so
expect some lawsuits and this exemption regarding Gonzo has that been cleared oh no he's not part of
the deal the [ __ ] they found on that guy's computer he's going away for a long time and
do we get the Muppet babies because you know at least they have legs Nanny's all legs yeah
what's the deal with those Muppet Babies are they a complete set of new Muppets or are they
the adult Muppets when they were babies were an experiment gone wrong and they've been disposed
of in a closet filled with 1930s stock footage let us never speak of it again lastly this is
just for the record we also do not want those creepy uncanny valley Dark Crystal latex jobs
you can burn those or whatever it is you do with them Fraggles lay eggs inside them
and the babies eat their way out fine do that do we have a deal I believe we do thank you
okay we're gonna be here a while