So what do you do if your spouse is checked
out emotionally? You just accept it? Or do you
do something about it? Let's talk about that on
this episode of relationship Radio. I'm Dr. Joe
beam. And this is Kimberly Holmes, our CEO,
Kimberly, we run into this kind of thing all the
time, don't we? Where that one spouse seems to
have no emotional connection with the other
spouse. Now, there are several different reasons
for this. Not that we could actually cover all
of them in one episode. But let's talk about
some. And let's start with the one that people
aren't going to like us talking about, but it's
really needed to be talked about. Because
sometimes it's true and people don't know it.
Yes, so sometimes your spouse is checked out
emotionally, because you are actually treating
them or making them feel in such a way where
they can't be open or honest with you. Maybe
they've come to you and tried to share things,
but in the way that you've reacted, probably not
meaning to, you've actually shut them down and
pushed them further away to where now they feel
like they can't come to you and be open and
honest.
Okay, no, no bail out on this, just because you
didn't like what Kimberly said, let's be honest,
let's act like adults, let's really do some self
examination. And all the rest of the things
we're going to talk about really aren't about
you. But this one, if we're going to be honest,
we have to start here. Because there are so many
spouses, and we see it more often in men than
women. But so many spouses out there who have
really shut the other person off from thinking
they can be safe to open up themselves to you.
Because if they tell you what they feel, you
tell them, they should feel something
differently. If they tell you what they want,
you tell them it's ridiculous for them to want
that they should want something else. If they
tell you what they think about something, you
tell them while they're wrong, et cetera. And
they finally get to the point where it's like,
I'm not gonna be open and transparent to you.
I'm not gonna tell you what I think what I feel
when I believe what I do, because I know when
that happens, you're gonna judge me. Now,
Kimberly, you said they may not even be aware
they're doing it. So how can a person become
aware?
Well, one way is just by watching your spouse
and their body reaction, their body language,
even the look on their face, when you respond to
them. Or even just it might not even be things
that other people are saying it could be the
lack of response, the lack of looking the other
person in the eye Brene Brown, who is a
researcher, I, she has a great way that she
talks about this when it comes to kids and, and
she talks about how there was a mom who when her
daughter would walk into the room, the first
look on her face would be one of disgust when
she didn't like what her daughter was wearing.
So instead of it being Hi, good morning, how are
you today? It was a Is that what you're wearing?
And that was the first thing even
if she didn't say it, she communicated it with
her facial expressions, right? So the daughter
felt rejected. That's right, even if mom didn't
say a word. That's right.
That's right. And the mom she was talking about
was her it was something that she had to learn
over time that I didn't realize that's what I
was bringing into it. And I needed to learn and
change my own awareness. But even if she were to
look at her daughter's face when she had that,
look, it was one of like, why do you not like
this? Why do you not like me, I don't feel
accepted or loved right now. And so it either in
the overt communication that you're having by
saying you should be doing this, that and the
other differently, or through just the body
language tone, look on your face, or lack of
responding to your spouse, when they're trying
to talk to you, maybe it's staying engaged in
your phone, when they're trying to have a
conversation, if you were to just look at them,
you would be able to tell more than likely that
they don't feel like they're getting back from
you what they're needing from you.
And a person can do this because they picked up
those habits from their own family of origin. Or
because of the fact they may be distracted and
thinking about something else. And so we're the
first thing we recommend here is if your spouse
is emotionally disconnected from you, trying to
examine through his or her eyes, whether they
feel that you're actually available, and whether
it's that you're being non judgmental. And as
Kimberly said, it's not just in words, not just
in tone of voice, its body language, his facial
expressions, all those things matter. And so
sometimes you can actually get your spouse to be
more open and transparent and connect with you
with a stronger emotion, if they can just feel
that you care, and that you accept them as they
are. Now that's a whole topic that we can talk
about, and we can get into it in great depth
right now. I'm just gonna leave it at that
principle. First of all, check out be wise pay
attention to see if perhaps you're stifling your
spouse and that's why he or she is not giving
you the emotion that you want. But sometimes
Kimberly, a person might be distant emotionally,
not because they feel the spouse wouldn't care,
but because of the fact that they feel like I
need to be strong enough on my own to handle
this without burdening my spouse with it.
Yeah, they're trying to just keep it in push it
down deal with it because they don't want to
burden anyone else are they are they feel like
they would appear weak or especially for men may
not feel like the man of the house if they were
to unload whatever that they're dealing with
emotionally onto their wives.
And that can definitely be a cultural thing, not
just in what part of the country and what
country you live in, but how it was with your
dad, or your mom, or their parents, et cetera,
it can be handed down through the family. And
it's a lonely, lonely path, when you feel like
you have to be the one to take care of
everything. And it's okay for men to tell their
wives I'm hurting, I'm scared. I don't know if I
can handle this or not, it does not indicate
that you are not a man, it doesn't indicate that
you're some kind of weakling. Everybody needs
it. There are three words, for example that we
use in the world when which we deal with
addicts. One is that everybody wants to feel
secure, I need to know that you're gonna be here
with me, for me, and they have to be seen, I
need to know that I matter to you that you can
communicate with me. And they need to be
soothed. That means everybody, I don't care who
he or she is President of the United States of
America, or whatever position they have in life.
Everybody at time just needs somebody else, to
be there for them, and to sue them. So we
recommend strongly stop trying to handle it all
by yourself. If, if your spouse can and will
listen, share it with him or her. But then we're
back to the first point. Which means if your
spouse does that, don't condemn, don't chastise,
don't try to take over and fix it for them be
their ally, not their adversary and not their
superhero, just their Li. But sometimes
Kimberley emotions, you know, can get
distracted, because of just what's going on in
life out there.
Right? Yes, so a spouse could be checked out
emotionally, because there's a situation at work
demanding all of their attention, or there's a
family of origin issue maybe with their
siblings, or their parents, maybe aging parents
that they're trying to handle and trying to deal
with. And so they're just emotionally drained
from something else in their life, and they come
home, unable to really connect emotionally
because of how drained they are.
When we first started helping marriages, and of
course, you know, Allison, I took all the money,
we had to get started and use that money up
pretty quickly. And so it became financially
stressful, to a great degree. And the worst time
of year for us. And the first two or three years
was always around December, because a lot of
people didn't come to our workshops, and etc,
because it was the holidays, and etc. And I
would start singing that Merle Haggard song, If
We Make It Through December, I start singing it
toward the end of November, and think about the
whole month of December, and would be totally
distracted by money. Are we going to have enough
money to pay the bills? Can we pay our
employees? Can we do this? Can we do that? And
Alice would constantly look at me when I'm at
home saying are you angry with me about
something? Are you upset with me? No, no, no,
it's not you at all. Even though she knew I was
struggling with the finances. And even though I
could talk to her about it, I still took it on
as such a burden to me. Now the same thing can
happen sometimes when somebody that your loved
one has, you can be so focused on that loss,
that you're not paying any attention emotionally
to your spouse, or your children, or those who
matter. Sometimes it can be when some major
event in life takes place that scares you, like
a recession or something. I mean, I'm saying
sometimes it's because the emotion is being
robbed by something out there. So what would a
spouse do in that case?
Well, it still is very similar to point one and
point two that we covered, which is it's being
sensitive, if you are the one feeling cheated
on, like they're not bringing their emotion,
they're not connecting with you emotionally,
then taking some onus on yourself to ask some
non threatening questions of what's going on.
What are some things going on? How can I help
help me understand why you might be overwhelmed
or feeling the way that you feel and then
responding in a way that is a safe place for
them to be able to come and share some of those
things.
And another side of that though, would be
sometimes they just don't want to talk about AI
right now. And so sometimes it's not a matter of
you asking questions and the mentoring,
sometimes you'll ask questions and you can see
there, they're just trying to avoid to somebody
they don't want to talk about right now because
it's overwhelming. In that case. Just be there
for them. I mean, just physically be there
sitting next to them on the sofa, right with a
man on the front porch. Take a walk down the
alley, the alley I guess it can be a bad thing,
but it won't be on the old country. I mean, in
sometimes it just allow them to process without
having to talk about it out loud. Because some
people have to process that anxiety inside for
quite a while before they even know how to
express it. And so it can be Yes, asking
questions and listening. But it also can be
okay, just to let you know, I'm here, period.
And when you get ready to talk about it, I'm
here for you. In the meantime, no, here, I'm not
leaving, I'm not angry with you, because you're
not talking. I'm not upset with you, because of
the fact that you just seem to be distracted. I
know that something's going on, but I am with
you. But then we have to talk about one more
point in this app. And this one's not pleasant
either. The first one wasn't pleasant, this
one's not pleasant. Sometimes, that the emotions
are not being robbed by life or a situation in
life. Sometimes they're being robbed by
a person. That's right. They're going to another
person and having deep conversations with them
sharing about their wants, their fears, their
desires, and maybe at first it started, very
platonically. But over time, it began to become
deeper and deeper. And maybe there's deeper
feelings now to where they're feeling like
they're in love with that person. Or maybe it's
still just at a deep emotional connection level.
But either way, it's signs that something not
good is occurring.
And therefore it could be, as you were saying, a
person that they have now developed a strong
emotional connection with, because they felt
they could share with this person. And they did.
And now they're at least having an emotional
affair. But there's a sub separate part of that
same distraction that doesn't have to do with
being unfaithful. Sometimes it can be that your
husband, rather than talking to you, although
you're there, and you want him to be there for
you, once we're talking instead to his brother,
or his buddy, or his dad, and you think, why
doesn't he trust me with what he's trusting them
with? I feel that he's kind of cheating on me,
because of the fact he's not letting me be part
of his life. But he's got this other guy out
there, this helping him or his mom, who is the
person that he goes to wherever it needs to
talk, and he's ignoring me, or she is ignoring
me, because she goes to talk to dad, he goes to
talk to mom. And so still those emotions are
robbed from you, because they're given to
somebody else. But it's not always out there
somebody who becomes a lover, it can be somebody
else that they trust a lot. And you might be
saying should, should I feel guilty, that that
bothers me. I don't think you should feel
guilty. But here's what you need to understand.
If they are sharing those emotions with someone
right now, then this is the someone they see as
being there for them, to help them be secure,
seen and soothed. Now, if that's a bad person,
or an unhealthy relationship, then something's
got to be done to fix it. But rather than you
trying to be the fixer of that just become more
and more open and transparent yourself. And then
the words you model to your spouse, the openness
and transparency that you want them to model
with you. And so if you model that consistently,
even if they don't share with you to begin with,
even if they still continue to appear to be
holding withholding emotion from you, you give
to them, don't overwhelm them, Don't Drown them
with it, but model to them what you want them to
do with you. And then that can still come back
to you. What you don't want to do is get into a
situation where your spouse feels that you're
trying to tell him or her, they can't have a
relationship with dad or mom or brother or
friend. Because if that's where they're going
for their sustenance, when you try to intervene
in that, they're going to react negatively to
it. So don't try to intervene in that. Try to
supplement that by you modeling what it is that
you want. And hopefully then with time that
heads back toward you. What else should we say
about that? Kimberly?
This is important. Right? The emotional
connection and a previous episode we talked
about the importance of emotional attraction
evoking emotions other people feel that they
like to feel and this is a key part of that how
we respond to people when they come to us with
things they're struggling with, or difficult
things and how we are that safe place for them
to come to is a really crucial part of of the
marriage. And so if you feel like your spouse
has checked out emotionally consider are there
are there things or behaviors that you have done
that may have unintentionally led them to feel
that way? And if so, change those or maybe you
have some of these other things maybe you're
emotionally checked out and have been towards
them because of work or because of another
person or or any of the things that we
mentioned, fix the things that you can and then
be the kind of person that they could come to
and can come to when they experience times of
need. So that's the key. And it's a really
important not necessarily easy, but important
thing for us to do.
So you'll have to be patient. You can't bulldoze
your way through this patient because it's a
matter of earning the other person's trust.
That's the key. Well, Kimberly, as we talked
about that, then some people are thinking but
what if what if you've talked about several
things in the last few episodes of relationship
radio? Like for example, we talked about
infidelity and one of them? What if I need to
forgive my spouse? How in the world do I do
that? If he or she has hurt me so badly, say for
example, like in the case of an affair, let's
talk about that. On the next episode of
relationship Radio.